Counting down and Hurting

15 days left to life here in the US. Seems like my life now is all about the countdown, and how much I can do before I leave. Not that I'm really going all out to look for things to do. I'm still really drained inside and have never felt like I'm more than a husk walking around.

Wanted to go to the beach yesterday, but it was 5 o'clock before I wanted to leave and the traffic would have been horrible. So, David took me to go biking instead. We went to the biking trail next to Crystal Springs reservoir, but it was closed. Of all days, it had to be closed the day we went. But we did a little biking around the edge and it was really beautiful. There's so much outdoors in California, so much nature, but I explored so little of it in all my years here. Looks like I have a few more days to catch up with that one.

For today, I'll be going biking with David again. This time, a more challenging trail, 4 miles down 1600ft and 3.3 miles down 1600 ft. I know I'm definitely out of shape, so it'll be a push for me. But the exercise and the sunshine will be really good for me. Seems to me that only with the extreme bright sunshine can it burn the darkness I feel within me out. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully, I'll still be alive after the trail to type my next blog.

Stayed up last night to play Dota again. It's consuming the lives of my friends and I, playing on Battlenet every night. It's fun, but when you play till 4 in the morning, you really don't want to wake up before 1pm and that's half the day. But the sun sets at 8.30pm, so that's kinda good too.

I need to plan some of the things to do for the last 15 days here. Today is biking, tomorrow would probably be golf. This weekend is paintball with the fraternity brothers. But of everything I want to do, there's only done thing that I have to do before I leave. I know that unless I resolve it, I'll be hurting inside even when I leave for home. And I don't even think the sunshine and heat in Singapore can warm the coldness within me.

Well, one thing at a time. Courage in life is all I'm asking for. I kinda remember a phrase from times ago. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. I know I want to live my life well, not the way I'm living it now. There are deep fears within me, about leaving the States, leaving all that I hold dear here, but I know that I will overcome them to move on. Life only gets better, even though it doesn't get easier. I pray that God will be there to watch over me for that.