Thoughts in a box

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom

2011-07-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Just finished that book over 4 hours in the weekend at a cafe in Haji Lane, while waiting for my gf to go shopping in the little boutique shops there which she loves.

Great book, easy to read, and really reminds me of childhood in all ways! Especially the part of Amy getting her daughters to play the piano and the violin. I played the piano, and both my sisters play the violin and the piano. Those were also stressful childhoods, going straight from school to piano / violin lessons immediately after school, while eating our lunches in the car. Dad will drive us around, not let us play with other kids after school, send us home immediately just so that we will have maximum amount of time to study and practise our instruments. While I blame my lack of interpersonal skills to that period where I didn't really interact much with people, and people generally thought I was weird, I am very happy that I was pushed to the limits of my abilities (although sometimes I felt I could do better), and learnt so many skills.

I'll probably want to raise my kids the same way, pushing them to their limits, learning the most they can, and not giving up no matter what. I'll definitely be fierce with them, but I do draw the line at calling them names, and the crazy part of making them practice when going on holidays =) My parents didn't do that!

Space filler

2011-07-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been such a long time since my last post that I nearly forgot I had a blog! Not sure whether anyone reads it anymore, but I think penning down thoughts again on so many issues going around me is a good thing, be it work, play, friends, God, family, etc. This is just a space filler for now, but I'll start writing again!

Back again

2009-01-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

Was talking to an old friend today online. She mentioned that she stumbled across my blog, and encouraged me to keep writing. I usually read her stuff on her Facebook, which is very thought provoking and deep, bringing an added dimension which one probably won't realise just by talking casually to her. Well, she's an old friend, but we still don't know each other well, since it has been 17 years since we last met, and somehow, God brought a bunch of us primary school friends back together again. And it has been good, to see these friends outside of my usual circle of friends have been doing, and that everyone is living their life to the best of their abilities.

Anyway, after being encouraged to write again, I'm here, sitting at my comp, penning down thoughts which I haven't put into writing for over a year. It's 2009 and that's a long long time from when I last wrote. I read that blog, and realised just how long it has been, and how much my life has progressed since then.

Friends which I knew then and hung out with, I hardly meet them now.
Friends which I now hang out with, I didn't even know them then.
Activities which I was keen on then (frisbee), I don't really do now.
I was still in the army then, now I'm serving out my bond with the government.
Teaching in children's church now, which I didn't even think I would do then.
Having a girlfriend now, which I haven't even met her then, as I was thinking of another girl.

So where goes all this? I lied when I told my friend the reason I haven't been writing was that life was the same, Singapore was the same, that I've been bored and that my writings were going in circles. I think the main reason why I haven't been writing is coz I got lazy, and ill-disciplined. The other main reason is that my life is filled with SO SO much, that I barely sit down to think things through, because I'm so caught up with living it, enjoying it, craving for it, that I'm not used to sitting down to savour it anymore.

I'm making more friends that I have time for, making me meet up with a bunch of them at a time, from different places, eras and activities, many of them not knowing each other. (Sometimes, I feel like a walking SDU. Serious! But if you're my friend and reading this, please don't think I'm trying to set you up!) I'm trying to play computer games, read, chat online, doing a hundred things at a time, so that I can complete and enjoy all of them. I'm impatient when I'm doing something fun, as I'm looking forward to the next fun thing happening in a few hours. My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. While I could focus on one thing at a time for hours when I was younger, now, I get antsy after 15 minutes. I feel that I'm living life in fast forward.

(I'm surprised by the number of "I"s in this post. It seems very self-centred, but I think it's a good start to get back to writing, from my point of view, assessing my life. And, given that I haven't really done my stocktake for 2008 before getting into 2009, this feels good!)
Wait! This sounds really familiar! This isn't new, that happens to me all the time. I experienced that from my primary school days, secondary school, JC, especially college days, and even now. It's good to know that despite the changes in life, some things don't change!

Another thing that didn't change, or could I say changed for the better is my walk with God. While I know I haven't been as faithful as I can be, to read the Bible more often than once a week, to spend more time in prayer than just before I sleep or during meals, I have the inclination that I trust Him more with my life. Not that I don't worry anymore, or think that all will be good, but that I know God's gift of His son is so much MORE important and precious than anything else that I have a sense of calm no matter what happens, so long as I turn to Him. God has been good and provided my family and I with so much, one thing especially to give thanks for is my ability to provide for the family. Therefore, despite of all the financial difficulties within the family, nothing seems impossible because He's there, and He has provided.

Well, I'm getting restless again, so although I have loads on my mind to pen down, I'm going to leave it to the next post, hopefully soon. So, just some things which I want to do in the year 2009.

Read the Bible and pray more regularly, so as to truly grow in my faith.
Read more widely, especially books related to the economy, work, current affairs, etc.
Spend more time serving and loving God, my family, my girlfriend and my friends.
Greater discipline, by sleeping earlier, playing less computer games (yes, I'm playing loads still), working harder at work.

If I can do just these, in 2009, and throughout my life, that should be sufficient, more than sufficient.

Amen.

Verbal Diarrhoea

2007-08-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to a post of verbal diarrhoea. I really don't have a fixed format about what I'm going to say, and I'm too emotionally, physically and whatever the heck drained to arrange my thoughts into coherent sentences. Somehow, I figured that just letting my fingers do the typing will be kinda relaxing, so here goes nothing.

So, I've been pretty swamped with life at the moment. What? Swamped with life? How does that happen? Well, it's like being overwhelmed with lots of things, either real and supposed, mental or physical. Frisbee is taking up most of my time, training 3 times a week, getting ready for the Singapore Ultimate Opens in September. Of the 3 trainings, I only kinda truly enjoy one of them, the Saturday training. It's the least stressful, I feel most relaxed among the people, and I don't feel like I'm being judged on my performance all the time. It's also the team that I'm co-captaining, and teaching whatever I know to the people who are still quite new to the game. Somehow, although captaining is stressful, as I've gotta make sure I know what the heck I'm talking about, lead the whole training, be on my toes, the team's really nice, and they are mostly good friends. I love playing with this team because of the warm fuzzy feeling when I play with them.

Now, the other team I play with, I'm extremely stressed out everytime I train with them. I'm basically at the bottom of the pecking order, and I know that I'll get chewed out for doing something wrong, and I have to be at the top of my game at all times. It's stressful to have to go all out for something all the time. And while most of the team is friendly to me, many of them are veterans, and there's extremely high expectations out there, of everyone, and somehow, especially of me. Coupled with a few people who aren't really friendly and extremely brash, disrespectful of "outsiders" (I'm one, coz I'm not actually part of their team, just playing for them this Opens to gain more experience), I go into each training as if I'm bracing for impact. It sucks really. Sometimes, there is no "acceptance", and I don't feel part of the group at all. The good thing is that I do know a few of them, and I try to talk and interact with them more. My "mentor friend" is really nice, and has kinda my character, so we get good interactions. Other thing is that I chose this path. I know that I'm an extremely proud person, that when I get good at something, it can get into my head. That's one reason why I try to take up something new every few years, because it keeps me humble, knowing that I have to be humble to ask questions, learn from others, and not assume I know everything. Once pride gets into your head, it's hard to get it out. So I keep doing this to remind myself that humility is extremely important.

I'm also just really in this team to get better fast, so that I can bring back knowledge for my other team to learn. There's just such a huge knowledge and experience gap in my team that we need to shore up and learn. I feel like I'm doing an "exchange program" so that I can bring back valuable experience to serve my current team, which I don't mind doing, because my team really needs it, and I want to see my team play well. Well, I just have to put things into perspective and let God take hold of it, and bring me through this last month leading up to the Opens.

Daily prayers have been sustaining me for the past months. Just doing quiet time, and trying to trust in God has been one of the main reasons I'm still sane and holding myself together. The other reasons are the friends that God brings to me, to share my pains and stresses. Relationships with other people are so important in our lives, and how much you care and respect others will in turn be how much care and respect others will give you. I'm an over-thinker, which often makes me more stressed out than I should be, and somehow, I need to stop all the over-thinking and just trust that God has it is His hands, and let it be.

Other things to come slightly later, a post on some of my conversations with friends who are asking questions about Christianity, a post about evangelism, and maybe another rambling post.

It's been over 3 months!

2007-07-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been over 3 months since I last blogged. Lots and lots have happened, and I'm even sure where I should start first.

Well, my baptism on the 15th of April went well. It was a very joyful and emotional moment for me, that I know I'm part of God's family. And also to know that I would be able to spend eternity with Him. It's a real comfort, something to put everything on this world into perspective. I pray that He will continue guiding me to love and know Him more each day.

I went back to the US for 2 weeks to visit people. It was so good to SMELL the air there. It smelt sooooo good. I realised I did miss the States a lot. I stayed at my fraternity house on campus, and basically hung out with them. I didn't feel pressured to go travel and see places, but just relax, read the Bible, play computer games with the brothers, see old friends and connect with them again. It's surprising how much they change in those 2 years I've been away. The younger ones have grown up, wiser, more independent, more confident. The older ones have grown more cynical, more white haired, and agressive. Nono, just joking. They didn't change as much, just about the same. Talked to David a lot about Christ. He's curious about exploring it, and feeling a little lost in life. So just really hope that he'll find his answers in the Bible and in God. I'll love to see him be part of God's family.

Well, frisbee is going well and we'll be starting to train with another team for the Singapore Opens. So that we get better faster, as our current team is a little small to train effectively for a tournament. It's tiring trying to be a team captain, and also trying to plan the frisbee league. Luckily, people have been stepping up to help out, and it's been easier with the help.

So, I got rejected by the girl I liked. I asked her before I went to the States, and was really honest about my feelings. She was also really honest with me, and I'm happy about that, even though things didn't work the way I wanted it to. I don't feel horrible or anything bad, as I know all things are in God's hands, and He will bring the right person when the time is right. It's more like I'm just a little bummed. But we are still being friends and it's nice to know that things haven't just gotten awkward or anything. Praise the Lord that things turned out this way. I'll just have to be patient to wait for His directions.

Okay, more updates to come later.

Lord I Lift Your Name on High

2007-04-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

I'm getting baptised on the 15th of April. I am so overwhelmed with emotion about what that means that I can hardly be coherent in my thoughts. It's been something that has been sitting on my mind for a while. I wanted to get baptised last September, but didn't feel that my father will be ready to accept that fact yet. Therefore, I postponed it 6 months.

Now, I've told my parents that I'm going to get baptised, that my father has decided that he will come, even though he keeps thinking that it's too soon for me and wants me to wait another 3 to 5 years. I understand his fear that if I was to get baptised, there will be a break in the family tradition. He has always wanted me to continue with the family tradition and family line after him. Being baptised will mean that I will not follow in his footsteps. However, I will continue to love and serve him, and care for my father, hopefully even more than I do now. Eventually, he will see and understand my reasons for doing so. And I pray that God will bring my father to Him, as well as my whole family.

I just wrote a short testimony for my church of how I came to Christ and how God has changed me since I accepted Him into my life. It's a little short to bring out all that I want to say and feel. I'm just bursting with emotions today, singing hymns and making up worship songs when coming home from frisbee at the top of my voice along Orchard Road. This is in spite of me feeling a little down from some emotional thing over a girl that I like. Even at my darkest times, God has always been there for me, never leaving my side, providing me with everything. I have to trust in Him that at the right time, He will provide the things that I need, and that I have to be patient and open to Him.

I especially like the song below. We sang it in church today, and it reminds me to worship Him everyday, because He is our God and loves us more than we can ever know. It helps me to know that He's there for me, as long as I keep Him in my heart. I'll write in more details over the next two weeks leading up to my baptism.

God Bless You all!

Lord I Lift Your Name on High
Lord I lift Your Name on High,
Lord I love to sing Your praises,
I'm so glad You're in my life,
I'm so glad You came to save us.

You came from Heaven to Earth,
To show The Way,
From the Earth to The Cross,
My debt You paid,
From The Cross to the grave,
From the grave to the sky,
Lord I lift Your Name on High!

What is Growing Up?

2007-02-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

This is kinda a stupid question right? What is Growing Up? Isn't it just about getting older, getting more wise, knowing more things, etc. Is that it? Somehow, I'm not that sure that's it.

I'm 24, turning 25 this year. I look back at the things I've done, the feelings I've felt, the thoughts that I made when I was younger. I see a difference between then and now. So what really changed? I grew up. But what made me see things differently? What made me grow up? It's not just because I've gotten older. That in itself brings nothing to one's wisdom, one's growth. But I think that somehow, I've learnt to take better control of my feelings, practiced more control over the things I say and do.

My views of life is also different. When I was young, it was all about trying to be the best, to get the best stuff, to climb over others. Now, I'm not too interested in doing that already. I can't imagine spending all my time in the workplace trying to chase something which pretty much isn't worth as much as it was to me. I don't like working in the office. At least because I'm not doing anything productive.

Furthermore, I think I'm also getting soft. Soft meaning that I no longer feel invincible the way I felt even just last year. I'm actually getting jitters about where I'm going to work. I've been posted to the Ministry of Finance, and I'm scared. I feel the pressure of being put there, of being put on the fast track, of being a "scholar". I'm scared to screw up, and of having to live up to the expectations of the people inside. "What if I'm not good enough? What if what they think I'm good at, I'm actually not?" A short year ago, I would still think that I'm invincible, untouchable, and "good" to say the least. Now, where's my confidence?

Maybe I'm starting to understand how big life really is. Stepping out of college to NS isn't really the real world. Now, I've to step into a job, or the real world. Challenges await. If I am still not frightened, maybe I really haven't grown. My uncertainty is probably the result of having grown, and learning that life and work is not as easily controlled by my willpower, but rather of forces greater than my own. If I'm still going in with the attitude that I can change everything, then I'm in for a very bad time. But maybe with things in perspective due to growing up, I might be able to survive this.

I remember this phrase from somewhere. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the acceptance of it." My younger days of not feeling fear is not true courage, but rather a little foolishness and misplaced belief in youth's invincibility. I suppose now that I understand what I'm facing, and what I fear to face, I can probably be called courageous to face it now.

What is Love?

2007-02-12T05:52:00.000-08:00

Have been reading in the Bible, as well as other books regarding love. Very tempted to write a piece on what "love" truly is. Not merely talking about what erotic love is, but what "love" in its purest and highest form should be. Given that this is the period where people are most "in love" because of Valentine's Day, this should be a nice piece to write. Probably will take a week to churn it out and formulate the structure. We'll see how it goes =P

Oh, and a bunch of us are starting "The Game" in Singapore. It's like "The Game" that we play at Stanford. More details to follow!

Thinking about someone

2007-01-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes, there's just someone on your mind. And has been for some time. I'm sure all of you out there have had someone in your mind before. You think about him or her all the time, wondering what they are doing right then, whether they are enjoying what they are doing, and just wondering how nice it would be to be spending time with them right now.

It's even more "intense", if you like the person beyond just a mere friendship, and want to get to know the person better, or want to start dating the person. Now, that'll really put a "boost" into the "thinking". You'll spend most of your time thinking, pondering, wondering, about every little sort of thing that one can possibly think of about the other person. It's not too good a thing to be doing that, because you realise that life doesn't seem as bright just because the person ain't around you.

THAT, was once me. Not that I don't do that anymore, but just that I have tempered it. Or so I hope. I tend to overthink things quite a bit, and also think about the person a lot. I have to make a conscious decision to break away from that and concentrate on things at hand, and on the rest of life. But usually, when I have nothing too much to do, like this nice long holiday, my thoughts naturally flow back to thinking about the person. I'm just getting better at keeping my thoughts away from my work and not allowing that and my emotions to run rampant. Maybe that's part of the "emotional maturity" that comes with age.

For the past months, I have been praying and thinking whether I should in fact be trying to date the person. I want God to be part of any relationship I'm in, and I have made some errors in the past, just assuming that God will be there. It'll be so much easier if He'll just tell me, "Hey Tee Sing, this is my plan for you. Go get her!" or, "Tee Sing, no, she's not the right one for you." LOL. But God doesn't work that way, at least not for me.

It's human nature to want things to be easy. To just let the girl jump into your arms, or to let God tell you immediately what to do. But more often than not, it's the case of waiting and trusting that the Lord has your best interest at heart. That is not an easy thing for me to do. Being an impatient guy, I want things fast, just so that I can get on with the rest of life. Which is kinda paradoxical, because the act of getting to know the girl, thinking about her, growing and trusting in the Lord, are all part of life. Where am I supposed to be rushing to once I'm done?

I'm 24. Turning 25 this 2007. That puts me on the "young adult" scale still. Despite what friends tell me that I look 27 or older, I'm still only 24, turning 25. Patience is a virtue that I hope I pick up soon. Because, it'll be one of the most important things I need in pretty much everything I'll do later on. Patience with my family, with work, with God (when waiting for His instructions), with a girl, everything.

So just a prayer to start the day and the year with. "May God my Lord grant me the patience in life to wait for Your commands, the patience to serve my family, the patience to wait for a girl, and the patience to enjoy the life given and blessed by You. Amen."

Amazing Grace

2006-12-31T20:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone! May God shower all of you with blessings, joy and peace in the coming year!

2006 has been a great year. With it's ups and downs, joys and sadness, triumphs and failures, struggles. But throughout all that, there's always been a constant in my life, and that's been God by my side. I'll always remember that He did not promise us a life that is without pain, without struggles and without obstacles. What He did promise is a life beyond death, a life outside of this fallen world, a life with Him and Christ in Heaven. He is waiting to welcome us home to Him.

My life is filled with challenges, all the time. In work and in play, against my neighbours, with my family, even with Him. But these challenges are a way that God tests our faith and perserverance in Him. At the WatchNight service that my church had yesterday, Chris, our pastor taught us about Hebrews 12:1-3. That to run the race towards salvation, we have to do 3 things. First, to throw away all the burdens and sins that hold us down. Second, to perservere in this long race. And finally, to focus our eyes on the goal, Christ. It's not a good beginning that matters, but a good ending to the race that is truly worthy.

Below are the lyrics for "Amazing Grace". It's a song that is so pertinent to all of us, to remember in this new year, that our salvation is not from our works or our efforts, but by the Grace of God alone, through His son Jesus Christ. May you all have a wonderful, Grace-filled year ahead!

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

So what's up!!

2006-10-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

So what's up with life? That's going to be a really long answer for that question. Well, since I'm sitting in my room, listening to "At the Beginning" at around 11.14pm, not wanting to go to sleep, I might as well do some writing that I haven't been doing for forever.

Work
Work sucks in a way. I hate getting screamed at by my Madam. She's stressed out, I give her that, and the work load on her is pretty crazy. But it's no excuse blowing up at your own workers who are trying their best to help you. Well, I'm pretty much immune to the shouting lately. And I've taken to praying for her and the office whenever she goes on a tantrum. It helps walking into the office, doing a prayer for the day, just to start the day out right, and asking God to help us. I've been more cheerful, even when my co-workers are feeling down.

There's a great Christian brother with me at work. Joseph, this spunky 19 year old who's like a little brother to me, talks with me about Christ. We can spend our entire lunch talking about our experiences, what we learnt in church, what we got through the last few days etc. It's great to have someone always there to encourage you, to talk with you, and for you to share in Christ. I think that he's probably one of the best things that have happened since entering this branch. Pray that we will continue encouraging each other in our faiths, through thick and thin, through the stressful times at work, giving praise to God and being grateful for where we are.

Scholarship & Future Work

I just ended some interviews with the Ministry of Trade and Industry, as well as my main scholarship board. I got into the Management Associates Program, which is quite cool. It'll be lots and lots of work, with the government trying to "groom" us into exemplary civil servants. =P Well, at least I have the option of taking a "Gap Year", a year to work anywhere in the world. Currently, I'm just trying to find a job back in Silicon Valley, with a VC firm. Cross my fingers and hope turn out right.

The interviews are going okay, not too bad. Just going through the process, and seeing which Ministry wants me to work for them. I'm not stressing too much about it. Probably will be much the same wherever I work. It's just work.

Frisbee

Well, frisbee is going pretty well. The Singapore Opens went okay, although I never got to play on the main lineup, but on a "side matchup". Well, I haven't trained with the team much before the opens, so I suppose that's the only fair thing to let the others who trained more play. There's also many more years of frisbee coming up.

Now, we're training layout drills. Which means a dive to get the disc. It hurts to land smack on the ground. Even worse if you get scared, and try to brace yourself, because you end up landing on your knee instead of your chest, and it hurts even more. Layouts just remind me of "JUST GO ALL OUT and DON'T CARE!" It's basically that. The more you don't care about the consequence, the better the layout is.

Life

Life is quite a jumble sometimes. I am trying very hard to keep God in my life, doing prayers everyday, on my MRT trips, walking to work etc. But even then, I'm often too "preoccupied" to hear Him talk to me. It's a constant struggle to serve Him, and do the right thing, because I'm just so used to doing everything my way. It's a push and pull everyday. I want to do this, but I know that God will not approve, so I should be doing that, but I don't really want to do that, but I should just do it because God will want me to do that...

Yet, the struggle seems so gratifying. I'm struggling against my old sinful self, accepting God and Christ's righteousness and serving Him. The feeling of doing that is amazing, washing through my body. Prayers take my mind away from the hustle and bustle of life, calming me and focusing me on what's truly important in life. Sometimes, I ask myself would I ever turn back to what I was. I look back, and then shake my head furiously. No way I'm heading back that way. Not when I've seen the light.

