Aching all over

I haven't ran for such a long time. As in running for sports. Frisbee yesterday was AMAZING! So, I went down around 2.00pm to look at Muddy Grass (one of the clubs) train. Joyce helped me with practicing my forehand and also explained the tactics to me. I didn't get the train with the club, because they were running set plays, but I got to do the Albert Beer Challenge (ABC). I realised that Albert, one of the first few members of Muddy Grass, was actually my classmate in primary school and we have known each other for forever, practically. He's leaving for Amsterdam for an exchange program next Sunday. And also, I know a lot more people in the group than I think. Old friends from RJC, and even from RI. The ABC is a pickup game with beer involved. Everytime your team scores, all of you have to drink. Then the game goes on. We finished an entire keg. Which meant that we ran out of alcohol halfway through.

I was running up and down the field, diving, laying out, jumping for the frisbee. I sprinted through the mud, got absolutely muddy and slimy. Over 5 hours out on the NUS field, running my heart out. I have all my wounds, and bruises to show for it too, and my muscles are aching all over. I got hit in the nose by a frisbee because I didn't catch it in time to save my face. So my nose hurts too. =) But all in all, I had a wonderful time, breathing hard after the sprints, throwing the frisbee and making new friends. I'm going to be doing my pickup frisbee to get to know the people even better. Hopefully, they'll ask me to join the club soon. I need to go buy cleats, so that my new sports shoes don't die in the mud. After all that frisbee, we went for dinner at a seafood restaurant. The food was so good. Food never taste better than after sports, a good shower and good company.

Once that was done, I went over to Guohao's place. He left for Cambridge today, to continue with his studies and his research. The tables are now turned. For the past years, he has always been the one sending me off at the airport when I left for Stanford. Now, I'm done and it's my turn to send him off. Seeing the airport brings back so many memories, of leaving, of being overseas, of college, of leading my own life, of independence and freedom. I couldn't help feeling a pange and an ache in my heart, wanting to be in America, running around, living a good life instead of being back here. I have changed so much since 4 years ago. Singapore just doesn't feel like home anymore. Guohao asked me to visit him in the UK when I can. I will, in another few years, since he's going to be there for quite some time. Maybe even after I'm done with my bond.

I'll miss Guohao. We have been friends for so long, and everytime summer comes along, we hang out and chill all the time. Now, it'll be another year before I'll see him. Probably a short one for him, a long year for me.

Happening!

Went clubbing in Singapore for the 3rd time in my life yesterday, with Scott. He's leaving for Hong Kong today, so he wanted to go check out the clubbing scene. Now, I'm not too much of a clubbing person, unless I have friends going. But I didn't want to disappoint him, so we went. Of course, the clubbing idea got much better after a few drinks. =)

We went to Zouk, getting in before 10pm, so that tickets will be cheaper. It was already very crowded, because there was a DJ Quest competition. The DJs were pretty good, playing very cool and funky stuff. Scott went around talking to random people, getting numbers. Somehow, he ended up dancing with this girl. More like, he ended up grinding and making out with this girl on the dance floor. I was like, "Wow, it's like back in the States for him!" It's amazing being so outgoing and so confident about yourself that it doesn't matter where you are, you can still chat with people. I'm still a little reluctant to do that, relying often on alcohol to break barriers. Sigh, maybe it just isn't my thing, meeting people in clubs.

Today, it'll mostly be ultimate frisbee. Some training and some fun games of ultimate. Yeehaaa!

5 and tuition and Motorcycle Diaries

Chengos coming makes 5 people now. Chengos' phone was whacked, so it took us around 2 hours before we found each other and met up at the Coffee Bean at Takashimaya. We talked about the Phi Psi guys and what has been happening over the past few weeks since I was gone. Chengos brought greetings from my brothers and friends from Stanford. