Point Reyes

Went to Point Reyes with Jason, Jeremy and Sheryl. It's a beautiful place, and it was lots of fun hanging out with them. Soon, I'll need to fly many miles just to see such beautiful coastlines again. How sad. I envy all the people who live here, because it's just a short drive away for them, and such a long flight for me.

It's done

It's done. I've tied up the loose strings. Time to move on in my life and my heart. Waiting for the 9000 miles to take me home, and help me get over her. It's been a long painful 3 months, and while the times together before that was great, it has taken its toil on me.

Next chapter in my life...

Preparations for the future, enjoying the now

Went to SF yesterday to talk to James Parr, an officer in IE Singapore. I'm trying to get my bond for the government transferred to IE Singapore. They are a statutory board for the government and what they do is really in line with what I want to do too, which is being in touch with the trade and industry development around the world and helping Singapore companies internationalise. It's the direct opposite of the Economic Development Board of Singapore (EDB), which tries to bring companies to Singapore. As a country, we're weaker in expansion abroad, and that's what I want to do. Also, IE Singapore has lots of overseas offices, which I really want to be part of. I'm confident I'm much better out dealing with the experiences overseas rather than in Singapore. The people here are much more interesting too. I'm sure the other scholars are better at dealing with the Singaporean side than I am, but I know I'm better dealing with here than most of them. I'm trying hard to get back here, so we'll see. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Met up with Alicia yesterday too. Took her for dinner at Bucks Restaurant at Woodside. We then went up to Skyline Blvd to see the sunset. She's always been really fun to talk to. We were talking about how our parents didn't understand us, that we were not the same breed of people that grew up in our respective areas. Also about how our parents keep wanting to keep tabs on us, etc. We also talked about her wanting to go to the East Coast to see the sunrise over water, because she's been seeing a lot of sunsets over the California coast. This was what I was saying too, that I wanted to see sunrise over water, because it's the start of the day. Favorite part? She said that if I needed to get back into the country, she'll marry me to help me get a citizenship. I know it's just a joke and she doesn't take marriage too seriously, but it's really sweet to hear that. It's really nice to see her again, and we'll be hanging out more on Tuesday.

Today, it was lunch with Tomas at Apple, and dinner with Meg and Dave at California Pizza Kitchen. Seeing all my friends again before I leave is so cool. I know it'll be sometime before I see them again, but I know they are all rooting for me in life, and I'm rooting for them too. Someday, we'll all be joyful in our respective lives and can meet again to catch up with each other.

Yet at the same time, I'm still frustrated over another friend. She's not returning my IMs, or my calls. She just doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all. I do want to wrap things up, but it's like she's avoiding me like the plague. I'm really sad that even with the times that we had together, she still doesn't seem to care, or bother. Why is it this way? I'm amazed that it's possible for that to happen, that people can come together and then one of them can forget that the other person ever existed in your life. It hurts a lot, knowing that I care deeply about her, but she seems to be willing to just let it fly by, or just ignore it until it goes away. I really want to know what she's thinking about this. I need to say my goodbye to her, and tie things up, or it'll be something that will stay entrenched in me for a long time. I care too much about her to just walk away without seeing her again. It's the last thing I have to do before I leave.

Saying goodbyes, or actually "See you Later!"

I remember what an old friend from home said to me when I asked her to sign my autograph book after JC2 (12th Grade). "I'm not going to write something and sign it, because that'll be like saying, 'Goodbye and I'll never get to see you again.'" Somehow, that is similar to what I'm going through here.

I'm not saying 'goodbye' to my friends here. I'm saying "See you later." Why? Because I'm going to see them later. How much later, I don't know. But I know I will. Especially the ones I have promised.

I sent off another friend today. Kimberly and I met dancing at Ragtime Ball this year. Since then, we have been hanging out and talking a lot. She's leaving for India tomorrow for an internship and will only be back in August before she starts work in SF. We'll see each other soon, being about in a year or two when I come visit. I know we'll probably talk over IM and catch up anyway. She told me that one of her best friends, she has only seen face to face about 6 times, but talk over email and the phone a lot.