It's actually really nice that I'm just serving NS, and not doing real work. Coz I have a lot more time to read the Bible, pray and just shut myself off from thinking about other stuff. My favourite pastime is now getting a cup of hot chocolate at Starbucks, sitting in one of their comfortable sofas, and opening my Bible to read. Or another Christian book, etc. I can't even being to describe how much calm this has brought into my life. I'm no longer over-anxious about things, over-competitive about things. Well, I am still anxious, still competitive, but I know there's a much larger thing out there (God) and it puts things into perspective.

On the relationship side, I've been liking this girl for around 2-3 months now. I've known her for around a year, and she's the sweetest thing. Although we know each other, we have never spent one-on-one time together, nor have too much more than a general friendship. That's coz we see each other along with a whole bunch of other people once a week or so. I stand by to observe her, the way she talks to other, the way she serves others. People in the group comment that she's extremely sweet and caring too. From all these, I've started to see how good a girl she is. Best of all, she's Christian, and she serves in the Worship Ministry of her church.

I want to get to know her much better, on a one-on-one basis. Coz in a group, it's really difficult to talk beyond a general level. But it's easy to mislead someone without the commitment to go with it. So, that's why I've waited for 2-3 months, to make sure that I'm definitely going to take this commitment, before showing her the idea. If she's okay with it, we can see other. If she's not, then I will just back off. For me, I really want God to be part of any relationship I'm in. And it takes commitment on both sides before we even start the "deeper getting to know you" thing. I've been flightly for most of my life, but since probably January this year, things have been settling down for me. I pray that God will give me the guidance for this, that He will be overlooking this and guiding me along.

Well, that's the gist of my life at the moment. Wish I could have my US friends here in Singapore with me. Miss all of you out there!

Update

2006-08-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's been like forever since I last posted. And that's really bad. Well, not in a bad way, it's just that I've been slack in my writing and didn't feel like posting.

I'm just going to make a list of things that have happened since my last post and maybe a few comments here and there.

My birthday just passed. It was really fun, coz it was like a full 5 days of celebrations, starting from the 2nd of August (the day before my birthday), to the 6th of August. I had my church mates celebrating my bday on the 2nd, my workmates on the 3rd, with Seiwei and Joyce throwing a dinner for me, and then went to dance at Jitterbugs. On the 4th, I took a day off from work, and just chilled at home, and went for KTV with my NS workmates at night. Saturday was teaching and also dinner celebrations with the Stanford people and Shuzhen. Sunday was a barbeque at Guohao's place. So many days of celebrations, and I was so happy because I realise how much people actually care about me and I'm so touched.

Nikki came to Singapore, visiting her family and also me. She was on her way to Indonesia to dive for 2 weeks with her family. It's nice seeing her again. I met up with her after a long day at work and along with her brother Dao, we went to New Asia Bar for drinks and dancing. She left the next day, but came back after 2 weeks of diving. We hung out a little at the airport before she left for the States. Too bad she was only here for so short a time. Would have been nice to have more time to chat and talk. But, well, I'll be heading to the States soon. I probably could catch her then.

Justin Biolo and Sherry came to visit me in Singapore too! Yes, the "Reverand" came. They were here on a holiday and we caught up over dinner and drinks. Biolo's in the navy still, posted in Japan. I haven't seen him for a long while, but he's still his crazy old self. A little older, but it hardly shows. He's still as wise as ever, as we talked about the things happening in our lives. Sherry just graduated and is about to start work in SF soon. She just got her apartment and is wondering how life will be like working. Everyone's moving on and growing up. Life just doesn't stop for anyone.

I'm having my interviews with my scholarship board on the 15th of August. It'll determine whether I get into the Management Associates Program, a program that will allow me to work on a higher level to have a better look at the entire civil service. Not too sure how I'll fare, but I heard it's pretty difficult. And after that, I've to interview for my ministry to work in. I chose the Ministry of Trade and Industry, Ministry of Finance and the Ministry of Manpower. They should be fun ministries, with lots to learn, although work will be heavy.

That's about it for the update. The next one, maybe right after my interviews.

To climb a mountain

2006-05-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

So, back to mountain climbing.

Friday (19th May)
We met at Shuzhen's place at like 4am in the morning so that we can take a taxi to Senai Airport in Johor for our flight. I didn't sleep the night before, so I was really tired. I slept through the flight, and before I knew it, we were in Kota Kinabalu.

We checked into a small nice little hotel, and went out to see the sights. It was a really small place, without much to see at all. We went shopping at Centerpoint and watched the Da Vinci Code to pass time. Dinner was at KFC and we bought bread for breakfast the next day. We slept very early because we were all exhausted and wanted to be rested for the climb the next day.

Saturday (20th May)
We woke up and got on the coach that took us to the foot of Mount Kinabalu. Actually, not really the foot, but somewhere around 1800m a.s.l. When we got close to the mountain, it looked really majestic, but at the same time, a little intimidating, knowing that I would be cold, tired and exhausted on the climb up and down. But, I really wanted to do this challenge, so up I went.

We had 2 guides, a father and son pair. The son was called Roland, and I forgot what his dad was called. They have been guides for over 10 years and to them, the climb might as well be our walk in the park. The first day climb would be to the lodge at 3200m. That would take around 5 hours for us, as it was quite steep and extremely tiring at some points. My thighs nearly cramped on the last bit up. But I kept it stretched and it didn't give out. I didn't push too hard at that point because I knew that if I cramped, the next day would give me hell. The scenery was beautiful at some points, but it was also quite foggy, so we couldn't see too much.

At around 3000m, the surroundings looked really like Skyline Boulevard in California, near Stanford. It reminded me so much of the mountain biking trip that I had with David. Especially when we had to push our bikes all the way back up the trail, because it was too steep to ride up it. The climate was also very cool, and it was hard not to enjoy the chillness in the air.

When we finally got to the lodge, we were all pretty tired, and Joan suffered a mild bout of altitude sickness. We all did our stretching and chilled in our rooms. I went to take a shower to freshen up. Let's just say that the "hot water" was barely above freezing, and the "cold water" nearly froze my balls off. I showered in the "hot water" and got changed. It felt so good to have that shower. Dinner was at 5pm, and we all ate heartily. We played a bit of bridge, before sleeping around 7pm, because we had to get up by 2am to start climbing the mountain.

Fun points to note: Jason Bay did not bring these up to the mountain. Extra underwear, so he had to wear his old one for a long time. No sandals either, so he had to go barefoot, or borrow mine. Grrr. And none of them brought much water up the mountain. I brought 6.5l of water all the way up the mountain, so that I would have enough water to drink up and down the mountain. They all laughed at me, but I would have the last laugh when we nearly ran out of water on the way down.

Sunday (21st May, 2.30am)
So, we all woke up after a very unrestful sleep. It's kinda hard to sleep in high altitudes. You fall asleep for what you think is a very long time, and wake up, and you find that only half an hour has gone by. It was a tiring night trying to sleep. I slept more than the others, probably around 4 solid hours. The others had much less. But we still all got up around 2.00am and got ready to set off in night.

The climb was exhausting up the mountain. The air was really thin, and I had to gasp for air at the last few parts. Some of the climb involved hauling ourselves up flat steep rock with rope, which was a little scary. But the beauty of the night sky was worth all that. We were above the clouds, which meant that we had a clear view of the stars. There were so many! I miss that sight.

The climb lasted around 3 and a half hours, before getting to the summit at 6.00am. We watched the sunrise and took pictures of our banner. The banner said, "All your base are belong to us!" It was really fun. I haven't watched a good sunrise for too long. The beautiful blend of colors, way above the clouds. We only spent around 25 minutes on the summit before heading down. Way too short a time, considering that we spent so much effort climbing up.

The climb down took a long time too. The girls were exhausted, and they were less sure-footed climbing down on the steep rocks. In the end, Jason and I took their bags and ran down the mountain, while the girls took their time with the guide to help them down. It wasn't easy climbing down, especially with all the extra weight. My thighs hurt like mad, and it still took us the same amount of time to climb down as climb up.

We had lunch around 3pm at a lodge, and then headed back to Kota Kinabalu. We were all so tired, that we just showered and crash to sleep for 2 hours before getting up for a good dinner. We had seafood at this live seafood place, with an impressive array of fish tanks that looked like waterfalls. The food was okay, fresh, and nice. Then it was playing bridge for a bit, then off to bed, so that we could actually get up for the flight the next day.

Well, it was a good trip, nonetheless. My physique did improve, as I could actually run a little faster from the muscle buildup. I keep telling the frisbee players that we should go climb more mountains as training. I'm looking forward to more trips, with friends. See the world when you're young!

I came, I saw, I conquered!

2006-05-23T02:31:00.000-07:00

Yes! And I am back from my climbing trip. There are stories to tell, lots of them, and also pictures. (Except the pictures are with the ladies, tidying them up.)

Well, it was nice to have a get-away from Singapore. Any get-away from Singapore is good. But the climb was pretty painful. Cramps, tired feet and legs, sore shoulders and back are part of the climb. Nearly cramped on my thighs on the way up, nearly twisted ankles and knees on the way down. But none of that happened, leaving only the soreness in my muscles to tell the story. Actually, I feel a lot stronger and fitter since the climb.

Okay, I'll tell more in my next post. I'm heading out.

Just about to climb a Mountain

2006-05-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

So, if you've been reading my posts, you'll know that I'm due to climb Mt Kinabalu soon. Actually, I'll be climbing it this Saturday. That's in 4 days. I'm excited and a little scared. Why scared? Coz I'm not so sure I'm fit enough to climb all the way up. It'll be tiring, I know that. But then again, I really want to see a good beautiful sunrise from the top of the mountain. If I don't go through the hardships, how am I going to enjoy the benefits?

Well, reminds me a little of life...

Other than climbing a mountain, other things are due in my life. I just turned in my job applications for my postings with the Ministries next year. I have to serve my bond out with the government who paid for my studies in the States. I have to choose which ministries I want to work for, and turn in things like university feedback forms and my grades.

My choices of ministries are:
Ministry of Trade and Industry
Ministry of Finance
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Ministry of Manpower

I believe that I can learn the most from these ministries, and yet still remain relevant to the private sector without having to trudge through too much of the public sector red tape. My psychological interviews are in late July and my Commission Interviews in August. These are the interviews which they will assess the type of person I am and how I can best contribute to the Singapore government. Hmm, I think that they will just probably find out that I'm like a complete rebel from the system, and just can't wait to break out of the system. I wonder where they would put a person like me =)

I'm also thinking of one of the programs that they have, the "Gap Year" program. Immediately after my National Service, I get to take a year off to work with any company around the world, not necessarily Singapore. I will not need to start my bond immediately, and 6 months of the work counts towards my bond. I'm tempted to take it, because it does not hurt to get a year off to work in the private sector. Maybe I'll head back to the States to do some Venture Capital work, or work in a start-up. These experiences will be useful when I end my bond and come out to work in the private sector again. I'm not sure how these experiences will help in the public sector though. Maybe just as a general understanding.

Well, I better start a daily newspaper reading program to keep updated with the world news. I'm keeping tab of the economy, finance and stock market at the moment. Probably will move on to politics around the world too. Hmmm, I heard that the Commission interviews are practically nightmares. I hope I don't flunk! =)

I'll write more. I know I haven't been writing much. The next episode will be about shoes. I've been thinking about writing about shoes... Why? I'll tell you when I write it.

Things that have been going on in life

2006-04-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

Well, life has been pretty okay, meaning that it's bearable. Exciting enough to warrant waking up every day and look forward to it, not so much.

Anyway, I met up with an old senior of mine, Sony. He was a Sec 4 student when I was just Sec 1. He helped train my house hockey team for inter-house games. That's where I remember him from. After so many years, he's still his same recognizable self, while he barely recognized me, since I changed so much.

He's working at AIA as an investment and insurance agent and he called me out last Thursday to talk. I went to meet up with him and found out that he was specializing in stocks and shares as "offensive" investments. To elaborate, protection is like insurance, defensive investments are more like funds, and offensive are usually the more risky stuff like stocks, to make more money. We talked about what went on with our lives since our secondary school years, and also about investments. I brough this up because it's so coincidental that I wanted to learn more about investing in stocks and shares, and here comes an old friend who's doing it for a job. He's willing to teach and guide me along, so why not? I trust him quite a bit too, which is probably the most important thing in the world. He asked me to go read up stuff and set up a dummy cash account to practice investing in stocks and go to him with any problems. I'm going to do that.

On another note, I got an email from a friend from Stanford about my blog. We weren't very close when I was there, but he happened across my blog and "was hooked". He read it from beginning to end! That's amazing, coz I would never expect anyone to be hooked to my blog. It was the stuff that I wrote when I was about to leave Stanford that he felt most keenly about, especially when he too has to leave Stanford in another year or so. The leaving was painful, and the pain stays even now. But it gets covered up with all the different things that happen here in Singapore, the apparent "comfort" of being in a country like this.

After getting that email, I started reading through my early posts again. And it struck me that I still feel very strongly about wanting to head back. But, at the same time, it gets more and more sticky here, that Singapore is getting, not more attractive, but rather more like a huge comfortable couch. Meaning that once you get in, you don't want to get out of it. I read back on my post that I wanted to keep on fighting, and I realised that I have lost the fighting will a little bit. My aim in many ways have changed to fighting to make the best use of my time in Singapore. To learn and grow, and not waste this time. No, for those US friends, do not despair. This does not mean I'm not going back to the US. I am, in fact, I have plans to return next April to visit everyone for 2 weeks. And I still really want to be back there. It's just that now, I want to live the "hedonistic" life here in Singapore, that I lived in the US. To enjoy everyday I have here, to have a life far more different from the average Singaporean. To live the type of life that an average Singaporean, even someone who has gone overseas, would never be able to grasp.

Well, this kinda also reminds me about what I read in a Christian book about how God works in our lives in such a way that if He is taken out of our lives, our lives make little sense. But I won't go there now.

This is just some random musing that I have after tutoring on a Saturday afternoon. Nothing too coherent, but generally there.

4 more weeks to climbing Mount Kinabalu! Time to get into shape!

What is the aim of life?

2006-04-01T23:03:00.000-08:00

Well, was actually thinking about this problem for some time now. I usually think about stuff like that during the day, especially when I am not doing anything, or during my travel time from place to place. What's worse is that I feel that I have no aim in my life at the moment. Nothing, nil, zilch, zero, you get the idea.

Why so melancholic? Well, everything I do right now, seems to have little or no point other than filling up my time between work, filling up time between now and something in the future. I play frisbee, I meet up with friends, I play computer games, I go read comics, I go watch movies, I watch soccer, etc. All these are just things to fill up my time and feel happy at the same time. When I'm doing all these things, I am happy. But when I stop doing these, then I'm not happy, I feel down, and of course, more than a little empty. Sometimes, I feel this more acutely, sometimes less.

I recently left an MSN message that said "I feel aimless... often joyless...". I believe there is no joy in my life, often because it is aimless, and whatever I am doing, my sports, my hanging out, it gives me nothing new in life, and is not permanent. I so truly believe that happiness and joy are such different things. I may seem happy and laughing when I am out with friends, but deep down, I feel rather empty. All my life, my aims have been rather clear. Study hard, get good results, go on to the next step in life. It was all rather predetermined. But now, all my studies are done. My "real" life has started and I am in NS, and at a loss. I have not learnt anything new in my job in NS, other than politiking and how to work Excel and Access Spreadsheets at my fingertips. This lack of learning or meaningful work is also part of the problem.

My frisbee league ended yesterday with a bang. We didn't do too well, but I had loads of fun watching the games, spending time with friends and drinking. But when I woke up today (at 3.00pm in the afternoon from all the lack of sleep etc.) I suddenly feel like I'm empty again. Like there is nothing for me to do today, and that sucks.

I need to find something that will give me joy. Not happiness, but real, concrete joy. Joy that will last even in the times of hardship and unhappiness. Something eternal, not fleeting like the games we play, the things we often do, the time-fillers that we are so good at doing. God and Christ has shown me a way, but I have yet to grasp it. Ministry and service to our neighbours, our fellow men, to glorify God and Christ. But how to go about this? Will it really work? What can I do to do that?

Maybe I'll list down some concrete steps to work towards this goal of serving others and keeping God in the center of my life, so I do not feel so empty.

1) Trim my commitments elsewhere. Doing too many things will also take time away from what the most important things are. I'll limit the number of extracurricular activities I do, like sports and also the number of extra projects I take up at work.

2) Use the extra time wisely, and not on computer games. I need to live a useful life and computer games are not useful at all. They are merely time-fillers. Take the extra time to read the Bible, talk to others about the Bible, pray and genuinely build relationships with people.

3) Participate in church more actively. I think I'm ready to help with one of the ministries in church. I no longer just want to be a spectator in church, looking on, without being a real part of it. Maybe I'll join the music ministry, since I like to sing and play the piano.

4) Talk to my mentor about all these and pray that I will find my aim and calling. Share this with my DG for help and guidance. Trust in the Lord that it will happen.

I am only 23 years old this year, turning 24 in August. I walk along Orchard Road and I see so many happy young people, enjoying their youth, walking beside their significant other, or with a group of friends. Yet I often walk Orchard Road by myself, and think about such large questions, and it invariantly puts a strain within me. I suppose it's not so far from the truth when people guess that I am closer to 30 than 20. Yet this also means that I have spent a large portion of my life in the fog, without real aim, and unless I find this real aim, I will spend the rest of my days wandering around, spending my time on the fleeting, the impermanent, and the unimportant.

I lift up this problem of mine to God to help me with it.

Another day, another time

2006-03-20T05:06:00.000-08:00

So it's been another few weeks since I last blogged. And as usual, not much has really happened in my life. Well, unless you count the occasional overtimes that I need to do at work, things have been relatively peaceful, or is it?

Well, 2 weeks ago, things have been extremely turbulent in my life. It had to do with finances and trying to do something about family finances. I was introduced to network marketing, and the money prospects were very good. But there were inherent moral issues that I had with it, but I was pressured into joining the group. In some way, I pressured myself into it without thinking too well about it. I didn't like the system from the start, but the money was the one thing that attracted me to it. It wasn't that it was easy money, you had to put in the hard work to succeed in that business. But it was very good money, that if you did well, you can make 5 digits a month. I struggled very hard in my heart and head about the entire thing, between money and the "how" of making this money. It was a very painful 2 weeks, since I was brought into the system by my friend. In the end, I agreed to join the system. I needed to find a large sum of money to do the initial investment, and I started asking around. But it was after I spoke with my mentor, that I finally realised that it was not what I wanted to do at all. I had no doubt I could succeed in that business, but the ethical and moral issues would unsettle me forever. My mentor brought a light into my life just as I was about to step off that cliff. And I turned back. I dropped the business immediately and since then, there's been a peace within me about the whole finance thing. I still cringe at some of the things that was said to me about the whole network marketing thing and I acutely feel the turmoil and darkness that was within me those 2 weeks. But I am glad that it's over and that I'm back on the right track again. Once again, I believe that God brought just the right person into my life to help me realise that He is never far away and that we should not do things only in our own power, but trust in Him. I'm going to remember this episode as a lesson for many years to come.

On to more joyful things. I just went to the Jason Mraz concert last Friday, in the Esplanade Concert Hall. He was AMAZING! Such a great performer and entertainer, with a beautiful voice. His stage presence was out of the world and his jokes original and fresh. I went with the GIC people and also some church mates. Everyone agreed that Jason Mraz was great. He had the SoCal geeky but cute look and feel, and his jokes reminded me so much of the ones me and my fraternity brothers would crack together. Coupled that I just watched "Just like Heaven" which was shot in San Francisco, I had a huge jab of nostalgia that lasted days. After the concert, we headed to Timbre for drinks and pizza and more live music. Nothing like Jason Mraz, but it was a good night out.

Saturday was mainly tutoring. I'm getting more students now, with a tuition center, so I'm working most of Saturdays now. A 6 day working week. I make way more money tutoring than my National Service, and I need it to survive. After tutoring, I went for dinner at one of my Disciple Group member's house. He had a dinner gathering for all of us. It was great coming together for fellowship and dinner, talking and chatting and getting to know each other. We even had 2 DG friends from OMF International talk to us about their ministry work and what's going on in North Korea for ministry. We chilled, and talked, and it was an excellent way to spend Saturday night. Never felt so rested.

Sunday was church, and it was really fun too. The sermon was a little draggy, but I keep meeting old and new friends at church. I met up with Wong Yann again, after 4-5 years of not seeing him. Stella was there too, along with the GIC people, etc. Going to church is always refreshing and it starts me on the right foot every week now. I had "Just for Newcomers" in the afternoon, a church session for newcomers to ARPC. I've been in the church for 7 months, but haven't been to one of these 14 week sessions, so I'm attending it right now. I miss a couple because of my frisbee league, but once it ends, I'm all the way for JFN.

Then I headed to Seiwei's place to play X-box, and watched "V for Vendetta" with Pearline, Seiwei and Kris. The movie was good! Not a typical brainless action flick with all action no plot. It had good plot, good thought processes but not so deep and heavy that you'll be stressed out with the ideology. Well, apparently, my sociology friend was so excited about watching it and seeing all the sociology implications etc. behind the movie. Too deep for me! After the movie, had dinner with Andy, Pearline and Kris at the S-11 beside Junction 8. I haven't been there since like secondary school, when I studied at RI. Not much has changed. We chatted and just talked about school, my fraternity, and church, etc.

