Heavy Hearts

Things have been pretty heavy lately. There's a lot of things that are going through my head about how I should live my life and how I have to plan right now for it.

Work, business, money issues, God, relationship issues, family issues, friends, wanting to travel, live life the way I want, time, the lack of time, everything! There are so much to do and think about. Things really weighed down heavily on my heart and soul when I balance everything and I find that I'm on the short end of so many things. Money issues is probably the one thing that is weighing the most heavily. How can I find a job that will pay off everything that I need to? My responsibility to my family? That leads on to family issues and then more. It so doesn't help that NS only makes me $420 a month and I spend more time tutoring for the rest of the money. That means my Saturdays are burnt. Then I feel that there's a lack of time, and I'm exhausted and drained all the time. I feel stretched out, thinned, and everything around me seems a little less clear.

The only times when I really feel released is in church, when I do worship and listening to my pastor. Somehow, that lifts my spirits and places me back on track. But the rest of the time, even in prayer, I feel that I have taken on so much that I do not have time to actually think, or to even just take time off. Even when I have free time, I take it to rest, to play computer games, to read, but seldom to think. In fact, I just spend free time piling up with things to help me forget thinking about my problems, in that I don't want to really face it. I know the problems are huge, and thinking about it depresses me.

NS is supposed to be a time of transition, to get a feel of how I am going to live life later when I'm really working. However, I just don't seem to really go along with it. I try to make meaning out of NS, but it is so difficult. At least I get to see the big picture, and my CO helps out with that. But my Branch Head is never that helpful, and somehow just loves to make things difficult. I dislike most of what I do, and it seems an absolute waste of time. I want to be efficient, to get things going and leave on time, but that never seems to be able to happen. Somehow, efficiency in the army is like an impossibility, which leads to lots of overtime, and then I get pissed off.

Then with relationships, I get smacked in the face all the time. Somehow, even when things go well, they will have a remarkable way of turning around and smashing me in the face. I'm so tired of that happening. No matter what I do, it's always that way. I make mistakes, just like everyone does, and I try to be mature about it, to do what is best, but it comes back, and basically rips my head off. Is it so bad to be mature about it, or does everything have to be SO DAMN perfect before the girl accepts it??? It's so disappointing, I don't even know what to say. Just that I'm not thinking of any relationship at the moment. I'm going to spend my time with God, and actively wait for His decision to bring a person into my life. Going about all this is just not the way to go. So for those girls wanting a piece of me at the moment, you ladies gotta wait for a year or so.

Heavy hearts. The worst things in life. When the front seems foggy and you don't know what life brings, when the mud and swamp under your feet are sucking you down, when the backpack of responsibilities weigh down on your back like a ton of bricks, and you cannot even sit and rest because there's a pack of wolves on your trail, man, does it really suck! Then one can only pray and have faith that even in these darkest times, God is there with you always and He will not let you fall.

I pray that He will not let me fall. Amen.