Things that have been going on in life

Well, life has been pretty okay, meaning that it's bearable. Exciting enough to warrant waking up every day and look forward to it, not so much.

Anyway, I met up with an old senior of mine, Sony. He was a Sec 4 student when I was just Sec 1. He helped train my house hockey team for inter-house games. That's where I remember him from. After so many years, he's still his same recognizable self, while he barely recognized me, since I changed so much.

He's working at AIA as an investment and insurance agent and he called me out last Thursday to talk. I went to meet up with him and found out that he was specializing in stocks and shares as "offensive" investments. To elaborate, protection is like insurance, defensive investments are more like funds, and offensive are usually the more risky stuff like stocks, to make more money. We talked about what went on with our lives since our secondary school years, and also about investments. I brough this up because it's so coincidental that I wanted to learn more about investing in stocks and shares, and here comes an old friend who's doing it for a job. He's willing to teach and guide me along, so why not? I trust him quite a bit too, which is probably the most important thing in the world. He asked me to go read up stuff and set up a dummy cash account to practice investing in stocks and go to him with any problems. I'm going to do that.

On another note, I got an email from a friend from Stanford about my blog. We weren't very close when I was there, but he happened across my blog and "was hooked". He read it from beginning to end! That's amazing, coz I would never expect anyone to be hooked to my blog. It was the stuff that I wrote when I was about to leave Stanford that he felt most keenly about, especially when he too has to leave Stanford in another year or so. The leaving was painful, and the pain stays even now. But it gets covered up with all the different things that happen here in Singapore, the apparent "comfort" of being in a country like this.

After getting that email, I started reading through my early posts again. And it struck me that I still feel very strongly about wanting to head back. But, at the same time, it gets more and more sticky here, that Singapore is getting, not more attractive, but rather more like a huge comfortable couch. Meaning that once you get in, you don't want to get out of it. I read back on my post that I wanted to keep on fighting, and I realised that I have lost the fighting will a little bit. My aim in many ways have changed to fighting to make the best use of my time in Singapore. To learn and grow, and not waste this time. No, for those US friends, do not despair. This does not mean I'm not going back to the US. I am, in fact, I have plans to return next April to visit everyone for 2 weeks. And I still really want to be back there. It's just that now, I want to live the "hedonistic" life here in Singapore, that I lived in the US. To enjoy everyday I have here, to have a life far more different from the average Singaporean. To live the type of life that an average Singaporean, even someone who has gone overseas, would never be able to grasp.

Well, this kinda also reminds me about what I read in a Christian book about how God works in our lives in such a way that if He is taken out of our lives, our lives make little sense. But I won't go there now.

This is just some random musing that I have after tutoring on a Saturday afternoon. Nothing too coherent, but generally there.

4 more weeks to climbing Mount Kinabalu! Time to get into shape!

What is the aim of life?

Well, was actually thinking about this problem for some time now. I usually think about stuff like that during the day, especially when I am not doing anything, or during my travel time from place to place. What's worse is that I feel that I have no aim in my life at the moment. Nothing, nil, zilch, zero, you get the idea.

Why so melancholic? Well, everything I do right now, seems to have little or no point other than filling up my time between work, filling up time between now and something in the future. I play frisbee, I meet up with friends, I play computer games, I go read comics, I go watch movies, I watch soccer, etc. All these are just things to fill up my time and feel happy at the same time. When I'm doing all these things, I am happy. But when I stop doing these, then I'm not happy, I feel down, and of course, more than a little empty. Sometimes, I feel this more acutely, sometimes less.

I recently left an MSN message that said "I feel aimless... often joyless...". I believe there is no joy in my life, often because it is aimless, and whatever I am doing, my sports, my hanging out, it gives me nothing new in life, and is not permanent. I so truly believe that happiness and joy are such different things. I may seem happy and laughing when I am out with friends, but deep down, I feel rather empty. All my life, my aims have been rather clear. Study hard, get good results, go on to the next step in life. It was all rather predetermined. But now, all my studies are done. My "real" life has started and I am in NS, and at a loss. I have not learnt anything new in my job in NS, other than politiking and how to work Excel and Access Spreadsheets at my fingertips. This lack of learning or meaningful work is also part of the problem.

My frisbee league ended yesterday with a bang. We didn't do too well, but I had loads of fun watching the games, spending time with friends and drinking. But when I woke up today (at 3.00pm in the afternoon from all the lack of sleep etc.) I suddenly feel like I'm empty again. Like there is nothing for me to do today, and that sucks.

I need to find something that will give me joy. Not happiness, but real, concrete joy. Joy that will last even in the times of hardship and unhappiness. Something eternal, not fleeting like the games we play, the things we often do, the time-fillers that we are so good at doing. God and Christ has shown me a way, but I have yet to grasp it. Ministry and service to our neighbours, our fellow men, to glorify God and Christ. But how to go about this? Will it really work? What can I do to do that?

Maybe I'll list down some concrete steps to work towards this goal of serving others and keeping God in the center of my life, so I do not feel so empty.

1) Trim my commitments elsewhere. Doing too many things will also take time away from what the most important things are. I'll limit the number of extracurricular activities I do, like sports and also the number of extra projects I take up at work.

2) Use the extra time wisely, and not on computer games. I need to live a useful life and computer games are not useful at all. They are merely time-fillers. Take the extra time to read the Bible, talk to others about the Bible, pray and genuinely build relationships with people.

3) Participate in church more actively. I think I'm ready to help with one of the ministries in church. I no longer just want to be a spectator in church, looking on, without being a real part of it. Maybe I'll join the music ministry, since I like to sing and play the piano.

4) Talk to my mentor about all these and pray that I will find my aim and calling. Share this with my DG for help and guidance. Trust in the Lord that it will happen.

I am only 23 years old this year, turning 24 in August. I walk along Orchard Road and I see so many happy young people, enjoying their youth, walking beside their significant other, or with a group of friends. Yet I often walk Orchard Road by myself, and think about such large questions, and it invariantly puts a strain within me. I suppose it's not so far from the truth when people guess that I am closer to 30 than 20. Yet this also means that I have spent a large portion of my life in the fog, without real aim, and unless I find this real aim, I will spend the rest of my days wandering around, spending my time on the fleeting, the impermanent, and the unimportant.

I lift up this problem of mine to God to help me with it.