It has been good times lately. And things just flow naturally in life. Although there are still things weighing down in my heart, it isn't as bad as before. I'm still deciding what my life is really about, but that one will take time anyway. And of course the occasional demons within me that need to be exorcised because it plagues me now and then. But all that is within control, and things are getting stable again. Need to pray to God to get rid of these demons and be able to live a truly joyful life again.

Until the next post,

Peace be with all of you! Shalom!

Heavy Hearts

2006-02-27T06:46:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty heavy lately. There's a lot of things that are going through my head about how I should live my life and how I have to plan right now for it.

Work, business, money issues, God, relationship issues, family issues, friends, wanting to travel, live life the way I want, time, the lack of time, everything! There are so much to do and think about. Things really weighed down heavily on my heart and soul when I balance everything and I find that I'm on the short end of so many things. Money issues is probably the one thing that is weighing the most heavily. How can I find a job that will pay off everything that I need to? My responsibility to my family? That leads on to family issues and then more. It so doesn't help that NS only makes me $420 a month and I spend more time tutoring for the rest of the money. That means my Saturdays are burnt. Then I feel that there's a lack of time, and I'm exhausted and drained all the time. I feel stretched out, thinned, and everything around me seems a little less clear.

The only times when I really feel released is in church, when I do worship and listening to my pastor. Somehow, that lifts my spirits and places me back on track. But the rest of the time, even in prayer, I feel that I have taken on so much that I do not have time to actually think, or to even just take time off. Even when I have free time, I take it to rest, to play computer games, to read, but seldom to think. In fact, I just spend free time piling up with things to help me forget thinking about my problems, in that I don't want to really face it. I know the problems are huge, and thinking about it depresses me.

NS is supposed to be a time of transition, to get a feel of how I am going to live life later when I'm really working. However, I just don't seem to really go along with it. I try to make meaning out of NS, but it is so difficult. At least I get to see the big picture, and my CO helps out with that. But my Branch Head is never that helpful, and somehow just loves to make things difficult. I dislike most of what I do, and it seems an absolute waste of time. I want to be efficient, to get things going and leave on time, but that never seems to be able to happen. Somehow, efficiency in the army is like an impossibility, which leads to lots of overtime, and then I get pissed off.

Then with relationships, I get smacked in the face all the time. Somehow, even when things go well, they will have a remarkable way of turning around and smashing me in the face. I'm so tired of that happening. No matter what I do, it's always that way. I make mistakes, just like everyone does, and I try to be mature about it, to do what is best, but it comes back, and basically rips my head off. Is it so bad to be mature about it, or does everything have to be SO DAMN perfect before the girl accepts it??? It's so disappointing, I don't even know what to say. Just that I'm not thinking of any relationship at the moment. I'm going to spend my time with God, and actively wait for His decision to bring a person into my life. Going about all this is just not the way to go. So for those girls wanting a piece of me at the moment, you ladies gotta wait for a year or so.

Heavy hearts. The worst things in life. When the front seems foggy and you don't know what life brings, when the mud and swamp under your feet are sucking you down, when the backpack of responsibilities weigh down on your back like a ton of bricks, and you cannot even sit and rest because there's a pack of wolves on your trail, man, does it really suck! Then one can only pray and have faith that even in these darkest times, God is there with you always and He will not let you fall.

I pray that He will not let me fall. Amen.

Mixed up feelings with life (Part 1)

2006-01-31T01:24:00.000-08:00

Yes I know, I haven't been writing for practically forever. I felt that too, that many things have gone by in the last few months, without me taking note of it, nor actually understanding it. And the piling up of these things in me kinda requires me to sit down and think about them carefully, and sort them out. Kinda like the pensieve that Dumbledore uses in Harry Potter. I'm just getting more and more muddled with life unless I try to sort them out.

Just a quick summary of the things that have gone on in my life since November.

1) Enlisted into the army, working at AOMC, a HR department. Work is alright, I get to wear civilian clothes instead of an army uniform. It's pretty interesting too. Waiting to ORD (Operationally Ready Date) in September 27th, 2007. Long wait. Work is piling too, being the peak period in January. 8am to 11pm pretty consistently and work on Sat and Sun too.

2) Frisbee has picked up a notch. The league games are now and ongoing, every Sunday. I lost the 1st 2 games already, and my team is itching for a win.

3) My walk with God is turning up a notch too. Joining a disciple group that my friend and mentor, Seiwei goes to. Decided that I need spiritual guidance in this journey of life with God. I'm dedicating this year of 2006 to God, and learn as much as I can.

4) Friends from the US have come visiting. Brad Moore, Stephen Cohen, Katrina Bell and brother, are among the few who have dropped by. Sujey flies around the East Asia region and hangs out here too. I'm very thankful that they have come by, and would love to have other friends visit.

5) Dotaing is absolutely mad now. Everyone plays, and I'm on Battlenet nearly every night. I'm becoming pretty good at it, but still have lapses where I get my ass kicked.

6) Life in general is becoming very "stable" or in other words "boring". Predictability and repeatability are the key words here. There's nowhere I can go in Singapore to see new sights, or enjoy new things. I suppose it's the inherent feel of a small country, and that I'm in a military job, that does not help at all. I also don't have enough money to make the trip out of the country. That will have to change, for me to keep my sanity.

7) I have not too many friends here whom I share my thoughts with. Most of them are back in the States and I only have a handful of very close ones here. Yet we are all busy, which makes the time we can actually meet quite rare. I really miss the time with all the brothers back in the States. Heck with privacy. As long as I have my single room, everything else is great with lots of friends around. Although that's a college, ivory tower life, that was such a social life. Need to find a way back for that.

Pain and suffering?

2006-01-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

The calm before NS!

2005-11-18T01:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been nearly a WHOLE month since I last had an entry into my blog. Just a quick update on some of the things that have been happening in my life!

1) I'm re-enlisting into the army! Yes! Woohoo! I start work on Monday, 21st of November. It has been 4 and a half months of sitting around, enjoying what a free life can be. Now, it's all coming to an end. I mean, I want to start my National Service, so I can get on with the rest of my life and get back to where I really want to be, the US. But it's also been the usual daily routine of not doing anything too much and getting to work can be a big change.

Strictly speaking, I have never had regular work that was 8-5.30pm, every weekday. So, it'll be an interesting thought about what would happen. I went through my Polygraph Test 2 weeks before to get my security clearance before I can work in the department. Should be interesting work, I hope.

2) Played a friendly frisbee match last week for Muddy Grass against Team Dratts. We won 15-8, even though we went into the half down 7-8. It was fun, because unlike just playing pickup, you were more serious about your decisions, about your running and getting onto defense. I caught 2 discs for scores and threw the winning disc that was caught by Huixing. Feels good to be contributing. Going to be playing league in January, so I have to get into better shape.

3) Doom is a horrible movie. Don't even go watch it. Not worth your time to the least. Better off saving your money to watch something else. Going to watch Harry Potter probably on Monday, as a treat for me starting work.

4) Tuition has ended for both my current students. I'm looking for more students now, mainly those in Junior College. I like teaching JC more than secondary school, knowing the syllabus better and actually being able to talk to the student on a more personal basis. Hoping to get 2-3 students weekly to supplement my miserly NS pay of $450 a month. Not even enough for me to pay my insurance and investments, and my monthly travelling.

5) Been getting emails and messages that friends from the States send me that they miss me a lot. I miss them a lot too. It's horrible not being there, being with your closest friends. I'm going to visit once I get enough money. It's great to be missed and loved and that people still talk about you even though you're 20 hours away by plane.

That's it for now. More to come.

The Sound of Thunder

2005-10-25T01:04:00.001-07:00

Today, I woke up to a huge lightning thunderstorm. In fact, it had already been going on for a while before I woke up. I could hear that it was right about my house and area, because the thunder was heard immediately after the lightning flashed.

I lay in bed for a while, listening to the rolling thunder. It was kinda scary, but it was also a very cool feeling. When I got into the bathroom to start my day, the lightning struck again and the lights went out. So it was a blackout due to the weather. Which made me think hard about how small we are compared to the weather.

Humans are cocky about their achievements and how far they have come in terms of science and what-not. But the world and the elements are still way above any amount of control. Lightning and thunderstorms go on outside, and we bunker down in our brick houses, hoping it would pass and that there would not be any damage. Tornadoes and hurricanes pass and rip up everything, tsunamis and earthquakes break up our usual confidence in our ability to control everything.

To me, thunder sounds a lot like the voice of God. That with all His might and power, He is showing His dominance and His power over all of mankind and of nature. He made all of us, and wants us to accept Him, but we keep pushing Him away. He shouts to us to repent of our sins, but we keep on sinning and going about our own way of life. The thunder reminds me of how small we are in the scheme of things, and the blackout, about how we cannot be sure that our science will ever save us, or provide us with salvation. Only through Christ will our salvation be guaranteed and we have to strive to love Him with all our hearts.

Movies

2005-10-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

So, I've been trying to catch movies every Monday, for different reasons. Firstly, it's much cheaper, only $7.00 compared to $9.50 on the weekends. Also, Monday is kinda like a extremely boring day. I don't have anything to do on Mondays, more so since the weekends are always exciting.

So today, after giving tuition to a JC2 student, I headed to Plaza Singapura for dinner and movie with Joyce. Of course, Seiwei didn't come, coz he had guitar lessons. We bought tickets for the 9.00pm Flightplan, the movie with Jodie Foster losing her daughter on this huge plane. We had dinner at Crystal Jade Kitchen and then went shopping before the movie. Joyve bought loads of cosmetics, because she never used it, and wanted to start, so that she can look pretty. Of course, when girls go shopping, they take a long time. It was kinda fun though, putting a comment here and there, and shopping with a girl is WAY more interesting than just staying at home.

Before the movie started, Joyce taught me a new game, which is guessing the advertisements and trailers before the movie starts. We would guess the exact brand that was being advertised, or the exact movie title that was being trailered. So, things like "shampoo" is not accepted, although "Lux" is. She guessed more of the advertisements of watches and brands. I got the movies, in fact, all the movie trailers. I managed to edge her 8 to 7, and won a drink from her. Hehe. And she expected to beat me easily.

Anyway, the movie was pretty good. Very suspenseful and well directed. Enjoyed it a lot. But then, I enjoy most movies, because I'm not too picky on them, as long as they are realistic and have a certain standard. Last Monday, I watched "Into the Blue", alone at Marina Golden Village, which was also good! Mainly because Jessica Alba was in a bikini most of the time and she's "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!" The plot was not bad too, pretty interesting and I like the shots in the movie, of the beaches, the sea and of Jessica Alba.

This weekend, the movie that we're watching is "Saving Face". I'm also thinking of watching the following movies.
1) The Legend of Zorro
2) Doom
3) Transporter 2
4) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
5) Pride and Prejudice
more...

We'll see how that goes.

It's been a long time

2005-10-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so it's been a long time since I've blogged. But somehow, there's not too much for me to write about. I'm still bumming, still playing frisbee, still chilling and hanging around.

But officially, my youngest sister is the most horrible person in the world. I've been mad at her for the past weeks, in fact the past months. In the 4 years that I've been away, and my second sister in the US, the youngest have grown to think that she's the princess of the world. She has no respect for her elders, demand that everyone listens to her, and has no consideration for anyone, especially her own family. She's rude to my father, and also to me. She takes things for granted and never acknowledges when someone does something nice to her. She's become pretty much the most selfish person in the world that I know. And it sucks, coz she's my sister.

I can't discipline her, coz my parents don't let me. I'm appalled my parents let her off the hook so easily. I'm usually nice to her, but she seldoms cares to talk to me. She's living in her own private world that does not involve other people. Not a word of thanks passes her mouth when I do something nice for her. Tonight was just the last straw. I needed to computer because I promised my friends in the US and UK that I would talk to them online when I got back. My sister had all day and night to use the computer for her homework, and what's more, she has her own computer that we bought her so that she could use the wireless in school. In the end, she took the computer and chased me out of the room. I blew up at her and threatened to slap her and discipline her. Some of the things she said, I won't repeat. I'm still extremely angry at her. I'm writing this at 1.41am in the morning because I had to wait till she's done. I really don't know what to say, and I don't have anywhere to vent. I'm still extremely tempted to go slap her across her smug face. I've seldom felt this angry at anyone, only once in a long time, but this was really the last straw. I've put a password on my computer, so that only I get to use it and she has to get permission.

Arggh, this is a really shitty way to end an extremely good day. I've had a good day training for frisbee and hanging out with my frisbee friends till around 10.00pm. We were training at NUS, and practising hucks (long throws) and dumping (passing the disc for short distance to reset the stall count). It was a 4 and a half hour long training. Then we went to Holland Village to have dinner and also to Coffee Club for dessert. The muddy mud pie was great, despite being really rich and I was really full. We had to share it among 3 people. I was looking forward to a good night talking to my friends online about our week, which was fully spoilt by my stupid, selfish sister. Now, I've to go get a router to split my internet with my sister, so that she can use her own computer and not mess with mine.

I wish I had a place to vent my anger. Pent up anger is one of the worst feelings ever and I've such a hot temper. I feel like I'm so stifled here that I'm going to burst, but I can't, because my parents would start shouting at me. I need to find a freaking beach or a place I can easily get to and scream my head off. Maybe my blog is a way to vent, but it's too intellectual and not emotionally charged. Haizzz.

Update on the week

2005-10-09T02:17:00.000-07:00

I'm officially bored. Quite bored actually. I spend most of my days watching anime (Flame of Recca) and playing Warcraft. The only difference I get is who I can actually call to hang out at different times.

Monday was actually a little better, because I went to the beach to meet Joyce and threw frisbee with her. I need lots of work on throwing, so I just practiced for over an hour. We then had satay, took a long walk and talked about frisbee techniques and skill work. We then picked up Seiwei and Kristina Tom for supper. Actually, Seiwei was so tired he went home by himself first. The three of us picked up Gwendoline (Seiwei's youngest sister) and her friend and went to eat roti prata at Upper Thomson. It was pretty good, the crispy prata. So Monday was a good break from the usual.

Tuesday was boring. Tuition at night. Wednesday was pickup frisbee, which is always good. The running around is what I need to stop my freaking boredom. It's always so nice to be running your heart out, chasing something down. And beating someone to the disc.

Thursday was having lunch with my family, coz it was my mom's birthday. We went to Seoul Garden at Bugis. It was just normal. I ate only meat, like a guy should at a buffet like that. Then I went back to sleep before tuition that night.

Friday was not too different, except I had dinner with Jason and Shuzhen and Valerie at the hawker center next to the Esplanade. It was not too good food for 50% higher price. Not going to go there again. Too few selections. We then headed to Haagen Dazz for good ice cream. Jason likes fruity flavors, as 2 weeks in a row, he had a fruity type ice cream. I had my loads of chocolate again! 3 different scoops of pure chocolate ice cream! Yumyum! Shuzhen had a mix, of different sweet types. After I headed home, I talked to Steph online till 5 in the morning, which is around 10pm in England. I was so sleepy by then.

Saturday was tuition in the afternoon, before I rushed to NUS to play more frisbee. It took an hour to get there from Tanah Merah. Sheeshh. But the game was fun. I made less mistakes than on Wednesday. Dinner was at some food center on Mei Ling Street in Queenstown. We had chicken rice. It was really good stuff! Sweet payed for it, how nice of him! We also had good claypot rice. There were 3 guys at our table and we ate more food than the next table who had 3 guys and 3 girls. Might want to go back again for the claypot rice and chicken rice. Got a message from Eunice Lee to go dancing at Harry's. But was too tired and went home instead.

Sunday was church, and we were doing Revelations 17, 18, 19. It was really heavy stuff, on how the world and many cities are built to glorify man's achievements rather than God's and how men are lured and seduce by riches and the worldly things. That we have a choice to choose God's wedding banquet instead of drinking out of the "prostitute's" cup. Need to digest more on that. I'm also reading "Defending your Faith", which proves through evidence and historical stuff about the inerrancy of the Bible and the fact the Jesus is in fact God's human form. It's a very interesting read and I'm learning lots through it.

My students for tuition backed out on me for tuition today. One went back to Indonesia without even telling me, making me go there and there was no one. Pissed me off really badly. I'll call him about that and probably give him a warning on that. My second one just changed his lesson to Monday, so more like a postponement. It's okay, as he calls to tell me. I'm flexible at the moment too, so that's fine. Ah, I really hate students who take you for granted that they will not inform you about what goes on and make you wait outside their door and waste your time. I'll probably charge the student a flat fee of $20.00 everytime something like that happens. Irresponsibility is something I detest more than anything else, in line with betrayal.

2 more weeks to enlistment. Hopefully things will be better.

Pes Status! C9L3

2005-10-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

So yay! I finally got my PES status, which is my medical status from the army. It's C9L3. It means that I don't have to do the annual IPPT fitness test and I am "able to bear firearms and protect themselves, others and property." I can also be "deployed in MSA or service support formation/units." All this just means that I'll probably be a project clerk somewhere in the immense machinery that the Ministry of Defence is.

3 more weeks to enlisting! I think...

Black Eyed Peas!!!

2005-09-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, so yesterday was the Black Eyed Peas concert at the Indoor Stadium. It was GOOD. Well, it took a little adjustment to get to the point of good, but we had loads of fun.

I went with the GIC people to the concert. Had dinner with Kenneth, Desmond and Elaine. We then took a cab to the Indoor Stadium. It was a sold out concert, with a crowd of 6,000. We waited for the others to pass them the tickets. We bought fairly cheap tickets, $59 ones. It gave us balcony seats on the left side of the stage.

It was a "sit-down" concert, meaning that there was no space on the floor to actually stand and dance like you would at a typical rock concert. Then again, Singapore always keeps things down anyway. We all commented on how stupid it would be to be sitting down and waving our hands at a concert like that. The phrase of the night was, "This is Singapore, what do you expect?" Anyway, there was the 1st "beebop" championships held before the concert really started and pitted two youngsters against each other. They were pretty good, I must say, for their age of 15 and 18.

We then had Daniel Ong from 98.7 FM, welcome the Black Eyed Peas on stage. And that's when the problem started. They didn't appear. The audience was going crazy, screaming and shouting but no Black Eyed Peas. The people grew impatient after a while, although they were screaming everytime something looked as if the Peas were coming on stage. During the wait, the people sitting at the most expensive seats, at the ground level of the Indoor Stadium, were moving forward towards the stage, expecting to be able to dance and get close. They were turned away by the ushers and asked to get back to their seats. There were definitely booing at this. People paid good money to be getting close to the performers and they want to dance. This scene repeated itself in various parts of the stadium. On the balconies, we got off our chairs and stood at the railings to dance and party to the music. But after a while, the ushers asked us to get back to our seats too, on the pretext that we would fall off the balcony. One of the ushers was actually my friend from BMT, Abel Li. We exchanged numbers on the spot, while I moved back to my seat.

It took around 25 minutes before the Peas came out. They were no less warmly welcomed by the crowd. The concert then went pretty smoothly. The songs were good, and it was really fun seeing a live concert. We got out of our balcony seats and went downstairs to get some standing space and to really rock it out. The atmosphere would have been really horrible if I had to sit in my seat for the entirety of the concert. This is not a classical concert, where people should definitely sit still to enjoy the music. This is a HIP HOP concert. Man, if the organizers were really smart, there should have the entire floor as a dance floor and sold tickets at a much higher price. There was a lot of comments about that when we left the concert.

The Peas played the usual songs, like Filipino, My Style, Pump it, etc. At Where is The Love, they asked us to take out our cellphones, and dimmed the lights in the Stadium. It was really nice just having the cellphone lights on waving to the music. It was dedicated to the victims of the tsunami, the Hurricane Katrina and other things like world peace. It was a very touching moment. They ended the night with "Let's Get Started." I still really hate the fact that it's "Let's Get Started" instead of the actual "Let's Get Retarded." This place is just too damn PC for me.

Overall, it was an amazing concert. I really liked it and enjoyed the songs. The Peas are good singers and performers. There were also a lot of expatriates there, a much higher than usual number that you'll see. You can see the difference in taste of music between the Singaporeans and expats. I'm waiting for the next great group to come to Singapore. Hopefully, it'll be even better!

The iPod Nano

2005-09-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

Wow man! The Nano looks so HOT! It's like so much smaller than the mini, so thin and sleek. Looks really amazing. I love Apple stuff. I mean the design, not the system. The thought that has gone into the design is so sweet, and thoughtful.

Although, they are discontinuing the iPod Mini. I really liked it too. I have one and it's served me really well. Hmmm.

Leaving on a jet plane

2005-09-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

So I sent Steph off today. It was kinda sad. I'll miss her terribly, after the good times we had together. We hung out at the airport for a while, having lunch at Swensons. We sat around and talked as usual. She also bought a bottle of cologne for me.

Not sure when I met get to see her again, earliest in 2-3 years. But it's a "See you later", not "Goodbye". Same thing as when I left the States for home. It's never Goodbye.

For now, time to move on with life and enjoy what it has to offer!

Bloggers charged with making racist remarks in Singapore

2005-09-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, so the online cyberspace is being controlled as part of media space too. It's really kinda scary that Singapore cracked down on the blogs and used the sedition act on the parties involved.