So if that's possible, it's not goodbye, but just "See you later."

The good and the bad

I spent some time today hanging out with Katrina, a friend and an ME teammate. We had Coldstone Creamery Ice Cream and went for a nice walk around the quad. We then drove up the 280 to Millbrae, then back down the 101. Haven't talked to her for a while, and we talked about our lives, our family and the problems we faced in life. We also talked about Paris and why it's an romantic city. I've been wondering lately why women think that Paris is the most romantic city in the world. I need to go see Paris someday, because I think that being a hopeless romantic myself, I need to see this. It's amazing how easy it is to talk to friends and how they make our lives more interesting, give us a different perspective, as well as be there for us.

After I got back, I called another friend of mine. This one affected me badly instead. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say, and she wouldn't even really talk to me. "How are you?" is always followed by a "Good." Then silence. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much. But because of the history we had, it has since then always been difficult to talk and awkward to hang out. I often wish I could change the past, that I would have been more mature about my decisions and actions. But I can't. I have to live with the consequences instead. I've tried very hard to undo the consequences now. Or at least everything I know. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with it. I don't think she cares, because I'm just another guy she met along the way. In some way, I know that once I leave, I'm just a passing shadow.

The question now is, is what I'm feeling and doing worth it? Should I just turn away and move on with life? Forget what happened, give it up and leave? I may be leaving the country, but that doesn't mean I forget the people here. I want to remember the people who have made impressions on my life. I can do everything I can, but it's probably not going to be worth jack to her. I don't know whether it's worth it. I ask my heart and it sometimes tells me to move on. Other times, I know I'm not a person to just get up and leave.

Maybe I'll just wrap things up before I leave, and let life take its path with us. I'll remember her, try to keep in touch. But if it's going to be one-sided, I suppose my busy lifestyle back home as well as the 9000 miles between us might just help me with getting through this. The world is a funny place. Sometimes, the less you try, the more you might actually succeed. Hmmmm.

Reflections of Mr. and Mrs. Smith

It's been too long since I last really enjoyed time with the guys. Went to paintball at Santa Clara with 6 other of the Phi Psis, David and Sulin. It was good exercise, running around and shooting others. I realised that pushing hard and advancing is the way to win. You can't just hold them off by sitting and shooting. Well, it's like no guts, no glory.

Anyway, spending a day out in the bright sunshine playing paintball has been really enjoyable. It didn't just fill up my day, but enriched it with activities. I love just being outdoors. Need to figure out what else to do. Might go mountain biking or hiking again.

After a tiring day of playing paintball, I got a call from Schwartz, inviting me to his place to dinner (tri-tip and potatoes). How can I say no? It was supposed to be a small dinner with a few brothers, but it ended up that everyone called everyone else and sooooo many people came. Nearly all were brothers, past and present and the NIBS. It was so good to see everyone again, as we laugh our heads off at the brother's antics. I have to get the story of the "escort girls" and the Texas Beta Power Hour story out of Schwartz. Apparently, there was a lot of debauchary that night which Andrew Schwartz, Andrew Wood, Andy Luto are trying to block out. Hmmm, need the juicy stories.

I watched Mr and Mrs. Smith after dinner. That was a good movie. Funny, and in some ways very accurate of the portrayal how people interact. If there isn't any conflict within a relationship, I don't think it will grow and mature. Conflicts can make people understand each other more. However, you also need both sides willing to learn and forgive each other, and also make the effort to bring it together again. It reminds me a lot about a friend (A) from junior year in college and how it took a huge quarrel to finally become good friends again. It took some effort on both our parts to interact and talk and hang out. Although we may not see each other anytime soon, I know we'll be reading each other's blogs and emailing to catch up.

