What is Growing Up?

This is kinda a stupid question right? What is Growing Up? Isn't it just about getting older, getting more wise, knowing more things, etc. Is that it? Somehow, I'm not that sure that's it.

I'm 24, turning 25 this year. I look back at the things I've done, the feelings I've felt, the thoughts that I made when I was younger. I see a difference between then and now. So what really changed? I grew up. But what made me see things differently? What made me grow up? It's not just because I've gotten older. That in itself brings nothing to one's wisdom, one's growth. But I think that somehow, I've learnt to take better control of my feelings, practiced more control over the things I say and do.

My views of life is also different. When I was young, it was all about trying to be the best, to get the best stuff, to climb over others. Now, I'm not too interested in doing that already. I can't imagine spending all my time in the workplace trying to chase something which pretty much isn't worth as much as it was to me. I don't like working in the office. At least because I'm not doing anything productive.

Furthermore, I think I'm also getting soft. Soft meaning that I no longer feel invincible the way I felt even just last year. I'm actually getting jitters about where I'm going to work. I've been posted to the Ministry of Finance, and I'm scared. I feel the pressure of being put there, of being put on the fast track, of being a "scholar". I'm scared to screw up, and of having to live up to the expectations of the people inside. "What if I'm not good enough? What if what they think I'm good at, I'm actually not?" A short year ago, I would still think that I'm invincible, untouchable, and "good" to say the least. Now, where's my confidence?

Maybe I'm starting to understand how big life really is. Stepping out of college to NS isn't really the real world. Now, I've to step into a job, or the real world. Challenges await. If I am still not frightened, maybe I really haven't grown. My uncertainty is probably the result of having grown, and learning that life and work is not as easily controlled by my willpower, but rather of forces greater than my own. If I'm still going in with the attitude that I can change everything, then I'm in for a very bad time. But maybe with things in perspective due to growing up, I might be able to survive this.

I remember this phrase from somewhere. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the acceptance of it." My younger days of not feeling fear is not true courage, but rather a little foolishness and misplaced belief in youth's invincibility. I suppose now that I understand what I'm facing, and what I fear to face, I can probably be called courageous to face it now.