Two bloggers charged under Sedition Act over racist remarks, Channelnewsasia
Net closes in on blogs of hate, MediaCorp Press
Two Singapore men charged with seditious remarks aimed at Malay community, The China Post
2 bloggers charged with making racist remarks in Singapore, People's Daily Online

In some way, this is not surprising, since this is a country where free speech is not necessarily free, the government places very huge emphasis on multi-cultural harmony and will do nearly everything in its power to crack down on any that disturbs the peace.

But in many ways, I wonder how this government control is being effective. On the surface, everything looks to be fine. People from different cultures are courteous to one another, etc. But below the surface, it's not all fine. I wrote this in my earlier posts, during my time in the US, Singaporeans are among the most racist people I know. Worse than Chinese, Japanese and sometimes even Koreans and the Americans. If you think that the white American persecute the Black people, Singaporeans or most Asians will not even look in their direction. Why? Why is there this underlying racism that rivals that of well known racist countries?

My belief, and this is just my belief, that the heavy control that the government places have a hand to play in this. This is not to lay all the responsibilities on them. Other reasons are already there, like being a small, successful country in which success got into its head and the difference in the performance of different racial groups. But when you have all these reasons, the solution is not to create a network of control that prevents people from making racist comments, punishing those who cross the line. Such a stance will only serve to bury the innate racism even further into the psyche of Singaporeans. People make racist jokes as small outburst of racism without a thought, but this is merely a little steam from an blocked up active volcano. All the outlets are blocked and the buildup pressure will eventually lead to a huge explosion like that of Mount St. Helens.

I realised a lot of what the government does is merely symbolic, like bringing together the different races for celebrations and so on. It's a good step, but it's often just for show on the surface. Merely seeing things done on TV by the government does not mean that the population necessarily feels the same way. The "gahmen" will always be the "gahmen", different from the people. Another point is that when you show everything as saavy and groovy, (meaning that everything is going smoothly), people become complacent. People no longer address the underlying reasons or think about why they themselves might be racist. Few, if anyone, goes about their lives thinking about WHY they look at someone from another race differently. But many, if not all, think bad thoughts about another race.

Tell me, what are you thinking about when you see a bunch of poor Indians, Malays, Chinese or anyone different from you sitting and talking by the roadside? Whatever you're thinking, you aren't questioning why you are thinking that way. You just think your bad thoughts. That is racism in its core. You think of them being lazy, being wasteful, a disruption to the peace, and you attribute it to them being from a certain race. This way of thought is inherent because of people are naturally xenophobic. But it festers the soul, eats at the heart of human compassion. Will anyone ever think the other way, that instead of them being the "low class ones", that you yourself are putting yourself on a higher pedestal than you should be? Few people think about how lucky they are, especially when you are comparing yourself to someone from another race.

I do not claim to have solutions. If I actually DO have solutions to racism, I'll probably be somewhere close to having the divinity of God. But I believe that conflicts make people grow and understand better. Everything has been so smooth sailing in Singapore that few wonder about anything anymore. Like friendships, only when there are occasional conflicts, do people know where the other person stand and adjust themselves to meet these new dimensions that they have learnt about the person. Without conflicts, everyone is working only in their comfort zones and no one grows. Similarly with different races, slight, moderated conflicts bring about greater understanding. I don't mean the government understanding more about the issues, but a general understanding among the population. As long as the arms of the ruling leaders are, they are not the population. They do not always reflect the general sentiments of the people. So my belief is that small conflicts will actually further the cause of educating people and making people less racist.

I would love to live in a world where there is no racism. Where everyone views everyone the same way, that we are all humans, and not according to background, to skin color, or to the color of their eyes. I would love to be a person who is not racist at all, to see past the outsdie and into the human soul. I have a long long way to go, and so does the nation. Until then, maybe we can all make small efforts to look at the person living across your street, who is different from you, in a friendlier manner.

LIfe is fun and sweet!

2005-09-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Some of you will know that I've been spending lots of time with the GIC scholars. The friday that just passed, I had dinner with the Stanford people at Crystal Jade Kitchen at Plaza Singapore. It was nice to meet them again after some time. Most are working already, or heading into Officer Cadet School by the 19th of Sept. After dinner, they were going to watch "Be with Me", an Eric Khoo film.

Instead of joining them, I met up with the GIC people for Nicole's farewell. Nicole is one of the GIC scholars who was interning at GIC for her summer and met her at the beach trip with Seiwei. She's done with her internship and now heading back to Malaysia before going back to Imperial College for her 3rd year. The group of us went to Post Bar at the Fullerton Hotel for drinks. I know most of the people there from previous outings with them, except Elwin, whom I just meet. I know I look mature but it's kinda freaky that people always guess that I am older than them. Elwin thought I was older than he was, even though I am 2 years younger than he was. Hmmm. We then headed back to Nicole's apartment at Darby Place for more drinks (Whisky Coke) and chilling. After 2 hours, all of us left for home. I had to tutor kids early in the morning. Sigh.

Anyway, Saturday came along, too fast, and I had to get up for tutoring. The good thing was that I was going to be hanging out with Steph for the rest of the day, so I was excited. Tutoring ended with the the usual talking with the parents about the progress of their kids and reassuring them that I'm doing the best to maximise their potential. I met up with Steph at City Hall, to go to Funan to buy a backpack for her sister. I wasn't sure why Funan, coz it sells electronics more than anything else. We didn't find it, but we went to Sakae Sushi for a really fun and chill lunch. The conversations with Steph is just really easy, as we talk about everything. There's nothing we can't talk about, and I can't emphasize enough how great it is to have someone with you who understands you, is unassuming and just amazing company. I'm lucky to have found Steph to be that person for the past weeks.

After lunch, we headed to Raffles City to try to find her a watch. She's been wanting to find a watch for herself for a while, and haven't been able to find one that she really wanted. Shopping with girls are fun. They do most of the oggling and shopping while the guy stands there to be the commentator. She notices a lot of random stuff when we walk along, while I'm just looking at, "Where's the next watch shop?" Steph remarked about guys being the hunters, therefore having tunnel vision, while girls have lots of peripheral vision to multi-task and shop. =) The search was unsuccessful, although we did go into many cute shops that sell cute gifts, etc. We then headed back to Steph's place for her to change, as she was going to watch Quidam with the GIC people later that night. We took the bus to Bugis for dinner. Met up with Desmond, another of the GIC scholars. He's a really funny and amazing guy. Behind his half ditsy and half "beng" exterior, I know he has a brain way smarter than mine (not that it means anything), plus lots of street smarts. After dinner, they left for the show and I left for home to rest. I was going to meet up with them later for supper after the show.

I got home, chilled and took a nap. When I got up, it was 10.30pm. The house was dark and my parents were asleep. It feels like it was the dead of the night, although I knew that it was still early and that I was heading out for more fun and excitment with friends. My parents sleep really early, and it's kinda a bummer. I'm still not used to the sleeping early, coz I'm practically still on study hours, waking up late, sleeping late and hanging out till the wee hours of the morning. I met up with Seiwei, Steph, Desmond and Elaine at Arab Street for supper. We ate at an Indian stall which sold really HUGE murtabaks. For those who don't know what that is, it's like a huge quesadilla stuffed with meat. I had a mutton one and it was just so big I couldn't finish it, which is pretty rare for me.

After that huge supper, we headed back to Steph's place to watch episodes of Lost. Desmond didn't join us because he had to leave for Hong Kong the next day. So it was just Steph, Seiwei, Elaine and I. Lost was actually pretty good, and we watched 3 episodes in a row. Then it was 3 in the morning and Seiwei had to go to church at 9.00am. So Seiwei and Elaine left for home. Steph and I stayed up to watch another episode, before I crashed at her place. Coz we were both going to church at ARPC at 11.15am and it's fun taking a cab together anyway. And also that I didn't have to drag myself home at 4 in the freaking morning.

It was a good sleepfor a Sunday morning today, although a little short. We got up and caught a cab to church. I needed some milo to perk me up, although Steph was the one who was nodding off at church. =) The sermon was VERY good. It was forceful in the right way and the pastor did a very good job backing up his arguments. We were studying Revelations Chapter 4 and 5. The whole sermon revolved around the fact that God and Christ should be the center of our lives, because They were the ones with the plans for mankind. Without Them, it was pointless to be living in this world of despair, hurt and lawlessness. I'm not going to go into a religious sermon in my blog, but just that I was very impressed by the sermon.

Steph was supposed to go to Queensway to shop for her sister's bag again, and her friend backed out on her. So I volunteered to go with her. We had lunch at the Adam Road food center and took a cab to Queensway. Her sister specifically wanted the Deuter AirContact 55+10, in red or orange. It was tough to find and there wasn't the 55+10, only 50+10 and 60+10. So we ended up trying to find Steph a pair of cross-trainers, which also proved very elusive. Steph herself commented that she dreaded going shoe-shopping with herself. I remembered the last few times I did shoe-shopping with a girl, I nearly choked with boredom and frustration. =) So, after hitting a few shops, we stopped and headed to Ikea next door instead.

Now, that was a really cool Ikea trip. Steph and I were basically imagining what our dream house would be like and what we would like to design it in. At every exhibit, we would comment about what we liked about it, and how we would incorporate some of the designs. A few things we settled on:
1) Modern Western Design
2) Bedroom with walk-in closets, no pine wood, but rather Mahogony or Oak
3) No footboards on the bed
4) Sinks with at least 2 bowls
5) No hanging of glasses on plastic racks
6) No hanging of spatulas above the stoves, coz they get greasy
7) Lots and lots of knives
8) Island cooking counters for the kitchen, along with breakfast counters
9) No kid rooms, not unless absolutely necessary
10) Need to have an AV room with red, gray and cushy designs
11) Jacuzzi that has steps up but sunken into the raised area
12) More
Feel free to consult me if you need to design your house. I'll gladly do it! Maybe I should be a designer.

The whole Ikea trip was just really cool, coz one, Steph is great company, (How many times have I said that?) two, I got to stretch my imagination on what I really wanted my future house or apartment to look like, and three, it's just so sweet to be sharing with someone about something personal like house decorating.

Once the Ikea trip was over, we headed to Secret Recipes for some drinks and headed back to our respective homes by MRT. I still had to tutor tonight, although just for 2 hours. Payday again! Steph was really tired and it has been an exciting weekend. She needed to get some sleep or she would be a zombie for work on Monday.

She has another 8 days left in Singapore, before heading back to Malaysia and then to Cambridge for her 3rd year. This is going to be the last 8 days we have together for a long time. She most likely would not be back in Singapore next year, so it would be at least 2 years before we see each other again. I don't know what to feel about that. It's sad to have left Stanford and know that it will be long years before I can see many of my friends there again. That is still so fresh in my mind. Now, I am going to be saying the same to someone I met in Singapore. How would 2 years change us? Would we be able to click together as well as we do now? Life leaves so many questions for us to find the answers to. I guess the best we can do now is to enjoy the 8 days we have left and keep in touch through these 2 years. I feel that for people like us (scholars, or mobile people), change is so prevalent in our lives that it is nearly impossible to guess at what miight even happen. As much as I enjoy the change because it brings about difference and excitement in life, some parts of life, I would like to be a little more predictable. Friends around me, not leaving too abruptly, etc. Sigh.

Just to end on a good note, I am happy with the way things have turned out and I could not have asked for more on the facet of friends. I thank the Lord for all He has provided me.

Another Crazy week over!

2005-09-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, I had a really crazy week. That's why I haven't been writing on my blog, coz I just have been running around, meeting people and having fun.

Wednesday was frisbee again. I played really hard, because I didn't think I'll be playing on Thursday due to tuition. And I went out to dinner with Clive, Huixing, Mike and Weiyang. We talked about Dota (yes, guys and Warcraft 3), girls, and how good we looked as above average Singaporean guys. Clive and Weiyang also asked me to try to join Muddy Grass for the Singapore Open because they were short a person. After dinner, I went off to meet Steph Tan for a movie. We didn't actually caught one, coz the midnight movies at Cineleisure were kinda crap. So, we went to have ice cream at the cafe downstairs. We talked about a lot things, family, friends, and our time in college. I then walked her back to where she stayed.

Thursday was more tuition for my JC student. It lasted 2 hours in the afternoon, after which, I dashed off to Riverside (Clarke Quay). I still want to play frisbee anyway, so tuition didn't stop me. Gameplay was much smoother for me already. I had dinner with Joyce (Seiwei's sister) at Kallang. We ate a lot coz I was starving. We then headed back to my place for me to shower. Joyce was looking at some of my old family photos and commenting on how "nerdy and dorky" my sisters and I were when we were younger. I know I looked really nerdy then. Not now. =) We then headed to Harry's at Esplanade for some drinks and the jazz. Joyce likes the jazz player at Harry's at Esplanade a lot. We sat there, talking about life, frisbee, and the scholars. She found my blog. Not surprising, since she put two and two together, making a guess that my blog would be teesing.blogspot.com. Anyway, I was supposed to meet Steph at Chijmes for more drinks with her friends from Malaysia, but decided to just relax and talk to Joyce for the rest of the night coz we haven't been talking or playing frisbee together for a while. Then I went back home.

Friday adds another count to my visitor count. John Shen, another fraternity brother arrived in Singapore. Wenzheng and I took him out in turn, to Orchard, City Hall, Esplanade and then Geylang for dinner. John was really curious about Geylang, coz like most Americans, never been to a country where prostitution was legalised. He wanted a tour of Geylang which I gave him. He also wanted to ask how much it cost for a prostitute, merely for intellectual curiosity. I was a little uncomfortable, coz after living here for many years, I really dislike this aspect of Geylang. But well, it's life. And I understand how he might be curious about all this. We then met up with Anant, another fraternity brother and the other ATI people here in Singapore at Clarke Quay. We chilled and talk for a while, before I left for Club Momo. Jeremy from GIC was having his last night in Singapore and the GIC people were there to club and hang out. It's always really fun clubbing with them. I left slightly early because I had to tuition the next day and train for frisbee with Muddy Grass at NUS.

Saturday brought about more fun. Tuition was okay. It's a job. Frisbee training with Muddy Grass is tough. I don't like running, but frisbee is all about sprinting and running. I was so tired. I was breathing really hard and exhausted when 5.00pm came. It was good though. I got some catches, understood the game better and put in my best in throwing and catching. I need lots of work if I want to play in the open, especially with my stamina. I'm pretty fast on the field, but my stamina runs out pretty fast. If I'm playing the cup in a zone defense, I'm dead by the time we hop to the 3rd or 4th guy during the passing. I like playing deep deep, which is the last person in either offense or defense, coz I like to run long and jump at disc near or in the end zone. I definitely had some acrobatic falls from full jumps and having someone crash into me. No damage done though. Training lasts till sundown, but I was off to meet Steph and the GIC people to watch Red Eye, so I left early. They will keep in touch whether they want me to play.

The movie was kinda okay, not very exciting, and very short. Lucky, it was only 6 bucks from the GIC discount. We then headed to Swensons for dessert. It took forever (an hour) for the earthquake ice cream to come and the waitress gave really silly excuses. Steph went to the manager and the earthquake was complimentary. The manager is really nice though. I'll still go back, even though service is slow on Friday nights. Nice way to burn some time. We then headed to play some pool next to Hard Rock. Another early night for so that I can get to church on Sunday.

Church today, and then lunch with Steph, Desmond and Nicole. Lunch was at Crystal Jade Palace at Taka. It was pretty good, having a nice hot tim sum lunch after getting soaked in the rain. Tuition tonight was tiring as usual. 3 hours of brain wrecking work, coz I don't think my student is thinking too much, just me doing all the problems. He wants more tuition tomorrow (Monday), Tuesday, Thursday and next Sunday. 4 days a week, 2-3 hours at a go. Wow, if I wasn't as free as I was, it's going to be a huge chore. But today was also payday and it feels really good. Gotta love the money, or how am I going to pay for all the clubbing?

More tuitioning next week! Hopefully, Muddy Grass will take me to play for them at the Open. I really want to do that, it will be fun, although I'll probably drop after the tournament. My leg muscles are all super sore. Ouch.

Next week... more craziness to come!

Tutoring, Good Money?

2005-08-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, I've been tutoring to make some money to keep my lifestyle alive. You know, the binge drinking, the expensive dinners, and definitely the flashy cars. Yeah right.

Anyway, I took a junior college student this week. I'm helping him with Math and Physics for his A levels, which is the equivalent of the final examinations for 12th grade. I was quite scared when I got the assignment. Why? Coz I'm rusty with a lot of this math and physics. I got the assignment on Wednesday last week and the first lesson was on Sunday night.

To prepare for this assignment, I spent a lot of time just reading through and understanding all my old notes for both subjects. I didn't make it all the way through. I finished Physics and barely started Math before it was Sunday. It took much longer than I thought it would. There's a lot of material covered over both years of Junior College, and I had to do all that in 4 days. I didn't even try to solve any of the problems, but rather just went through the conceptual stuff. I was not confident of Math and was thinking maybe I should tell him that we should concentrate on Physics instead of Math on Sunday.

When Sunday came along, I was definitely kinda stressed. I was tired from the lack of sleep and extremely fun clubbing. Although I had a long nap that afternoon, I was still a little edgy. I got my parents to send me to the place so I didn't have to waste time taking the bus.

When I got there, I showed Ken (my student) my qualifications as I was supposed to and settled down to answer his questions. I was kinda jittery, mainly because it kinda sucks if I showed him all my qualifications from Stanford and couldn't answer his Math or Physics questions. Furthermore, I am charging a higher rate for my qualifications.

The first question was Math, on trigonometry. I got stuck. After some effort trying to solve it and couldn't, I asked to move on to the next question while I think about it. At that point, I was really worried. The second question was not too much better. I was definitely struggling, trying to push my brain through. I was suddenly so ready to just tell Ken that I couldn't do it and just leave. It would have pretty much been the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I didn't leave. I took a mental breath and tried to relax. After a little thinking, I got the answer. I showed Ken how to do it and tried to get him to follow along.

The next question went much smoother, and the next and the next. Suddenly, I was on a roll. Whatever he threw at me, I steamrolled through it and explained everything carefully. Ken's slightly slow in understanding, so I had some leeway in the explanation process, being able to take it slow. My brain was finally co-operating and I was feeling a lot better. We moved on from Math to Physics and things got even better. When the 2 hours was up, we arranged to have our next lesson on Tuesday night.

When I left, I heaved a sigh of relief. It was tough starting out. I'm really rusty. But somehow, my brain pulled through and I didn't embarass myself. I just needed some brain exercise, which I got after those 2 hours. It was tiring, and I was drained. But now, I know that as long as I relax a little, I can do it.

Things became much better on Tuesday. Ken called earlier to arrange for a 3 hour lesson instead of 2 hours. It would prove to be tiring as usual, but I was no longer afraid. It wasn't a breeze and I was tired after the 3 hours, because I did most of the problem solving and just explained the ideas to him. He seems really happy with my teaching, or really desperate, because from a twice a week lesson, we are arranging for 3-4 times a week, 2-3 hours every time. Now that it's getting easier for my brain, it's actually pretty good money. I can actually teach well now, just after those two lessons of warming up. So I feel pretty justified to call my rates, slightly higher than the normal tutoring rates.

Yeah! Good money rolling in for my expenditure!

Oh man! Such an amazing weekend night!

2005-08-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, my weekend was amazing again. Sounds like the norm for me nowadays eh? Not really, I won't take things like that for granted, but Saturday night is still very vivid and sweet in my mind.

I tuitioned on Saturday and it was payday too. It felt good, even though I didn't have too much sleep the night before and had to suck it up. The kids had a lot of fun at my lesson and I was happy too. Then I went home to get changed for dinner with my JC classmates. My sister was complete burnt like a cooked lobster. She was out in the sun for 6-7 hours supporting her faculty games and she's usually pretty pale. So she looks like a lobster now. It's so funny! I'm laughing writing this and imagining how she looks.

Seeing my old JC classmates again was also really cool. Lots of them changed in little subtle ways. The ladies are mostly working and the guys either studying or in NS. We had dinner at the Sudanese Restaurant at Suntec City. We talked about the old days, the new life we are all living now. The joy I felt at seeing them again could hardly be described. I spent 2 very good years with them, being extremely close. And now, seeing them all being the best in whatever they do, enjoying and making the most out of life is also very comforting. Many of them have gone overseas to study, actually, more than half my class went either to the UK or the US. 5 in Stanford, 3 in Cornell, 1 in UMich, 1 in UT-Austin, 1 in Duke, 1 in LSE, 1 in Oxford and more. All of them enjoyed the times overseas and many would go back, to visit or even to work. So I'm not alone in feeling that! =)

Anyway, after dinner, we went to Harry's at Esplanade to drink and chat. Some of us had a jug of Sangria. And we broke into the more intellectual conversations, since the catching up was done mostly at dinner. My class has always been very intellectual, as you can infer from now. We talked about the income inequality in Singapore, the need to keep wages competitive with the region, possbility to female National Service etc. I miss a lot of these talks. It forces me to substantiate my points, consolidate my thinking, as I'm talking with the best brains in the nation. The girls are getting the frontline news about Singapore's progress, with them working in the Economic Development Board of Singapore and the Monetary Authority of Singapore, etc. Jacky is working in the Singapore Tourism Board. Yiwen plays frisbee too, but on Friday, so I might add Friday to my list of frisbee days, since I have to miss Tuesdays now.