I'm trying to make a huge effort to solve my current problem the same way. However, I'm not sure that this friend will even try. We were close before, but now, we have drifted apart. And I'm not sure whether she'll even care anymore. I hate to lose people this way, from lack of caring, or just blocking people out, even when they try their best. I'll have to see what happens in the next 12 days I have left here.

Another day

Spent most of the day playing Dota with Jason and Jeremy at Jason's place. Hung out with the brothers at Dan Foley's place, watching Family Guy and then Episode 4 of Star Wars. Sukhjeet was really irritating that he kept talking throughout the movie. I have never seen someone whine or talk as much as Sukhjeet. I love him as a brother, but he needs to grow up.

I'm heading to play paintball with the brothers and friends tomorrow. Haven't played paintball for so long. Should be really fun. Looking forward to it. Need an early night to have the energy to play.

I talked to Sandra today. Haven't seen her for some time. She's doing well, and growing up into someone responsible, both of her own life and also being the captain of the archery team. It's really nice to see people grow up and mature. Reminds me that no matter how old I am, I still have lots to learn and grow.

I'm going to start folding stars. I'm trying to hit 1000 stars before I leave. Hopefully, I can do it before I leave. It's going to be for someone dear.

New book I'm reading

Amidst all my hanging out, playing golf and playing Warcraft 3, I just bought a new book from Borders. It's call "10 Men", by Alexandra Gray. It somehow caught my eye when I wandered into the literature section. This was also something I usually don't do. I usually just head straight for the comics section to read a random array of comics. But as a break in tradition, I went into the literature section.

The book just sat somewhere at the height of my head, and the cover seemed pretty cool. I thought, "What can a book called "10 Men" say? I picked it up and read the first chapter. It was surprisingly good. It talks about how a woman goes through a series of 10 different men throughout her life, dating or marrying each of them and how none of them really suited her, or allowed her to find the happiness that she sought. I'm still in the beginning chapters of the book, so I'll need to keep reading to figure out more.

It seems really interesting to figure out what goes on in the minds of women, and also how I might even share some common characteristics with some, if not all of these 10 men. Could be a book to lead me into some introspection into my life and how I treat women. Hmmmm.

More to come.

After Mountain Biking

Let's just say that mountain biking was AMAZING! It's probably the combination of the beautiful surroundings, the exhilaration of going really fast down a rocky slope on a bike and just being outdoors. I can't really describe the feeling totally now, just that it's frightening.

I was afraid on that trail, keeping my brakes on most of the time, just so that I won't go too fast and flip over my bike. I felt fear. It was just so fast. To one side of my bicycle was a steep drop of many hundreds of feet and I definitely didn't want to fall over that. I wanted to be in control, like I have in most of my life. But then I knew that risks in life and the best part of life sometimes come when you let go and just enjoy it. Which I did and the feeling of doing this extremely risky mountain biking and having a good chance of breaking my neck seems extremely rewarding. Can't really live life fully without being close to experiencing the closeness to death eh?

Anyway, once David and I got down the 4 miles do the foot of the mountain, we had to make our way up the 3.3 miles and 1600 feet. However, it was just too steep to actually pedal. So, we had to get off and push the bicycles along for that 3.3 miles. It was tiring and some of the slopes were actually greater than 45 degrees. Ouch. Luckily, we weren't wearing biking shoes, but sneakers, so we could actually climb. Although the climb was much more tiring than we expected, it definitely felt really good to be doing all that walking and pushing. Made us feel like we actually did something worthwhile. And it was also a good bonding experience. We're planning to go do this again sometime next week or something.

Excitement!

Well, getting ready to leave for mountain biking. Doing some cleaning at David's apartment and setting up his alcohol fridge. There's a lot of alcohol here that needs to be drunk. So that's probably what I'm going to do too. Getting excited about the biking. Should be great fun. The weather today is another amazing Northern California day. Bright and sunny!

Discovered a new hero in Dota. The bombers Squee and Spleen. They lay a hell lot of mines that can blow the shit storm sky high. Gotta try him when I get back tonight, provided I'm not drunk of my ass. Really excited about this new hero.

