In a country far, far, away

I'm back now in Singapore, after a long flight. Flights don't bother me anymore. It's just a long time to sit down, eat, watch movies, listen to music, sleep and think. I didn't actually did much thinking. I was too tired after not sleeping the night before and went straight to sleep on the plane.

But now, I'm back sitting at home. I started thinking the moment I got off the plane. Singapore's a beautiful place. A beautiful SMALL place, a nice resort-like jail. I hate the despair I feel when I get back. It's like hope just drains out of me. Hope of ever going back to the US. Despair.

My parents pick me up. They are happy that I'm back. They ask the usual questions about my flight. Then they asked about my grades and how I compared with the other Singaporeans and why I didn't get any awards etc. What can I say? That I didn't want to study? No. I just didn't want to spend my life studying to get the grades needed to do that. I wanted to do other things and I did. My parents will never understand me. Frustration.

I thought about how I'm stuck in this situation. I may have grown up here in Singapore. But the best times I've had, I've had them in the US, at Stanford. But I have no choice but to come back. I made that choice to accept the scholarship 4 years ago, thinking it wouldn't matter. It does now. Actually, it's unfair to say that I have no choice. I have the choice of breaking my bond, of leaving and never coming back. But that choice isn't a smart one. It's one of desperation and of shortsightedness. I will serve the bond out. But I would like to serve it in a capacity that satisfies me. Still, it doesn't make me feel any less angry that I'm stuck here. For a long time. Anger.

I now truly grasp the situation that my friends aren't here anymore. They aren't a car ride away. They aren't next door to me. They aren't even in the same hemisphere (Eastern Hemisphere, I mean). I'm sad. I nearly cried before taking my shower. Having my family around me isn't enough. My sister is too young to talk to, my parents too fixed in their ways to understand. My few friends here are truly good friends, but they don't encompass the same stuff I enjoyed in the States. I miss my friends already. Sadness.

Why the title? I'm currently in a country far away from where I want to be. Very different, insanely different. Beneath the posh western exterior lies extremely conservative thinking and collectiveness. I want to be my own master, have my own choices, but the government owns me. The next 7-8 years of my life belongs to them, in repayment for money they have spent on me. Kinda like slavery eh? I have to live with my parents, losing the freedom I have nearly taken for granted in Stanford. I want to move out, but do not have the money. I talk to friends about it, even those Singaporeans who have gone to the US. The answer? "Well, the Singaporean culture is different, so you should stay with your parents since you're here." Lockdown.

So what's left to do?

FIGHT!!!

Fight the system. Fight for what I believe in. Fight for my future to choose where I want to be. Fight for seeing my friends again. Fight to establish myself as a credible force in whatever I do.

This is the fight of my life. If I go down, then the system has won. I will be another person in the system, forgetting my lessons out in the States, what I have learnt, what I have lived and breathed. My friends would never see the me that once was. If I win, then I know I can survive no matter what. I will dream. That I will be back. That I will uphold the promises to my friends in the States that I will go back, to live, to work and to celebrate life with them.

I will strive to make that dream real again. I fought for the first 18 years of my life to make the last 4 years a beautiful dream. Now, I will fight for another 8 years to make that dream live again. This time, forever...



(Man, sometimes I can be so dramatic. Well, it's late and I'm tired, so whatever. =) It's kinda like story telling. If it isn't dramatic, who will want to read it?)