I was tired after drinking and talking to my classmates. I wanted to go home, even though Steph from GIC had asked me to go clubbing at New Asia Bar with her and her friends. My wallet was kinda hurting at the moment, after an expensive night on Friday night and now on Saturday. But when she messaged me, I gave in, thinking that I didn't follow them to Cocolatte the week before, I should go tonight. So when class outing ended, I headed to SwissHotel at Raffles City to meet Steph, Nicole and their friends. The cover charge for New Asia is $20 bucks, and included a vodka martini. It wasn't the drinks that made the night. The company was amazing. I hadn't clubbed for a long time, and most of my Stanford friends and other friends don't club. I like to, but only with friends. So clubbing with Steph and Nicole and their Malaysian friends were really cool. The dancing was energizing, although the view of the country from the 70th storey was breath-taking. I had never seen my country from that height and doing so last night, when all the lights were out, it was really beautiful. The company, the fun, the view and the dancing was worth every bit. I talked a lot to Steph about different things, about her work, my life and lots of other things. New Asia Bar is filled with much older people. The on-going joke between us youngsters were that the music and the people there were just so much older and had no energy. There were also a lot of girls there who were out to pick up some random white guy. SPGs or Sarong Party Girls, we call them. I have no problems with that. To each their own. But it was a club filled with lots of white people, probably pretty rich, and a completely different scene from Zouk or ChinaBlack.

After clubbing comes the supper food. It was 3 in the morning, but I followed them anyway. We went to River Valley Road for food. Milo Dinosaur is great! I love it! So much milo powder and it was so sweet! The prata was pretty good too. Stpeh was bouncing off the walls with her sugar high and all the Malaysians were talking about the Malay language and whether they were getting the right vocab for castrations, circumcision, in Malay. It was a hilarious night, lots of fun. Apparently, the food in Malaysia is different from Singapore, even though it's close. The Maggi Mee Goreng in Malaysia is brown, instead of red like it is in Singapore. Steph, who is from Malaysia, thought it was horrible. Girls...

After all that fun, it was 5.30am in the morning. We all went to crash at Steph's and Nicole's place. I figured that was the best way, because I had to get to church in the morning and I knew that if I went home to sleep, I'm NOT getting up for church. So, after 4 hours of sleep, Steph and I, along with Jeremy and Desmond went to ARPC. Church was good and the series was talking about Revelations. Then there was lunch at the Adam Road Food Center. There, we bumped into Nikki Mok, and I bumped into Ester Teo, whom I haven't seen for some time since we met at San Francisco. Ester is also a GIC scholar and was working there for 6 months before coming back here.

I went home to get some sleep, actually a lot of sleep. I needed it because of tuition later at night. How tuition went, I'll leave it up to the next entry. This entry is long enough. But just to wrap up, it was just such a great and amazing night. It reminds me how nice it is to be young and energetic, and how nice it is to have so many different groups of friends that enrich your life to no end. Praise the Lord.

The week that past

2005-08-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

As those of you might have realised, my posts have been getting more infrequent. Not through neglect, but things have been settling down more into a routine and new things pop up less often. Every day of the week, I know pretty much what to do.

Monday: Chill after a weekend of fun. Read. Play Defense of the Ancients (Warcraft 3)
Tuesday: Play ultimate frisbee at Riverside. Might include a dinner with friends after that.
Wednesday: Play ultimate frisbee at National University of Singapore. Definitely includes dinner with friends.
Thursday: May play ultimate frisbee at Riverside, depending on whether I'm up to it. Dinner with friends or alone. Dancing at Jitterbugs after dinner. Drinks after? Maybe.
Friday: Party night. Chill the day away, plan for dinner, and partying. General drunkedness.
Saturday: Tuition for the Sim kids. 3 hours in the morning or afternoon. Beach maybe, or just planning some get-together with old or new friends.
Sunday: Church in the morning. Now, I have tuition on Sunday nights. There would be another tuition during the weekdays, just not sure what time we're settling on yet.

That's about it. Not too much change nowadays. The only change is the people I meet, new or old, the slight differences in each time I play ultimate and the movies I watch.

Watched "Mob Sister" with Clement on Wednesday. It was a nice movie, but we weren't really in the mood for a chinese mob story that was very heartfelt and beautiful. We were expecting some fighting, some taking over of gangs etc. Instead, we had a young 18 year old who refused to see her "uncles" fight over the gang land and sacrificed herself for her beliefs. It was quite a beautiful movie, although a bit cheesy.

Yesterday was a very tiring day. Went to RJC to apply for a relief teaching position. Decided that since I have another 6 weeks as a civilian, I might as well go teach the younger ones something. I like old school anyway, and it'll be nice to teach for a while.

Then I spent 2 hours going through my old JC physics notes. I'm tutoring this kid who is going to take his A levels in 2 months and I have to know the stuff better than he does before I can tutor. I'm rusty in some of the concepts, so I have to brush that up.

After that, I headed down to Riverside for frisbee. It was another tiring running around. Although this time, I actually managed to make better cuts and better throws. I scored a few times, both throwing the disc and catching it in the end zone. After reading the book, Ultimate, and playing it every week, I'm getting a good hang of it. Still a long way to go, but it's a start. I might play in the Singapore Open with a team that needs people. But I'm still not sure about that yet. Hmmm.

Dinner followed frisbee. I was starving. I need a lot of food to keep my stomach happy. And I didn't eat too much lunch. After dinner was dancing. Seiwei and Stephanie Tan (not Seiwei's gf Steph) were there too. Steph Tan is new to dancing, so we taught her how to do the lindy. Dancing is still really fun. As long as I keep figuring out new moves in my head and not dance too much that it gets stale. I'm not getting any better. Just smoother and will play more with the music. I'm kinda stagnanting with taking classes. But I'm not too keen on doing that at the moment. Maybe later on, I'll do that again. Met Gracie dancing. She works as an advertiser. She knew Seiwei way back when they first started dancing. She's starting dancing again. Seiwei, Steph, Gracie and I went for a drink after dancing. Gracie and I were talking about Singapore's globalization and letting the younger people meet up with people from other countries. Our topic also involved a lot of how Singapore needs to look outwards through its people building relationships with foreign counterparts, either by having exchange programs with them, or going overseas. We'll be continuing to talk about this next week.

After that, we went home. The bus service stopped already. So instead of taking a cab (saving money), I walked home. It took me 50 minutes to get home. It isn't a long way, just from one end of a highway to the other and I have done it many times. I was just really tired after running around all day and dancing. It was kinda fun though. Haven't walked that road for a while. It passes through where I canoed for 2 years. I took a while to reminescine about the days of canoeing when we were crazy and had to train the whole day, doing lots of pushups and chinups. The pain and the glory. When I finally got home, it was a hot shower and then Dota before dropping my tired body into bed.

A pretty good day. I'm still continuously meeting new people that pop out of nowhere. I'm kinda making a huge effort to be friendly and meet lots of people. And it's definitely paying off well. I'm averaging 1-2 new people every week. The good thing is also that I still meet up with these people every week, therefore improving relationships. Like they say, "There's no such thing as a business relationship. It's always a personal relationship." The more people I am friends with, the better it is for life in general and even business.

However, I have yet to meet up with one of my oldest friends since I came back to Singapore. I need to set something up with him to meet him again. We have been friends since we were 3 and although our paths have been different in life, our history keeps us together. Time to figure out what he's up to.

What do I talk about?

2005-08-21T04:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been some time since my last entry. I figured I should do some writing.

This Friday was Chris' birthday dinner celebration. We (the Stanford bunch + Frankie) went to some Noodle Bar at Millenia Walk. It was pretty good Szechuan noodles. We then went to Boat Quay for drinks. Okay, some really funny things that night.

1) The bar was kinda horrible. It's called Queenz. And there's this small font that says, "Since 2005". Is it since 2005 B.C? or A.D?

2) The guys played a drinking finger guessing game. Chee Hau was playing with Jason. Of course, if you lose, you drink. Jason was drinking a mixed drink and Chee Hau? Sprite. Jason kept playing with him. He didn't know why he kept losing.

3) Eating satay at Lao Pa Sat. I was sitting opposite Shuzhen and Jason was opposite Chris.
Me: I wonder where all the cute girls at Singapore hang out.
Chris (to Jason more than me): There's one opposite you.
Jason (Bursts out laughing): Chris, you're opposite me and you're not cute.

4) Highlight of the night. In Shuzhen's car.
Chris: Shuzhen, I'm not interested in you. What do you feel about that?
Shuzhen (VERY happily): I'm so ecstatic.
Rest of car(Jason and me): HAHAHAHA!

Sunday was the Stanford Gathering at Dexian's place. Not bad, gotta see some of the old people again, and the new people going to Stanford. I think some of them look extremely dorky. =) I know that's mean, but nah.

Taking the bus back, I passed by two places in Singapore which are very unique in some way. Little India and Geylang. I have always remarked that Geylang is one place in Singapore that still looks like a 3rd world country. Little India is definitely another place like that. Being Sunday, there were HORDES of Indians just on the streets walking and hanging out. It's kinda creepy seeing so many Indians in one place. It definitely reminds me of my 4 weeks in India. They were just chilling, mingling around and being on the streets. I know I'm kinda racist against Indians, especially after my trip to India, even though I try hard to put that out of my mind. Little India is definitely the manifestation of India in Singapore. But it's a lot cleaner, a lot safer. I think because I'm either used to being in crowded places with lots of Asians, or with lots of white people, being in a crowded place with lots of Indians or Black people kinda scare me, or make me uneasy. However, one thing I am happy about is the way the sterilization of Singapore hasn't make this place lose its charm. I would be very appalled to see Little India turn into the Chinatown now. Oooh, euuuuuhhh...

Screwups with CMPB

2005-08-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

So, CMPB will get my vote for most inefficient organization EVER. Why? Coz I got screwed over by the inefficiency. As many of you know, I've to go back into National Service. To do so, I need to have a medical status, so that I can be posted to the right department. I had my medical checkup the week I was back in Singapore, early July, probably the 13th or 14th. They said that they will need my medical records from the Singapore General Hospital, because of a training injury sustained 4 years ago. So, they gave me 3 months of PES D, a temporary, useless medical status, meaning that I still cannot enlist. CMPB said that they will request my medical records from SGH and give me a PES status. The medical records will usually take 3 weeks.

I went back for another medical checkup on my eyesight on the 28th of July. I asked them about the medical records. It wasn't in from SGH yet. Since it has only been 2 weeks then, I wasn't too worried.

Time past. Lots of time. And nothing has happened. So I gave a call to the PES status office for re-enlistees last week, the 12th of August. So, that's 4 weeks already. And they told me that the records was still not in from SGH! Wow. Ok, that really sucks. The person manning the desk said that he'll check through and help me with moving things along.

Today, 18th of August. I get a call at 9.30 in the morning from the PES status office. They told me that SGH does not have my medical records from 4 years ago. I was like, "WTF mate!" That's not possible. The guy gave me the SGH number and I called SGH. The lady who picked up gave it a check, and they HAVE my records. And she asked me when did CMPB ask for the records. I said, probably around 4 weeks ago. And do you know what the answer was? "There was no request from CMPB about your medical records!" SONAVABITCH!! So CMPB was the one that didn't send in the request! And they tried covering it up saying that SGH didn't have my records?

So I called CMPB back. And told them what SGH said. They checked it and told me that the request went out 2 weeks ago. I don't know what the f*** is happening. The guy at CMPB spoke to SGH immediately and requested for my files. And it will take 2 long weeks to get my records from SGH to CMPB, because it is in microfilm.

At this point, I was fuming mad. Instead of putting in the request for my records early, it took CMPB 3 weeks to put the request in. And nothing happened for another 2 weeks. Now, I have to wait for another 2 weeks for the records to get to CMPB, another week or so for my medical status to be determined, probably another 3-4 weeks before I will enlist. That makes the entire thing 12 weeks long. 3 f***ing months! I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask for time to be sitting on my ass for 3 long months, when I can be serving out this stupid National Service and then getting it over with! I can't bitch enough. How much of my time must CMPB waste? It is completely inefficient.

But, I didn't blow up in their face. I just told them to keep me posted on the medical records thing. I'll be calling them early next week to check up on them. And call them every two days to make sure things are moving. You know what? This reminds me of John Stockdale. Nothing moves. My blood is boiling when I write this. My aim? To be out of National Service before my 25th birthday on August 3rd 2007. Damn that stupid CMPB.

Short update on life

2005-08-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

Haven't been doing too much lately, since that "fantastic day". Just been staying at home, reading and putting together my Freedom Gundam model that my Stanford friends got me for my bday. It's not done yet, basically coz I'm taking my time, doing a little, then doing something else. This is mostly what's happening to me during the early days of a week. Sunday and Monday are really chill days. Nothing to do. Time is spent reading or just playing computer games or watching movies on my computer. Tuesday onwards is more exciting. Frisbee goes on on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. That takes up lots of my energy and time, both the game and the hanging out after that.

Met up with old friends again on Tuesday. Phinehas and Zhongwen, both 2 years and 1 year older than me, from RJC. I know Phinehas through dance and Zhongwen through Mark Lim and the other older canoeists. They were playing frisbee too on Tuesday. After frisbee, we went to Cafe Iguana for Margaritas. It's half price before 9pm, and half price from midnight till close. So, we paid only $15 for 2 jugs of Margaritas and tortilla chips. That's cheap for Singapore. Then I went to watch Bewitched with Joanne. It's not such a good movie. Parts of it was kinda boring, and there wasn't any real climax and anything particularly striking about the movie. So, it was just an eye-candy for 2 hours.

Today was frisbee again. Jason came to play too, even with his "broken knee". Met Fengyuan too. So it's really cool to see old friends again in a new situation, where we all share the same interest. Dinner was as usual, with the frisbee people at Holland Village.

Joyce shared an interesting fact about her brother's, Seiwei's, GIC friends. That she didn't really like them from the interacting at Steph's farewell party. She thought that the GIC scholars seem pretty pretentious and lived in another world. So, she said that she wouldn't ever think of hanging out with them, even if her brother was there. Hmm. I'm more at ease with people of nearly all backgrounds, so I don't have the same concerns as her. But it's an interesting thought about how the normal Singaporeans view the "scholars" and those that have gone overseas. Often with some sort of contempt, that the scholars are so pampered, or that they are just "inhuman" (Meaning that they have done things that are way above normal understanding).

I am a pretty arrogant person too, very prideful about my accomplishments. I know I rub off people the wrong way sometimes. But I am very sure that most scholars want to be part of the system again. They don't want to be different, or seen as completely different from the others. The scholars are here to serve the nation for everyone! Granted that a lot of our mannerisms come from where we were the past years (people change, you know!), we aren't malicious or condescending of people. Respect for everyone is still important. I would be just as pissed off with scholars being condescending of others. But, yeah, some scholars just rub off on others the wrong way. It's a tight rope to walk, between blending in and being different.

One fantastic day

2005-08-14T01:04:00.000-07:00

So, what does it mean for me to have a fantastic day? Yesterday was a fantastic day.

I woke up early to tutor math and science to two kids. That my main source of income now, paying me $30 and hour. So, that took around 3 hours, plus transport to and fro, plus talking to the mom about her kids' progress. The time will be lengthened to 4 hours, making it $120 everytime I go to their place to tutor for 4 hours. Not bad, as that will be better than my allowance in the army.

After that, I headed home to change into beachwear. Seiwei and his friends from GIC (Government Investment Corporation of Singapore) were going to Siloso Beach in Sentosa for the afternoon till the night. He asked to come along, and I said, "Of course!" So, after changing, I left for Sentosa, getting picked up outside Harbourfront, then straight to the beach. The weather was amazing, bright, sunny and hot, just the way you like weather to be. They had packed sandwiches and a bunch of other titbits to eat. We found a spot behind some large rocks and under some trees for shade. It was such a chill afternoon, swimming, chatting, singing songs to the guitar, reading and playing frisbee.

I got to meet new friends. Desmond, I already knew from Steph's farewell party. I also met another Steph (law student from Cambridge), Jeremy (finance student from Penn), Nicole (another college student), and Jinn. All of them are current scholars or working with GIC. It was really fun getting to know all of them, talking about our experiences overseas, what we were doing now, and what we figured would be in tune for us in the future. The girls were all really cute. No arguments about that. Jinn was actually from RJC, S02A, 2 years before I was. Her CT was also Ms Lim Puay Miao, and it was funny talking about our times in RJC. The other 4 were Malaysians, and had very different experiences from Seiwei and me, although Jeremy was in RJC 1 year after me, in S01. He know David Han, and Justin, both canoeists like me. After hanging out at the beach, we all took a walk just as the sun was setting, to KM8, a club at Tanjong Beach. It was quite far down along the beach from Siloso Beach, but it didn't feel long at all, since we were all young and excited about having spent a chill day at the beach.

At KM8, we ordered drinks and sat around to talk. I remembered Steph talking about not having any roots in Singapore, unlike the other few Malaysians, and was wondering how to meet other friends in Singapore rather than just workmates. I told her about my own fears of not being able to meet people either, although those fears have been pushed back very fast, now that I've been very active meeting people at activities. We had some fruity cocktail drink in a jug. It was pretty good, except that there was so much ice in the jug that there wasn't much alcohol at all. There was a jacuzzi there, but they only allowed "Ladies or Couples" to use it. So when Steph and Seiwei went into the jacuzzi, it was fine, but when Jeremy and I wanted to join in, we were denied. We had half a mind to say that we were a gay couple, but somehow, didn't.

After chatting for a long time, we got changed and went for dinner. Now, since most of these friends were Malaysian, they had never been to Geylang, and really wanted to eat chilli crab for dinner. So I took them to No Signboard Seafood outside my house in Geylang. The food was really good, and they all enjoyed themselves a lot. The white bread soaked in chilli crab sauce was amazing. Apparently, Nicole loves eating carbohydrates but looking at her good figure, you'll never realise it. Jeremy scooped up the sauce and ate it without anything, which is how good it is. After dinner, I took them on a walking tour of Geylang. They wanted to see what it is to be in the red-light district. The Malaysians commented that it was a lot like Kuala Lumpur and Penang. I agree too. Geylang has the raw, unpolished look of a 3rd world country, but also the charm of it too. It's not sterilized like most of the other parts of Singapore. Living here is kinda cool, meaning that I have food till the wee hours of the morning.

After the walk, Seiwei took them home, and my day ended. Not before we decided that we were going to go roller-blading next week and hang out again. It was a fantastic day. Good, chill activities at the beach. Great new friends, new experiences to share. Good food and dinner. Good conversations. Exciting, relaxing day. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend Saturday. I love meeting new people, who love to share in what they do. I think the GIC scholars are all really cool people. And the fact that the Malaysians have a different growing up experience from me makes it all the more exciting. Friends make all the difference in life!

Tuition

2005-08-11T22:07:00.000-07:00

So, I found out what happened for tuition. Apparently, my student terminated my service with the agency. The agency asked him to contact me about it too, but he didn't, therefore the wasted trip. The reason for termination? He wanted model answers for A level essays, but I could only provide model answers for Prelim essays. So bullshit isn't it? Basically, he photocopied all the essays and notes that he needed from me, and then said goodbye. The agency took his reason, but I don't buy it at all. Whatever, I just need my notes and the essays back from him. I'm pissed that such people have no sense of responsibility in terms of informing people when not to meet, or when you have already stopped the service. Man, makes my blood boil sometimes. Now, he's not returning my calls, because I think he's afraid to see me. Serangoon Junior College...sigh. I'm so tempted to make a snipe at the type of people some of these JCs churn out, but I won't.

Stanford Talk at RJC and Problems at Tutoring

2005-08-11T05:27:00.000-07:00

Went back to RJC today to give a talk to the students about Stanford. Went pretty well, with Jason, Joan and Scott (Phi Psi brother). The kids are getting more and more shy. No one really asks questions anymore. They talk among themselves, laugh and joke a little, but none are really confident about asking questions about the school, or life overseas. Hmmm, I think that it's high time Singapore school kids become more outspoken, less self conscious. I suppose I can't really blame them. I am still pretty self conscious, but the States has made me speak out more and more. Anyway, I think it all went well, with a few kids staying back to ask us questions. Most of them wanted to know about the admissions criteria, and a little about the life there. Telling them about it gives me pangs :) I know how much I want to be back there.

Tuition was a disaster. Why? My student wasn't home. I spent an hour getting to his house, and he was out. According to his mom, he's out with friends. I was pissed. The next time this happens, I'm going to have to charge him for transport fees and time lost. He'll probably move the tuition to tomorrow. I need to prepare for Saturday's tuition. Sigh. Kids nowadays, no sense of responsibility.

Frisbee and thoughts on differences

2005-08-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

The frisbee game today went pretty well. I learnt a lot again. I was really tired, mainly because I'm still so unfit. One of the person quoted me this. "A veteran player once said, 'You get fit to play frisbee, not play frisbee to get fit.'" I'm doing the latter, because that's what I'm trying to do, get fit. Once I get better and better at playing, it'll probably end up being the former. I met more people, like Raphael who helped explain more strategy and playing techniques to me. I need to work on my throwing. It REALLY sucks. Then there's Edgar, I think, who commented that his sister went to Stanford too, 10 years before I did. Met Nick again, who plays at the Muddy Grass pickup too. And more people. Looks like I'll probably add Tuesday to my list of pickup games to go to.