Oh, yeah, and I need to email out my blog website to my friends. So that they can keep up with my life. Hmmmm.

Counting down and Hurting

15 days left to life here in the US. Seems like my life now is all about the countdown, and how much I can do before I leave. Not that I'm really going all out to look for things to do. I'm still really drained inside and have never felt like I'm more than a husk walking around.

Wanted to go to the beach yesterday, but it was 5 o'clock before I wanted to leave and the traffic would have been horrible. So, David took me to go biking instead. We went to the biking trail next to Crystal Springs reservoir, but it was closed. Of all days, it had to be closed the day we went. But we did a little biking around the edge and it was really beautiful. There's so much outdoors in California, so much nature, but I explored so little of it in all my years here. Looks like I have a few more days to catch up with that one.

For today, I'll be going biking with David again. This time, a more challenging trail, 4 miles down 1600ft and 3.3 miles down 1600 ft. I know I'm definitely out of shape, so it'll be a push for me. But the exercise and the sunshine will be really good for me. Seems to me that only with the extreme bright sunshine can it burn the darkness I feel within me out. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully, I'll still be alive after the trail to type my next blog.

Stayed up last night to play Dota again. It's consuming the lives of my friends and I, playing on Battlenet every night. It's fun, but when you play till 4 in the morning, you really don't want to wake up before 1pm and that's half the day. But the sun sets at 8.30pm, so that's kinda good too.

I need to plan some of the things to do for the last 15 days here. Today is biking, tomorrow would probably be golf. This weekend is paintball with the fraternity brothers. But of everything I want to do, there's only done thing that I have to do before I leave. I know that unless I resolve it, I'll be hurting inside even when I leave for home. And I don't even think the sunshine and heat in Singapore can warm the coldness within me.

Well, one thing at a time. Courage in life is all I'm asking for. I kinda remember a phrase from times ago. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. I know I want to live my life well, not the way I'm living it now. There are deep fears within me, about leaving the States, leaving all that I hold dear here, but I know that I will overcome them to move on. Life only gets better, even though it doesn't get easier. I pray that God will be there to watch over me for that.

My first post, along with a flood of thoughts

I officially joined this "monologue" today, coz I've been repeatedly asked by friends to update my life online so that they can keep track of it. I suppose it's a lot easier to do this than to send mass emails to all my friends from the States, or even personalized emails to my closest ones. And I suppose it's something to do when I'm bored in the army too.

Somehow, considering how I usually speak my mind and tell my friends about the things that are happening in my life, I don't seem to mind putting these thoughts online either. (Except maybe my thoughts about having to be in Singapore for 7-8 years for the military service and then serving the Singapore government for my bond.)

I'm currently bumming around the Palo Alto, alternately living with my one of my best friends David Lu and also crashing in Lantana, a dorm in Stanford. I might have to add more places to my list of places to stay. Having to leave in 17 days for a home nearly 9,000 miles away, for a total length of 8 years, is not a pleasant thought. It hasn't yet hit me, that I'm leaving. I know I'm leaving, but I don't think the actual effects will hit until I'm home.

Things I'm going to miss when I'm back home
1) ALL my friends here
2) The individualism and freedom I have
3) My bunch of brothers from my fraternity
4) My dance friends
5) My own room and place
6) The beautiful sunsets and sceneries
7) My heart (Coz I left my heart in San Francisco)
8) The girls, because the girls here are definitely more beautiful than the ones back home (If you're a Singaporean girl and reading this, prove me wrong!)
9) And more...

I don't ever think I can have the same freedom of choice for my life when I'm back home. Singapore is a great place, but freedom is something that you won't know until you have it, then lose it. Hopefully, my mind will change when I get back home, but in case it doesn't, I believe that I'm truly an international citizen, and that I can move to different places. Well, I still need to work on my abilities to make friends wherever I go, but I'm sure that'll be fine with practice.