Many of the people there asked me whether I was local. I have been getting that question a lot. Not surprising, considering I don't try to fit in, I just do whatever I feel like doing. I still speak differently, think differently, dress differently. I feel good being different.

When I was younger, I was afraid to be different, and wanted to fit in. I didn't fit in, and felt bad because of it, being teased a lot about being different and not part of a group. Now, after being to Stanford, I no longer care too much about fitting in. The Bay Area, Stanford and Phi Psi celebrates differences just as much as similarities. When you're different, your skills are different, and you can contribute in different ways. Different people make life more interesting. If everyone does the same thing, how boring is that? Once you have a basic similarity with some people, look for how they differ from you. Learn from it, enjoy it, that they have different hobbies. Let them show it to you, show you their world. Then show them your world, and let them learn from it too. It's amazing. I'm going to try to see Singapore through my own eyes, the eyes of the true blue Singaporeans who play frisbee, and also through the eyes of the foreigners too.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy being similar to people. My closest friends, like David, Jason, Schwartz, Danger, Guohao, Danny, etc, all have similar traits to me. I enjoy being able to share time with them, doing things we all enjoy. But they also think differently from me. David is extremely meticulous and a born leader, Jason way better at adminstrative and organization than I am, Schwartz being able to manipulate a computer better than I can dance, Danger being the literary guy, Guohao being the medical person and Danny the amazing baseball player. So different, yet the same values in many ways. All good friends and people I call brothers.

What did Phi Psi teach me? We come from all over the world, and believe different things. But we are all brothers, a common bond of fraternity, gentlemenly values, and responsibility to each other. We argue a lot about our differences, and our differences have led us to lots of arguments. But we learn from all these things and that's what's amazing about it. Our differences and our willingness to embrace them.

So, in conclusion, I'm happy to be different. Not just another person in the works, but uniquely different. Yeah!!!

National Day

2005-08-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today's Singapore's 40th birthday. 40 years since independence. Something to be proud of. A small nation like us, surviving and flourishing for 40 years. It hasn't been easy. So many things could go wrong, but the nation as a whole has pulled through. Lots of thanks to the wise leaders we have and all those who gave their blood, sweat, toil and tears for the land.

I didn't watch the parade. I was playing ultimate frisbee at Clarke Quay. However, it had a great view of the fly-bys of the F-16s, the commandos doing their parachuting and the National flag flown across the sky underneath a Chinook. We would stop the game to watch the aerial shows. There's always this tinge and a shiver of pride running through my body, to see how everyone is so enthusiastic about the country's birthday and how proud it is to be a Singaporean. Even though most of the time, I complain wanting to be elsewhere, that Singapore is too stifling, August 9th is always a time when I feel that I have something to be proud of, being Singaporean, even a crazy, studious, not too well blended in Singaporean. Same tinge happened when I saw the tanks and other vehicles drive by when I was walking to City Hall. The soldiers were waving at the passerbys, who all waved back and there was festivity and pride in the air. Even though I know it's just the occasion, and not necessarily how people usually feel, it's nice to get the tinge of pride once in a while.

Celebrations of all kinds

2005-08-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well, so I went out with some of my close friends to celebrate my birthday on Saturday. Just some of the Stanford people, plus Joanne from dance. We arranged to meet at 6.30pm at City Hall, and going to Suntec to eat. We ended up eating at an international buffet at Suntec City Convention Center, because some of the guys wanted buffets. You can guess how large their appetite are. The decor was really nice and cosy. We were initially seated at a large 10 person table, but there were this cosy cushioned counters, with the sofas on three sides, and opened only on one side. It seems to fit around 6 people, but being crazy Stanford students, we somehow decided that it'll be fun to all squeeze in tight around this small, cosy looking counter. So we did. It wasn't too tight, with still enough space, although we needed to clear our plate pretty quickly to make space for everyone's food. The food was not too bad, but not impressive. The dessert, however, was actually much more interesting, and way better. Durian cream puffs, with real durian paste, kuah lapis (Thousand Layer Cake), lots of fresh fruits, and chocolate cake made a good round up for the dinner.

Shuzhen has her birthday one day after mine, 4th of August, so it was kinda like a double celebration. The guys got her a pair of earrings while they got me a Gundam Seed model of Freedom Gundam. I always wanted one, but was always too cheap to get myself one. But somehow, they made a gamble that I'll like it and bought it for me. It was definitely a good gift. I'm going to put it together and paint it sometime this weekend. We spent most of dinner catching up with the latest news and gossip, and talking about old times. After dinner, some of the people left for other parties, leaving Shuzhen, Zhihao, Jason, Hon Mun, Chris and me. We wanted to go get some coffee, but the entire Marina area was packed because of National Day rehearsals. Everyone was there, and there was no space to sit to get coffee. We ended up sitting at the Esplanade, talking and chatting, before leaving around 11pm.

Oh, the air-conditioning there is amazing. Very cold and very soothing. Have to try it out.

Today, had dinner with Tanya at Crystal Jade at Suntec. She just started work at IDA, which is located at Suntec Tower Three. She's been ill for the past weeks, with dengue fever and other stuff. What a way for Singapore to receive her after being away for so long. We chatted about her job, what I was doing, how she felt being back and what plans she had for the future. Many unknowns, which we'll take strides to solve. She then went to watch "Bewitched" with Harold, while I left for Marina Bay to meet up with the other Stanford guys.

Why the Stanford guys again? Coz we were going to Marina Bay to do the countdown for Singapore's 40th birthday. There were lots of fireworks, different singers performing on stage for a huge crowd. The singers were like Tanya Chua, 183 Club, and some other up and coming Taiwanese pop stars, along with the winner of Singapore Idol. The guest of honor was PM Lee Hsien Loong, and Minister of Defence Teo Chee Hien. We stood around, listening to the performances and waiting for the fireworks. The fireworks were okay, choreographed to old National Day celebration songs played by the Singapore Chinese Orchestra. It wasn't very impressive, given that no one really cares about how well it fits with the music, but rather how bright and varied the fireworks are. So, for most of the 15 minutes which the fireworks went on, it was rather boring, and only at 2 points in the middle and the last finale part which was pretty impressive. I've seen so many firework displays that it has to be at least a dazzling sight in order for it to be anywhere close to good.

After the fireworks, everyone started leaving, so we went out for porridge in Chinatown. We'll be watching more fireworks tomorrow, but not before I get another game of ultimate frisbee pickup at Clarke Quay.

Take my breath away!

2005-08-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

Was talking to AJ about his long hike to Thunderbolt Peak. It took him over 28 hours to do the entire climb. He showed me some of his pictures over the internet. Let's just say, the view was breath-taking. Sitting on top of the mountain, over 14000 ft, looking at the world around you, at your feet. I can hardly describe how I feel, looking at a picture of something like that, knowing that a brother has climbed it and has been there. I am happy for him, that he's living life fully. And of course, I'm envious.

I miss getting my breath taken away. Getting blown away by magnificent scenes, after tiring long climbs. I miss seeing new and beautiful places. I remember the sights that I saw when I went mountain biking with David off Skyline Boulevard. All these beautiful sights and scenes. Here in Singapore? None. Maybe coz I've been here in the concrete jungle for too long. This place is just too familiar. There is nothing here that can blow me away like anything else I've seen back at the States. Some places come close. Like the area behind the Esplanade, next to the river and looking at the skyline of Raffles Place. Like the sight from a tower at Macritchie Reservoir, looking out at the reservoir and the trees around. Close, but not quite.

Nearly everything now leaves an itch in me. An itch to be free again. To meet the crazy brothers and friends I have, who will bring me to do things that they are passionate about, and will share with others. With David, it's mountain biking, archery. AJ, climbing. Schwartz, water-skiing. Other guys, sports. It makes life so much more fulfilling. I am willing to do anything and everything, but often don't have a clue, or just have too much inertia to move on it.

But with friends. The best friends take me out of my comfort zone, put me somewhere I am willing to challenge myself, physically and mentally. Only with friends like that, will life always be exciting and on the edge. I want to maintain that itch, because it'll keep me on my toes, so that I will always be ready for my next challenge. Frisbee is my current challenge. I'll let that take me as far as I can go. Then I'll be ready for the next one in line.

Birthday!

2005-08-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it's my birthday today. My 23rd. Wow, somehow, that's a scary thought. 23, and not even working yet, going into NS, so much of life not done or experienced. Yes, I know 23 is really young. I feel young and energetic, knowing that there's a long life ahead of me. But I look back at my life and it's been a really fast 23 years. I did a lot, but... somehow I don't think I did enough. Why not? I spent nearly all my time being involved in activities, school, friends, brotherhood, and so mcuh more. Lots of people envy the life I have had and would give lots to have it now. It's not that I'm not satisfied with life. It's just that in my personality, I just can't be satisfied. I'm not satisfied with my life now, not satisfied with being here, with nearly every aspect of my life. I always want to find more, do more, be involved in more. I want more and more out of life. Maybe that's a good thing. We only have a limited time in life. We need to squeeze as much out of it as possible.

Other things that happened today. Went to see the lawyer with my parents to resolve an issue with our neighbour. They are suing us for encroachment of our wall. Stupid neighbours. We built the wall as a common wall, for both of our families, and the father of the neighbours agreed to it 20 years ago when the wall was built. Now, the father passed away and the sons want us to tear the wall down because it is 3 inches on their land. Since it's a common wall, the wall should straddle both sides anyway. The court might dismiss the case just because it's so trivial and they will have to pay our lawyer fees. Sigh, hopefully things go right.

Played pickup ultimate frisbee today. Very tired again, running like a stupid maniac. But I'm getting the hang of the game, being able to cut and move in the right directions and formations. Making the right decisions. I still need to work on more gameplay and ESPECIALLY my throwing. Unless I can throw more accurately, I'm kinda screwing my team. Oh, and I bought cleats, which actually means that I can stop and change direction, rather than just get caught flat footed.

Ahhh, more tutoring for the rest of the week to get some more money!

And thanks for all those people that SMS or IMed me to wish me Happy Birthday!

Aching all over

2005-07-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't ran for such a long time. As in running for sports. Frisbee yesterday was AMAZING! So, I went down around 2.00pm to look at Muddy Grass (one of the clubs) train. Joyce helped me with practicing my forehand and also explained the tactics to me. I didn't get the train with the club, because they were running set plays, but I got to do the Albert Beer Challenge (ABC). I realised that Albert, one of the first few members of Muddy Grass, was actually my classmate in primary school and we have known each other for forever, practically. He's leaving for Amsterdam for an exchange program next Sunday. And also, I know a lot more people in the group than I think. Old friends from RJC, and even from RI. The ABC is a pickup game with beer involved. Everytime your team scores, all of you have to drink. Then the game goes on. We finished an entire keg. Which meant that we ran out of alcohol halfway through.

I was running up and down the field, diving, laying out, jumping for the frisbee. I sprinted through the mud, got absolutely muddy and slimy. Over 5 hours out on the NUS field, running my heart out. I have all my wounds, and bruises to show for it too, and my muscles are aching all over. I got hit in the nose by a frisbee because I didn't catch it in time to save my face. So my nose hurts too. =) But all in all, I had a wonderful time, breathing hard after the sprints, throwing the frisbee and making new friends. I'm going to be doing my pickup frisbee to get to know the people even better. Hopefully, they'll ask me to join the club soon. I need to go buy cleats, so that my new sports shoes don't die in the mud. After all that frisbee, we went for dinner at a seafood restaurant. The food was so good. Food never taste better than after sports, a good shower and good company.

Once that was done, I went over to Guohao's place. He left for Cambridge today, to continue with his studies and his research. The tables are now turned. For the past years, he has always been the one sending me off at the airport when I left for Stanford. Now, I'm done and it's my turn to send him off. Seeing the airport brings back so many memories, of leaving, of being overseas, of college, of leading my own life, of independence and freedom. I couldn't help feeling a pange and an ache in my heart, wanting to be in America, running around, living a good life instead of being back here. I have changed so much since 4 years ago. Singapore just doesn't feel like home anymore. Guohao asked me to visit him in the UK when I can. I will, in another few years, since he's going to be there for quite some time. Maybe even after I'm done with my bond.

I'll miss Guohao. We have been friends for so long, and everytime summer comes along, we hang out and chill all the time. Now, it'll be another year before I'll see him. Probably a short one for him, a long year for me.

Happening!

2005-07-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Went clubbing in Singapore for the 3rd time in my life yesterday, with Scott. He's leaving for Hong Kong today, so he wanted to go check out the clubbing scene. Now, I'm not too much of a clubbing person, unless I have friends going. But I didn't want to disappoint him, so we went. Of course, the clubbing idea got much better after a few drinks. =)

We went to Zouk, getting in before 10pm, so that tickets will be cheaper. It was already very crowded, because there was a DJ Quest competition. The DJs were pretty good, playing very cool and funky stuff. Scott went around talking to random people, getting numbers. Somehow, he ended up dancing with this girl. More like, he ended up grinding and making out with this girl on the dance floor. I was like, "Wow, it's like back in the States for him!" It's amazing being so outgoing and so confident about yourself that it doesn't matter where you are, you can still chat with people. I'm still a little reluctant to do that, relying often on alcohol to break barriers. Sigh, maybe it just isn't my thing, meeting people in clubs.

Today, it'll mostly be ultimate frisbee. Some training and some fun games of ultimate. Yeehaaa!

5 and tuition and Motorcycle Diaries

2005-07-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

Chengos coming makes 5 people now. Chengos' phone was whacked, so it took us around 2 hours before we found each other and met up at the Coffee Bean at Takashimaya. We talked about the Phi Psi guys and what has been happening over the past few weeks since I was gone. Chengos brought greetings from my brothers and friends from Stanford. Dave Kale said hi, or actually, more like, "Hi, Tee Sing. I miss you." (in a deep Dave Kale voice.) We're going to be going swing dancing tomorrow, at Swing Fling.

I had my first tutoring session again for a long time. It was teaching Economics for a JC2 student. I forgot how tiring tutoring is. I had to constantly talk and think for 2 hours straight, answering questions and explaining details of economics essays. Some of the stuff, I knew instinctively, and could answer, but others, I had to rack my brains to find answers. All in all, working for money is tough. I need to prepare more fully for the next session, just so that I don't have to fry my brain in 2 hours, but slowly steam it over a period of a week.

So, in order to get over the first day of tutoring, I went out for dinner and a drink with Scott. I downed some beer, not enough to get drunk, just enough to get a little tipsy. I miss the hard drinking sessions and movie drinking games with the guys. Looks like I have to find the people to do that again.

Yesterday, I went with Shuzhen and Scott to watch Motorcycle Diaries at the Art House. The Art House is actually the old Parliament House, converted into a small theatre for artistic movies. The setting is actually really nice, a small theatre bathed in green light, for around 120 people. It had a really classy setting, and pretty cosy too. It's like a classy theatre for a classy date. Probably a good place to have a nice date after a good dinner, watching an artistic movie instead of a normal blockbuster type. The movie itself was really thought-provoking. I liked it for its realism, and the feelings it invokes in you. I also felt that it was the type of movie that I'll watch at Stanford and in the US, but it seems kinda out of place in Singapore. Well, at least I can still watch movies like that here. So I'm going to make an effort to do that more often.

Ultimate Frisbee and Tutoring

2005-07-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job. I'm going to be tutoring a 12th grader and preparing him for his Economics A levels at the end of this year. I think it'll be tough, coz he's making tough demands on getting model essays, notes and stuff. I need to revise all my old notes and relearn the stuff that I have forgotten. Somehow, the Singapore education system fosters memorization for examinations, and once the examinations are over, most of the information leaked out of my head. Time to put them back into my head so that I can teach and get some money. First class is tomorrow. I had to head back to my junior college, RJC, to meet some of my old economics teachers and ask them for some help. I also found some of the good essays online, so that's great.

I played ultimate frisbee with Seiwei, his sister and lots of other friends. It's a game of pickup frisbee, hosted weekly by the Singapore Ultimate Association. I had lots of fun, running and getting my exercise. I feel like a dog too, jumping after flying objects. I'm seriously considering this as my next sport, so that I can keep fit and meet new people. All I need to get now is a pair of cleats, plus start practising to throw forehand. Maybe if I train hard enough, I MIGHT be able to attend the Singapore Open this year. Most probably next year.

I bought a new computer. My old one is dying. It's coming in 2 days, and I'm excited. Finally, a good computer to do my gaming! Woohoo!

4 friends, a wedding and a farewell party

2005-07-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

So, the count is now 4. Scott Chanatry, a Phi Psi brother is here to visit Singapore and me. He'll be here till the 2nd of August, before going to Chiang Mai in Thailand and then around the region. I envision that it'll be fun hanging out and visiting places with him.

I attended Waiyan's and Larissa's wedding today. It was held at the Singapore Zoo, which is a very new thing. Who has their wedding at the zoo? But it was very pleasant and very different. We had cute little soft toys as gifts. It's kinda scary to see friends get married. It's like thinking, hmmmm, when will be my turn? I don't even want to think about it. But the getting together with friends part is cool. I met an old acquaintance from back in 10th grade, Ann-Marie. She was a year older, but we knew each other in air rifle. We talked about what we did for the past years, chatted a little about mutual friends. Might try to catch up with her again later on.

Then I went for a farewell party for Steph, Seiwei's girlfriend. She's going back to Stanford to do the STEP program. Both of them are kinda sad that they have to live apart for a while. But they are pretty committed and are making the effort to stay connected. I also met up with new people, lik Seiwei's work mates, Andrew Tan (in GIC) and others. Scott was with me and he had a good time meeting new people too. Seiwei's sister, Joyce talked to me about playing ultimate frisbee. I have been thinking of doing that, so I'll going to go play tomorrow.

Running at Botanical Gardens and Fruit Party

2005-07-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

My friend took me running yesterday. Isaac and I were supposed to go for breakfast, because I needed to sign something for my insurance forms. He called me around 7.30 in the morning, and asked if I wanted to go running before breakfast. Although I had only 3 hours of sleep the night before, I said why not. So he came to pick me up, and drove to the Botanical Gardens. He wanted to do it as a way of "repaying" the favor of me trying to convince him to be spontaneous in life.

Isaac runs there 3 times a week. To get out of the huge rat race that Singapore is. It's beautiful in the gardens, not too many people in the morning, nice greenery, far away from the ever present hustle and bustle. I liked it too. It's quiet enough to give me the space that I need to stay sane. It's a place that reminds me that Singapore still has a few places that can cater to my need of space and peace. A place to help me transition back to this crazy place. We ran around the garden, and talked about our lives, catching up with what happened the past year. Breakfast was at the NIE canteen. It was cheap and tasty. 2 Roti Pratas, 2 Eggs, toast, Milo, a typical Singaporean breakfast. It's good that most foods are cheap in Singapore. Breakfast has always been a cheap meal.

In the afternoon, I went to watch "The Island" with Guohao. We did our basic chatting and talking about life as usual. He'll only be back to 2 weeks this time, and has to go back to Cambridge next week to continue on his research on genetic stuff. I still need to beat him in Dota somehow before he leaves. "The Island" was pretty good. Interesting, with lots of ethical and moral questions about cloning for medical reasons.

At night, the Stanford people got together near my place for dinner and fruits. We went for dinner at "No Signboard Seafood". The seafood is really yummy there. We then bought durians, mangos, longans, dragon fruit, plums, rambutan-like fruits and went to Shuzhen's place to eat them. It was Jason, Chee Hau, Hon Mun, Chris, Joan, Shuzhen and me. Deyao and Melissa joined us later. It's the second fruit party that we had already. The topic of conversation? National Service, and our government bond.

Deyao is already working in the Ministry of Finance, and he was telling us about his first 2 weeks there. He told us to ask lots of questions about our ministry before making any decisions on them. Apparently, he said that a lot of the information is kept from us, shrouded in mystery, like the different pay in the different ministry and other important considerations. I think that's a horrible way to treat the scholars, to hide information from them, to try to "fool" them into joining a certain ministry. I think things should be more transparent. We want to be part of the system, not have to be lured into it. I'll go look into this more deeply first and find concrete evidence and ask the questions I need before making any decisions or further comments.

RJC is really ugly! All because of CPG.

2005-07-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

Actually, it isn't so much that my high school, Raffles Junior College, is ugly, but rather that it is designed very poorly. I went back with Jason to visit my teachers from RJC. RJ moved from it's old campus in Buona Vista to Bishan. It has a new campus, just built less than a year ago.

And it is horribly built. The space between the buildings is not well utilized, the landscaping really sucks, and the hall is slanted outwards, making it really disorientating. There are little "chat rooms" which also look really squeezed out of nowhere, even though there is a lot of corridor space everywhere. And there are parts of the school, that lead to nowhere.

Not just that, but Singapore rains A LOT. The architect obviously forgot that fact. The staircases look like mini-waterfalls, with water cascading over all of them. Even the indoor ones are flooded. On top of that, there is little or no shelter walking from certain parts of the school to another. That means, if you need to get there when it's raining, you HAVE to get wet. Which was exactly what happened, because it was pouring like crazy. The entrance to the staff room gets soaked by the rain, so teachers will have to get wet getting in and out of the staff room. The classrooms are also soaked on one side because there isn't any rain guards above the windows to keep the rain out.

Apparently, the school is designed by CGP Corporation. Remind me never to give any of my contracts to them. Like one of the teachers said, "It looks good on the outside, that's what they care about. It's complete impractical everywhere else." None of the teachers had anything good to say about the design of the school. If even a person like me can see how bad the designing is, the architect should be fired for the absolutely shoddy job they did. Maybe I should write in to them about what I think about their designing of the school.

Oh, and now, the students can no longer go into the staff room to visit teachers like what it was. They have to stay outside and make a phone call to the teachers and wait for the teachers to come out of the staff room. That greatly reduced the teacher-student interaction which I so enjoyed back when I was in high school. Sigh, this really sucks. Going back to high school to visit isn't too enjoyable anymore, considering the school feels really impersonal. Luckily, my teachers are all still there, so it's still really fun chatting with them.

Well, looks like I have to live with the fact that my high school is an eye sore. But it still has my teachers in it, so that'll be enough for now. =)

Thwee and counting!

2005-07-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yes! That's 3 friends from the US visiting me. Audrey came by yesterday on an 8 hour layover to Bangalore. I took her, her boss and her co-worker around the island. It was definitely good seeing her again, even though it has only been less than two weeks since we last met. Seeing someone again on the other side of the Pacific Ocean is often a marvelous feat, because the ocean is so huge and it takes so long to fly around it.

Firstly, I took them to City Hall to see the skyline of Singapore. There was the rehearsal for the National Day Parade, so all the tanks, the ATVs, and other vehicles were all driving past. They were pretty excited about seeing all these army vehicles. Quote "For our national day, there's only drunken brawlers. You guys have your nice parades!" After lots of picture taking, we went underground along CityLink Mall, bought bread from BreadTalk, and proceeded to the Esplanade. Behind that is the river mouth, where we saw the skyline of the financial district of Singapore.

We then went to Orchard Road. Somehow, it's kinda weird showing tourists to Orchard Road. There is really NOTHING to do there, unless you want to shop. Or drink coffee. Or watch a movie. The only really fun thing that we saw and did was the Mooncake Festival shops in the middle of Takashimaya Square. Seeing the food, the mooncake and just jostling with the people. Audrey bought some Dragon Beard Candy, which she loves. The others just hung around, looking at the different sights.

That only lasted 3 hours. And that was all that I had planned out. I was definitely hoping that it would take longer. So, after a short rest and much thinking, we went to Chinatown. That was pretty nice although it looked a little fake according to Audrey, as the buildings were all painted different vibrant colours. I thought the place looked very sterile, even though it was more "wild" than the usual polished Singapore. We took a walk around, looking at the different stores. We had dinner there too, giving the three of them a taste of what Singapore food is like.

After that, we took the MRT back to the airport. Audrey's boss and co-workers went through customs first to get to the business class lounge while Audrey and I hung out outside. We had more dinner at one of the food courts. She told me that she would have done more shopping at some of the stores, but didn't want to do that when her boss and co-workers are around. A shame, missing out on good shopping. She'll just have to do some more when she comes back in the airport. She also said that she would liked to have visited other parts of Singapore but there was just no time. We talked, caught up with what we were doing lately. Then time came for her to go. For me, it's sad, sending someone through customs. I don't know when I'll see her again, although she was pretty certain we would. Ah, the optimism of a free spirit. I stood at the customs gate and waited until she was out of sight before leaving.

My two worlds collide everytime someone comes to see me. The US world and the Singapore world. It's really difficult to live in these two worlds, both being extremely different, and one not wanting me to leave. It's a constant struggle to merge both worlds into one within myself.

Audrey and I were talking about the fact that it is not the place that you are in, but the people you are with that is important. I told her that I have way more friends in the US than I have here back home. She then said it was not the number of friends that matter, that even one extremely good one is fine. While I agree to quality over quantity, more friends give you a wider range and view of life. Often, with only one friend, there's only so much you can learn from the person. Then you spend extended amount of time with the person, and both of you become more and more like each other.

For me, I don't think I can necessarily find just one or two people to be friends with and that's it. I do too many things, and want to do many things. My friends have been from different facets of my life. I enjoy the company of some friends when doing some things, and the company of other friends doing other things. That's why I'm picky with people. I need the right person to be with when I'm doing some things. I'm not going to be asking my Singaporean friends to go clubbing. I'll ask my fraternity brothers. I won't ask certain people to go do crazy sports with me, but I will ask others.

David Lu has been the closest person I have come across who can embrace many of the aspects of my life. Andrew Schwartz is another. Dan Grier Roddy, Jason Bay, Clement Zhao, Lie Guohao are four more. My standards are high. I demand a lot from my friends, just as I demand that I give a lot to them. Unconditional demands. How can any one person fulfill that? That's why I think the more good friends, the better it is.

Dance and Pes D

2005-07-15T02:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was KTV day and swing night. 5 Stanford guys going to sing Karaoke at Chinatown. It was great. Funny and enjoyable. I didn't realize I did know a lot of the Chinese songs, even though I've been out of touch with it.

After that, I went to take a look at computers. I want to build my own computer, because my computer now really sucks. I can't even really play any games at all. It might be a nice to learn something. Jason and I are going to build one each, so it'll be fun.
Dinner was at BreadTalk. The bread was amazing. It smells so good out of the oven. And it tastes soooo good too. It's like a new fab in town. The 5th year anniversary of their opening. People love it a lot.

Dance was pretty good. Met up with some old friends, danced and talked a little. Haven't dance for a some time. It's still very different from dancing in the US though. Need to get use to home and dancing here again.

Today, I had my medical checkup for my military. I currently have a status of Pes D for the next 3 months, which is a temporary status. They need to do further checkups on my eyesight and whether it'll affect my service. Also, my back injury will also affect my status and they are requesting my medical records from the Singapore General Hospital. I'll have to wait for probably another few weeks before I can have my actual status and re-enlist myself into camp. Hmmm.

Pretty good day! Pretty bad day!

2005-07-13T04:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day. Because I was with friends. I got up early to go to Macritchie Reservoir for a hike with 4 other Stanford Singaporeans. They were Jason, Chee Hau, Hon Mun and Shuzhen. We wanted to go to the HSBC Treetop walk. It took us about 2-3 hours for the whole walk. It's great hanging out with them. The 4 years together at Stanford has brought us close. Apparently, of the 7 guys, 4 will be heading back into Officer Cadet School, 2 are medically unfit for combat and that leaves me, with my medical checkup this Friday. We'll see how the checkup goes.

The walk was very relaxing. It was really hot and humid in the jungle, but the conversations were fun and lively. We talked about everything, from our future postings in the army, to our trips that we had before we got home. It rained halfway, when we were on the tree top walk itself. The tree top walk is a huge bridge, 25m above the ground. We got a nice view of the top of the jungle, as well as the reservoir. Being up so high reminded me of my mountain biking trip with David back along Skyline Boulevard. The reservoir and the scenery were absolutely unSingaporean like. Except for the tall HDB flats in the distance, everything seemed very different and natural. I was thinking that it was very weird that 5 people will be out hiking on a Tuesday, because I don't think very many Singaporeans will actually do that. Maybe because we're so different after being overseas, that we become tourists in our own country. And also because we enjoy different things from the average person here.

After the hiking trip, we did what ALL Singaporeans love to do. Eat. We ate at Junction 8, at Ajishi Ramen House. The ramen was pretty good, but the sushi was horrible. The salmon was not fresh at all. I had a bad stomachache that night because of it. Chin Lum joined us for lunch after that. He got there late because he sleeps in. He's extremely bored too, just like most of us. We went to watch Fantastic Four after lunch and some shopping around. It was pretty good, lots of eye candy. "Jessica Alba is SO hot!" I mean, Reeds Richards must be blind for not noticing Sue for most of the movie, especially when she's acted by Jessica Alba. As usual, the ending is left open ended, with the HUGE possibility of a sequel.

Dinner was with Clement and Jason. It was great catching up with Clement. Heard him talk about his time at CMU, his new girlfriend, and his life. He was suppose to come visit me at Stanford, but somehow, the timing didn't work and it fell through. Damn. We wanted to head over to his place to drink and hang out, but we were pretty tired. So we're going to do that on Friday night instead, to drink and crash at his place. Hmm, but I gotta make sure I can get up pretty early Sat morning to pick up a friend from the airport who's stopping by before continuing on to Bangalore. I'll be hanging out with Clement and Jason more before I get into the army.

Today, however, wasn't such a good day. I was just not happy I'm home at all. Being in such close proximity with my parents just ticks me off. Their constant attention bugs me, because I just want to be left alone. Then I went to get my medical records from the General Hospital, before I felt so bored with life here.

I took the train to Orchard Road, and sat at a cafe outside Borders to read. After an hour, I was hot, and done with reading. I had my iPod in my ear the whole time, trying to close off the noise that Singapore is constantly filled with. Cars, people, talking, more noise. No such thing as silence. I can't even hear the music from my iPod unless I turn it up to 60% volume, compared to 25% at Stanford. Walking along the streets bug me too. No longer can I just go visit a friend. It's just too far to walk, or take the train and find that they are not in.

I'm not at peace. Not at peace with the world, with my situation, with myself. I want to imagine this all being a dream, or actually, just a nightmare I might wake up from, and realise that I'm back in the Bay Area, waiting for my job to start. But this is reality. My reality. I have to be here for a long time, absolutely no doubt about that. I want to be strong, to enjoy my time here. It's still my life, and I want to enjoy life. But somehow, I can't. I'm forever comparing here with SF, with the Bay Area, with the freedom I had. I'm making myself miserable, by not looking on the bright side of things. I should be making myself happy.

So, this is what I'm going to try to do. Make myself happy with my situation here. I need to draw up a plan that will make me happy that I am here. I gotta start filling in those blanks about how to make myself happy and do it. So that I can say that I did not waste 8 years of my life in Singapore, and that no matter how horrible the situation might be, I still survived and made the most of my life.

Errands day + Learning a few things

2005-07-11T03:12:00.000-07:00

I spent most of the day running around the city doing errands, both at my scholarship office and at the Central Manpower Base (the military base for personnel stuff). I met up with my scholarship officer, Rachel and had lunch with her. We had a good talk about how PSC is doing as a whole and how the scholars are generally doing. Oh, did you know that if you're either a Leo or a Virgo, you can get a free cruise on Star Leo or Star Virgo? Time to go for a cruise!

Rachel told me that she's going through a lot of flak because her west coast scholars are "misbehaving". One was writing racist comments online in his blog from Northwestern and that got onto Straits Times, which became a huge deal. Another was writing bad comments about PSC. Well, all these occurrences remind me of a few things.

One: Singaporeans are among the most racist people I know.
I'm guilty of it too, in some ways, if not in many ways. My American friends have remarked from time to time how racist Singaporeans can be. I understand that Asians in general are very racist people. If you think the white Americans are mean to the black Americans, you should observe how Asian people treat the black people. With complete and utter disdain. I can safely say that few, if any Asians have close black friends. Although I have a few black American friends, I cannot in any way say that they are close friends. However, even if a person is racist, restraint in writing and expression is always a good thing, and an act of maturity.

Two: The World Wide Web is NOT private.
There is nothing private about the World Wide Web. Don't put thoughts and comments that can be turned against you on the web. The lack of privacy has always been a drawback with online blogs, and many friends have remarked that they would not start a blog because of its lack of privacy. Most people are not comfortable with their inner thoughts being read by millions of people. I too know that things you write on a blog, if bad in certain ways, can be used by people against you. I know there are people like that out there, ready to back stab you, finding things that you have written to use against you. I say, be responsible for what you write. Don't assume that people will just glance through it and forget it.

What about me? Have I ever thought about the privacy problem? Well, thing is, I don't really care. I don't have very much to hide in my life. Everything I think, I say, and everything I say, I do. There is nothing in my blog that I am ashamed of sharing. Maybe I'm being extremely arrogant, or overconfident of my ability to withstand possible shit, but thing is, if you live your life well, be mature and responsible, there is nothing to hide. Of course, my candor has gotten me into much trouble in the past. Most people here in Singapore don't appreciate my candor, and I've made many enemies when I'm younger. I realise that candor can polarize the people you know. I'm either well liked or hated. I don't think I've ever been an in-between person.

I think I like the way I am. It makes things so much easier. You don't have to guess at what the person is really thinking. I like candor in peole too. I would rather someone tell me in the face that they don't like me, than to pretend they do and talk behind my back. In Chinese, it's the difference between a "jun zi" (gentleman) and a "xiao ren" (literally, small person). That's one thing I appreciate about America. Most people are candid about what they think. They don't go around in circles trying to make things sound nice. Here, most people sugarcoat things so much that it's hard to know what they really mean. I remember this phrase that I'll adapt, "Stop trying to tell me, and tell me!" (From Morpheus, "Stop trying to hit me, and hit me!")

If you haven't noticed when reading my blogs, I think a lot. And my thoughts go in random directions. I have to keep trying to rename my titles to represent what my content is. But all these thoughts are genuine, and one day, I'll try to put everything together to figure out what type of person I really am, from all these thoughts.

Number 1 and 2!

2005-07-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

Yes! The count is now 2! Count for what? Count of friends or brothers from the US here in Singapore!

I was in the library today reading, when Wesley and Anant V. (both Phi Psis) called me to go for dinner at Old Airport Road. Wesley is Singaporean, so he shouldn't count, but he's a Phi Psi brother, so that counts. He's here doing his summer internship with PSC. Anant is here with ATI, doing his summer internship at the Biopolis. He's having a great time, already having stories of being nearly arrested by a cop and also partying his heart out at the clubs. It's great seeing both of them, plus two more of their friends from ATI. Talking with them about food, about their crazy experiences here, and promising to hang out more as the weeks pass, all makes the average day more bearable.

I know I'm going to get to see a few more friends this summer! I'm keeping count! Yay!

From the library, I also borrowed 14 books to read for the next 3 weeks. 2 are Chinese Sword-fighting novels, 1 is a novel by Anne Rice (she's a crazy writer, always writing about witches, vampires, and another species of humaniods, and incestuous relationships in the South), and a non-fiction called Singapore Inc. That'll keep me pretty occupied for a while, including all the paperwork that I have to deal with for the next week, both for my military service as well as my government.

Walking around the town

2005-07-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

Took a walk around the city today. Just around the shopping district, Orchard Road, and to the comics shop. Everything's pretty much the same as always. The same type of people walking the streets, the same type of shops. Every shopping center looks pretty much the same too. Singapore has such a huge shopping culture, and everyone hangs out there. I remembered thinking, "Hmm, a change in life for a Singaporean must probably be going to a different shopping center next week to do their shopping or their coffee drinking."

I bumped into a few friends during my walkaround. Had a little catch up session. Two of them are scholars, one with the army armor unit, and the other with the navy. They have been back long before I was and started working already. One's going to Australia for the navy exercises on Wed and the army fellow is going to Fort Knox in August. Pretty tough life. But they are probably enjoying themselves there.

I'm cursing the weather. It's so damn hot and so damn humid. I've still got to get use to the weather here before I've to get into the army. It'll be much worse.

Don't think that Singapore is all bad because of what you read here. Most people are really content with living here. I'm just a malcontent, as you'll already know. I see smiling faces, people enjoying themselves, content with what Singapore has given them. I'm happy for them, that they like this place. It's just that what's good for them, isn't good for me.

In a country far, far, away

2005-07-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm back now in Singapore, after a long flight. Flights don't bother me anymore. It's just a long time to sit down, eat, watch movies, listen to music, sleep and think. I didn't actually did much thinking. I was too tired after not sleeping the night before and went straight to sleep on the plane.

But now, I'm back sitting at home. I started thinking the moment I got off the plane. Singapore's a beautiful place. A beautiful SMALL place, a nice resort-like jail. I hate the despair I feel when I get back. It's like hope just drains out of me. Hope of ever going back to the US. Despair.

My parents pick me up. They are happy that I'm back. They ask the usual questions about my flight. Then they asked about my grades and how I compared with the other Singaporeans and why I didn't get any awards etc. What can I say? That I didn't want to study? No. I just didn't want to spend my life studying to get the grades needed to do that. I wanted to do other things and I did. My parents will never understand me. Frustration.

I thought about how I'm stuck in this situation. I may have grown up here in Singapore. But the best times I've had, I've had them in the US, at Stanford. But I have no choice but to come back. I made that choice to accept the scholarship 4 years ago, thinking it wouldn't matter. It does now. Actually, it's unfair to say that I have no choice. I have the choice of breaking my bond, of leaving and never coming back. But that choice isn't a smart one. It's one of desperation and of shortsightedness. I will serve the bond out. But I would like to serve it in a capacity that satisfies me. Still, it doesn't make me feel any less angry that I'm stuck here. For a long time. Anger.

I now truly grasp the situation that my friends aren't here anymore. They aren't a car ride away. They aren't next door to me. They aren't even in the same hemisphere (Eastern Hemisphere, I mean). I'm sad. I nearly cried before taking my shower. Having my family around me isn't enough. My sister is too young to talk to, my parents too fixed in their ways to understand. My few friends here are truly good friends, but they don't encompass the same stuff I enjoyed in the States. I miss my friends already. Sadness.

Why the title? I'm currently in a country far away from where I want to be. Very different, insanely different. Beneath the posh western exterior lies extremely conservative thinking and collectiveness. I want to be my own master, have my own choices, but the government owns me. The next 7-8 years of my life belongs to them, in repayment for money they have spent on me. Kinda like slavery eh? I have to live with my parents, losing the freedom I have nearly taken for granted in Stanford. I want to move out, but do not have the money. I talk to friends about it, even those Singaporeans who have gone to the US. The answer? "Well, the Singaporean culture is different, so you should stay with your parents since you're here." Lockdown.

So what's left to do?

FIGHT!!!

Fight the system. Fight for what I believe in. Fight for my future to choose where I want to be. Fight for seeing my friends again. Fight to establish myself as a credible force in whatever I do.

This is the fight of my life. If I go down, then the system has won. I will be another person in the system, forgetting my lessons out in the States, what I have learnt, what I have lived and breathed. My friends would never see the me that once was. If I win, then I know I can survive no matter what. I will dream. That I will be back. That I will uphold the promises to my friends in the States that I will go back, to live, to work and to celebrate life with them.

I will strive to make that dream real again. I fought for the first 18 years of my life to make the last 4 years a beautiful dream. Now, I will fight for another 8 years to make that dream live again. This time, forever...

(Man, sometimes I can be so dramatic. Well, it's late and I'm tired, so whatever. =) It's kinda like story telling. If it isn't dramatic, who will want to read it?)

I'm leaving on a jet plane

2005-07-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

Last post in the US!!! Leaving!!! Arghhh!!! So much emotions!!!

Craziness!!!

Farewell to everyone

2005-07-07T04:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has come to this. Farewell. It's 4 in the morning of the day I'm leaving the States. I'm due to fly at 1.10pm today. My farewells are said and all done. All my loose ends are tied up and my bags are packed. I'm all ready to leave. Really? I think so. Or maybe not.

I bid my best friend here, David farewell tonight. 3 great years of the best friendships anyone can have. Through the good times, and the bad, through happiness and sorrow. It's hard, just taking the last long hug, and then turning away so that I don't have to see him walk away. No longer can I drive over to talk to him when I'm bored, or sad. No longer can I call him to go hang out or watch a movie together. At least not for a few years. What happens after that, I don't know. We've been through so much together, and now, it's a memory that will just stay with me and hopefully never fades. I want to cry, but instead of tears, I smile. I smile for all the times I had spent with him, and that it's always been great. I don't think I can cry, because just thinking back only brings back wonderful memories. Leaving will only be for a short while. It's not forever. I'll save my tears for more permanent departures.

I said bye to some of my brothers living in Lantana. The times spent together in the fraternity were fabulous times. The joking, laughing, video games, partying, girls, water gun fights, and more, provided me with more entertainment and fun I ever thought possible. Once brothers, always brothers. And I will proudly call Phi Psis my brothers, as they have shaped my life and given me a place I can call my home always.

As I walked back from Lantana, I realised that this is the last night I have in the States. With this realization, the cool air that I've always taken for granted hits me. The ground I walk on becomes special, the stars burn more brightly and I turn around to look at Meyer Library in the distance. With no cars on the street, I walk to the center of the intersection, turning round and taking in the night scene. I love Stanford. Beautiful in the day, more so at night. However, I understood that all these will be here when I get back, and the people may not be. People, my friends, my brothers, made Stanford what it is to me, not just the buildings. The surroundings are amazing, and I'll miss the great weather, the cloudless skies, the rolling hills. I want all that, and I will come back to get it.

Chengos called me before I got home, and I walked back to Lantana. Poor kid, she's so sad to see me leave. She's an amazing girl, with so much energy and affection for the people around her. She has more energy that I can ever imagine and that's great. We talked for a while, about what has happened throughout the year. Can't imagine that we only really met up this year, in Swingtime, and before that in Singapore. She'll be passing by Singapore again later in July and we'll go dancing at Jitterbugs. She asked me what I was thinking about leaving and I told her that I'm not thinking about it. It's too painful to think and I'm happy I'm so tired that I'm not really feeling anything. I'm not sleeping tonight so that I can sleep on the plane and reverse my jetlag. Chengos may be really annoying sometimes (I know you'll read this!), but she has a heart of gold and that's what counts. She wrote me a really nice letter that was overdue from the Swingtime sharing writeup. It's nice to get nice letters from people, to tell you that you mean a lot to them. =)

As much as I say that I'll see people again, I know that I may never see some people again in my life. Life takes all of us in different directions and sometimes, we collide again, and re-establish ties. But often, it takes us to different ends of the world, and we do different things, or timing is not right and we never meet up face to face again. I'm afraid to go there, to think of that. To imagine that the person I just saw, or spent all this time with will not appear in front of me ever again. That's a frightening thought. I'm just going to leave this to when I'm back home and when I'm going to have a horrible temper because I'm home and not here. Thinking now isn't going to help, and thinking later is better. Hmmm.

I don't want to leave. I can so imagine living here, working here and making this home. My best friends are here, the people I trust are here. I really don't have too many friends I care about back home, just the handful whom I'll die to keep in touch with. Other than that, the rest of my schoolmates from high school weren't really my type of people. I know that's unfair to them, and I'm sure I can build new strong friendships. But it's up in the air and I can't see that happening too easily yet. It'll be a challenge. And if you know me well enough, challenges are what I live for.

This would probably be the last entry I'm making from the States. My next entry would most probably be done in Singapore. I'm going to play some Warcraft now, watch the sunrise in the States for the last time, shower, pack and wait for Dave to pick me up. I watch to drive around the Oval one last time before I leave.

All you people out there reading this, come visit me. Take care of yourself and I will take care of myself. I'll see all of you soon. Write me sometime. I'll miss all of you. I will be back. Do not doubt that. I will be back.

Going away party

2005-07-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

I had my going away party yesterday, with a BBQ and invited all my friends here at Stanford. I wanted to see all of them again before I leave. I know I'll miss many of them. I've never had a time in my life when I had as many friends as I have now. Seeing all of them come visit, talk with them, catching up with them, the feeling is amazing. Some of them have yet to graduate, some have and are working. Friends of all different races, different beliefs. They are all from different activities: dancing, kayaking, fraternity, archery, class, international students, dorms, etc. It's so cool.

Even friends whom I didn't think would show up, did. It was definitely surprising to see 2 of them drop by without informing me first. I never thought these two would in a hundred years come by, but they did. Well, at least we caught up for a bit before I left. I think that old things and feelings get left behind when you move on and somehow, it's good that life was made this way.

I promised my friends that I'll be back to visit, in a few years. Hopefully too, I'll be working here and then I can reconnect myself with these friends. Many friends also promised to visit as soon as possible. It'll be such a great feeling to have them come visit me in Singapore. It would be like a breathe of life into a stale atmosphere of the military back home.

I'll miss EVERYONE!!! Come and visit me and I'll show you all a good time!!!

Amazing Fourth of July cont. and the Subject of FEAR

2005-07-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, so I got up today, with my right ankle and left elbow hurting badly. I twisted my ankle and hit my elbow on the water skis when I fell off them yesterday. Although it hurts to walk, and I'm limping a little, it's cool what a little pain can do for you. It's like, "Hey, you're alive, and you're actually hurting because you went out of your way to do something cool and dangerous. That's living a good life!" Maybe I'm a masochist, but I do believe in SOME pain in life making things way more interesting.

The weekend was amazing, if that isn't obvious in the title. Up in Arrowhead Lake, not a cloud in the sky, sunny all day long. We were out in the boat a lot, either waterskiing, or touring the lake, or just going to the village. We would wake up at 6.30am, go waterskiing for a few hours, get back and have breakfast, then go back to bed for a while. We'll then go out hiking or to the village and just hang out before cooking a sumptuous dinner. It's a private lake, so all the boats there belong to people who are living there. There's a small village with lots of cute shops and fun stuff to do. I bought shoes there, coz I needed some. The nights were beautiful too, with all the stars out, and man, were there a LOT of stars!

It's a great way to end my time here. It was relaxing, I took a lot of time off to think about what my life is going to be like and how I want to strive towards how I want my life to be. Seeing Andrew's family was also wonderful, because his family is so close and loving and the parents joking with their children, and seeing the love in the family. Not that I don't know that my parents love my sisters and I a lot, but there is just a lot of tension in the family. I want to build my own family to be loving and caring just the way Andrew's family and Danny's family has shown me. I think in some ways, that's even more important than having the best career or making the most money. Oh, and Andrew's father has the same birthday as I do, which is really surprising too! Another proud Leo who strives hard and lives life with a passion.

FEAR

Other than that, it's great always being able to do new things. I didn't expect to waterski, and I was a little afraid too. I failed miserably wakeboarding and the water rushing into my nose, ears and mouth isn't the most pleasant feeling either. I'm always slightly afraid of new things. New classes, new dangerous activities, new places, new people. But I think I recognize how this fear manifests itself in me, and I can actively combat it. I take everything I fear as a challenge. It's not that I don't panic though. I panicked swimming in the lake, when I was really tired and really far away from the boat. No matter how hard I tried to calm myself, I keep wanting to struggle and paddle harder to get to the boat, which will probably have drowned me. Luckily, Vicky (Andrew's sister) was around and swam beside me, calming me down. Fear is an amazing feeling. It hits you and you don't know what to do, panick and start doing crazy things you wouldn't necessarily do. Mastering your fear takes a lot of effort, and being able to control it to an extent, pushes your comfort zone out, and makes you a more courageous person. I do think I'm brave, but often it's my pride that takes me along, not wanting to fail. I also think of fearing something as a challenge. It means that I have to concentrate on overcoming the fear with my mind.

I want to feel fear. It signals that I'm outside my comfort zone and gives me a chance to do something I wouldn't otherwise do. Bring it on and may I also face my fears with courage.

Amazing Fourth of July

2005-07-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Lake Arrowhead, LA for a trip during the fourth of July. Andrew Schwartz invited a bunch of guys to his lake house, and only Andy, Joel and I showed up. It was an amazing trip, with a great bonding experience and getting to know his family.

We went water skiing too! I never did it before and I was quite frightened the first time I did it. Coz I did some wakeboarding 2 years ago during the Theta Delt rush retreat. Failed miserably then, but now, I can get up on the skis, but would only be able to hang on for a few seconds before something happens and I fall over again.

I'm tired after the long drive back and will update more tomorrow.

Point Reyes

2005-06-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

Went to Point Reyes with Jason, Jeremy and Sheryl. It's a beautiful place, and it was lots of fun hanging out with them. Soon, I'll need to fly many miles just to see such beautiful coastlines again. How sad. I envy all the people who live here, because it's just a short drive away for them, and such a long flight for me.

It's done

2005-06-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

It's done. I've tied up the loose strings. Time to move on in my life and my heart. Waiting for the 9000 miles to take me home, and help me get over her. It's been a long painful 3 months, and while the times together before that was great, it has taken its toil on me.

Next chapter in my life...

Preparations for the future, enjoying the now

2005-06-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

Went to SF yesterday to talk to James Parr, an officer in IE Singapore. I'm trying to get my bond for the government transferred to IE Singapore. They are a statutory board for the government and what they do is really in line with what I want to do too, which is being in touch with the trade and industry development around the world and helping Singapore companies internationalise. It's the direct opposite of the Economic Development Board of Singapore (EDB), which tries to bring companies to Singapore. As a country, we're weaker in expansion abroad, and that's what I want to do. Also, IE Singapore has lots of overseas offices, which I really want to be part of. I'm confident I'm much better out dealing with the experiences overseas rather than in Singapore. The people here are much more interesting too. I'm sure the other scholars are better at dealing with the Singaporean side than I am, but I know I'm better dealing with here than most of them. I'm trying hard to get back here, so we'll see. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Met up with Alicia yesterday too. Took her for dinner at Bucks Restaurant at Woodside. We then went up to Skyline Blvd to see the sunset. She's always been really fun to talk to. We were talking about how our parents didn't understand us, that we were not the same breed of people that grew up in our respective areas. Also about how our parents keep wanting to keep tabs on us, etc. We also talked about her wanting to go to the East Coast to see the sunrise over water, because she's been seeing a lot of sunsets over the California coast. This was what I was saying too, that I wanted to see sunrise over water, because it's the start of the day. Favorite part? She said that if I needed to get back into the country, she'll marry me to help me get a citizenship. I know it's just a joke and she doesn't take marriage too seriously, but it's really sweet to hear that. It's really nice to see her again, and we'll be hanging out more on Tuesday.

Today, it was lunch with Tomas at Apple, and dinner with Meg and Dave at California Pizza Kitchen. Seeing all my friends again before I leave is so cool. I know it'll be sometime before I see them again, but I know they are all rooting for me in life, and I'm rooting for them too. Someday, we'll all be joyful in our respective lives and can meet again to catch up with each other.

Yet at the same time, I'm still frustrated over another friend. She's not returning my IMs, or my calls. She just doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all. I do want to wrap things up, but it's like she's avoiding me like the plague. I'm really sad that even with the times that we had together, she still doesn't seem to care, or bother. Why is it this way? I'm amazed that it's possible for that to happen, that people can come together and then one of them can forget that the other person ever existed in your life. It hurts a lot, knowing that I care deeply about her, but she seems to be willing to just let it fly by, or just ignore it until it goes away. I really want to know what she's thinking about this. I need to say my goodbye to her, and tie things up, or it'll be something that will stay entrenched in me for a long time. I care too much about her to just walk away without seeing her again. It's the last thing I have to do before I leave.

Saying goodbyes, or actually "See you Later!"

2005-06-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

I remember what an old friend from home said to me when I asked her to sign my autograph book after JC2 (12th Grade). "I'm not going to write something and sign it, because that'll be like saying, 'Goodbye and I'll never get to see you again.'" Somehow, that is similar to what I'm going through here.

I'm not saying 'goodbye' to my friends here. I'm saying "See you later." Why? Because I'm going to see them later. How much later, I don't know. But I know I will. Especially the ones I have promised.

I sent off another friend today. Kimberly and I met dancing at Ragtime Ball this year. Since then, we have been hanging out and talking a lot. She's leaving for India tomorrow for an internship and will only be back in August before she starts work in SF. We'll see each other soon, being about in a year or two when I come visit. I know we'll probably talk over IM and catch up anyway. She told me that one of her best friends, she has only seen face to face about 6 times, but talk over email and the phone a lot.

So if that's possible, it's not goodbye, but just "See you later."

The good and the bad

2005-06-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

I spent some time today hanging out with Katrina, a friend and an ME teammate. We had Coldstone Creamery Ice Cream and went for a nice walk around the quad. We then drove up the 280 to Millbrae, then back down the 101. Haven't talked to her for a while, and we talked about our lives, our family and the problems we faced in life. We also talked about Paris and why it's an romantic city. I've been wondering lately why women think that Paris is the most romantic city in the world. I need to go see Paris someday, because I think that being a hopeless romantic myself, I need to see this. It's amazing how easy it is to talk to friends and how they make our lives more interesting, give us a different perspective, as well as be there for us.

After I got back, I called another friend of mine. This one affected me badly instead. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say, and she wouldn't even really talk to me. "How are you?" is always followed by a "Good." Then silence. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much. But because of the history we had, it has since then always been difficult to talk and awkward to hang out. I often wish I could change the past, that I would have been more mature about my decisions and actions. But I can't. I have to live with the consequences instead. I've tried very hard to undo the consequences now. Or at least everything I know. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with it. I don't think she cares, because I'm just another guy she met along the way. In some way, I know that once I leave, I'm just a passing shadow.

The question now is, is what I'm feeling and doing worth it? Should I just turn away and move on with life? Forget what happened, give it up and leave? I may be leaving the country, but that doesn't mean I forget the people here. I want to remember the people who have made impressions on my life. I can do everything I can, but it's probably not going to be worth jack to her. I don't know whether it's worth it. I ask my heart and it sometimes tells me to move on. Other times, I know I'm not a person to just get up and leave.

Maybe I'll just wrap things up before I leave, and let life take its path with us. I'll remember her, try to keep in touch. But if it's going to be one-sided, I suppose my busy lifestyle back home as well as the 9000 miles between us might just help me with getting through this. The world is a funny place. Sometimes, the less you try, the more you might actually succeed. Hmmmm.

Reflections of Mr. and Mrs. Smith

2005-06-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I last really enjoyed time with the guys. Went to paintball at Santa Clara with 6 other of the Phi Psis, David and Sulin. It was good exercise, running around and shooting others. I realised that pushing hard and advancing is the way to win. You can't just hold them off by sitting and shooting. Well, it's like no guts, no glory.

Anyway, spending a day out in the bright sunshine playing paintball has been really enjoyable. It didn't just fill up my day, but enriched it with activities. I love just being outdoors. Need to figure out what else to do. Might go mountain biking or hiking again.

After a tiring day of playing paintball, I got a call from Schwartz, inviting me to his place to dinner (tri-tip and potatoes). How can I say no? It was supposed to be a small dinner with a few brothers, but it ended up that everyone called everyone else and sooooo many people came. Nearly all were brothers, past and present and the NIBS. It was so good to see everyone again, as we laugh our heads off at the brother's antics. I have to get the story of the "escort girls" and the Texas Beta Power Hour story out of Schwartz. Apparently, there was a lot of debauchary that night which Andrew Schwartz, Andrew Wood, Andy Luto are trying to block out. Hmmm, need the juicy stories.

I watched Mr and Mrs. Smith after dinner. That was a good movie. Funny, and in some ways very accurate of the portrayal how people interact. If there isn't any conflict within a relationship, I don't think it will grow and mature. Conflicts can make people understand each other more. However, you also need both sides willing to learn and forgive each other, and also make the effort to bring it together again. It reminds me a lot about a friend (A) from junior year in college and how it took a huge quarrel to finally become good friends again. It took some effort on both our parts to interact and talk and hang out. Although we may not see each other anytime soon, I know we'll be reading each other's blogs and emailing to catch up.

I'm trying to make a huge effort to solve my current problem the same way. However, I'm not sure that this friend will even try. We were close before, but now, we have drifted apart. And I'm not sure whether she'll even care anymore. I hate to lose people this way, from lack of caring, or just blocking people out, even when they try their best. I'll have to see what happens in the next 12 days I have left here.

Another day

2005-06-25T01:11:00.000-07:00

Spent most of the day playing Dota with Jason and Jeremy at Jason's place. Hung out with the brothers at Dan Foley's place, watching Family Guy and then Episode 4 of Star Wars. Sukhjeet was really irritating that he kept talking throughout the movie. I have never seen someone whine or talk as much as Sukhjeet. I love him as a brother, but he needs to grow up.

I'm heading to play paintball with the brothers and friends tomorrow. Haven't played paintball for so long. Should be really fun. Looking forward to it. Need an early night to have the energy to play.

I talked to Sandra today. Haven't seen her for some time. She's doing well, and growing up into someone responsible, both of her own life and also being the captain of the archery team. It's really nice to see people grow up and mature. Reminds me that no matter how old I am, I still have lots to learn and grow.

I'm going to start folding stars. I'm trying to hit 1000 stars before I leave. Hopefully, I can do it before I leave. It's going to be for someone dear.

New book I'm reading

2005-06-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

Amidst all my hanging out, playing golf and playing Warcraft 3, I just bought a new book from Borders. It's call "10 Men", by Alexandra Gray. It somehow caught my eye when I wandered into the literature section. This was also something I usually don't do. I usually just head straight for the comics section to read a random array of comics. But as a break in tradition, I went into the literature section.

The book just sat somewhere at the height of my head, and the cover seemed pretty cool. I thought, "What can a book called "10 Men" say? I picked it up and read the first chapter. It was surprisingly good. It talks about how a woman goes through a series of 10 different men throughout her life, dating or marrying each of them and how none of them really suited her, or allowed her to find the happiness that she sought. I'm still in the beginning chapters of the book, so I'll need to keep reading to figure out more.

It seems really interesting to figure out what goes on in the minds of women, and also how I might even share some common characteristics with some, if not all of these 10 men. Could be a book to lead me into some introspection into my life and how I treat women. Hmmmm.

More to come.

After Mountain Biking

2005-06-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that mountain biking was AMAZING! It's probably the combination of the beautiful surroundings, the exhilaration of going really fast down a rocky slope on a bike and just being outdoors. I can't really describe the feeling totally now, just that it's frightening.

I was afraid on that trail, keeping my brakes on most of the time, just so that I won't go too fast and flip over my bike. I felt fear. It was just so fast. To one side of my bicycle was a steep drop of many hundreds of feet and I definitely didn't want to fall over that. I wanted to be in control, like I have in most of my life. But then I knew that risks in life and the best part of life sometimes come when you let go and just enjoy it. Which I did and the feeling of doing this extremely risky mountain biking and having a good chance of breaking my neck seems extremely rewarding. Can't really live life fully without being close to experiencing the closeness to death eh?

Anyway, once David and I got down the 4 miles do the foot of the mountain, we had to make our way up the 3.3 miles and 1600 feet. However, it was just too steep to actually pedal. So, we had to get off and push the bicycles along for that 3.3 miles. It was tiring and some of the slopes were actually greater than 45 degrees. Ouch. Luckily, we weren't wearing biking shoes, but sneakers, so we could actually climb. Although the climb was much more tiring than we expected, it definitely felt really good to be doing all that walking and pushing. Made us feel like we actually did something worthwhile. And it was also a good bonding experience. We're planning to go do this again sometime next week or something.

Excitement!

2005-06-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, getting ready to leave for mountain biking. Doing some cleaning at David's apartment and setting up his alcohol fridge. There's a lot of alcohol here that needs to be drunk. So that's probably what I'm going to do too. Getting excited about the biking. Should be great fun. The weather today is another amazing Northern California day. Bright and sunny!

Discovered a new hero in Dota. The bombers Squee and Spleen. They lay a hell lot of mines that can blow the shit storm sky high. Gotta try him when I get back tonight, provided I'm not drunk of my ass. Really excited about this new hero.

Oh, yeah, and I need to email out my blog website to my friends. So that they can keep up with my life. Hmmmm.

Counting down and Hurting

2005-06-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

15 days left to life here in the US. Seems like my life now is all about the countdown, and how much I can do before I leave. Not that I'm really going all out to look for things to do. I'm still really drained inside and have never felt like I'm more than a husk walking around.

Wanted to go to the beach yesterday, but it was 5 o'clock before I wanted to leave and the traffic would have been horrible. So, David took me to go biking instead. We went to the biking trail next to Crystal Springs reservoir, but it was closed. Of all days, it had to be closed the day we went. But we did a little biking around the edge and it was really beautiful. There's so much outdoors in California, so much nature, but I explored so little of it in all my years here. Looks like I have a few more days to catch up with that one.

For today, I'll be going biking with David again. This time, a more challenging trail, 4 miles down 1600ft and 3.3 miles down 1600 ft. I know I'm definitely out of shape, so it'll be a push for me. But the exercise and the sunshine will be really good for me. Seems to me that only with the extreme bright sunshine can it burn the darkness I feel within me out. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully, I'll still be alive after the trail to type my next blog.

Stayed up last night to play Dota again. It's consuming the lives of my friends and I, playing on Battlenet every night. It's fun, but when you play till 4 in the morning, you really don't want to wake up before 1pm and that's half the day. But the sun sets at 8.30pm, so that's kinda good too.

I need to plan some of the things to do for the last 15 days here. Today is biking, tomorrow would probably be golf. This weekend is paintball with the fraternity brothers. But of everything I want to do, there's only done thing that I have to do before I leave. I know that unless I resolve it, I'll be hurting inside even when I leave for home. And I don't even think the sunshine and heat in Singapore can warm the coldness within me.

Well, one thing at a time. Courage in life is all I'm asking for. I kinda remember a phrase from times ago. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. I know I want to live my life well, not the way I'm living it now. There are deep fears within me, about leaving the States, leaving all that I hold dear here, but I know that I will overcome them to move on. Life only gets better, even though it doesn't get easier. I pray that God will be there to watch over me for that.

My first post, along with a flood of thoughts

2005-06-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

I officially joined this "monologue" today, coz I've been repeatedly asked by friends to update my life online so that they can keep track of it. I suppose it's a lot easier to do this than to send mass emails to all my friends from the States, or even personalized emails to my closest ones. And I suppose it's something to do when I'm bored in the army too.

Somehow, considering how I usually speak my mind and tell my friends about the things that are happening in my life, I don't seem to mind putting these thoughts online either. (Except maybe my thoughts about having to be in Singapore for 7-8 years for the military service and then serving the Singapore government for my bond.)

I'm currently bumming around the Palo Alto, alternately living with my one of my best friends David Lu and also crashing in Lantana, a dorm in Stanford. I might have to add more places to my list of places to stay. Having to leave in 17 days for a home nearly 9,000 miles away, for a total length of 8 years, is not a pleasant thought. It hasn't yet hit me, that I'm leaving. I know I'm leaving, but I don't think the actual effects will hit until I'm home.

Things I'm going to miss when I'm back home
1) ALL my friends here
2) The individualism and freedom I have
3) My bunch of brothers from my fraternity
4) My dance friends
5) My own room and place
6) The beautiful sunsets and sceneries
7) My heart (Coz I left my heart in San Francisco)
8) The girls, because the girls here are definitely more beautiful than the ones back home (If you're a Singaporean girl and reading this, prove me wrong!)
9) And more...

I don't ever think I can have the same freedom of choice for my life when I'm back home. Singapore is a great place, but freedom is something that you won't know until you have it, then lose it. Hopefully, my mind will change when I get back home, but in case it doesn't, I believe that I'm truly an international citizen, and that I can move to different places. Well, I still need to work on my abilities to make friends wherever I go, but I'm sure that'll be fine with practice.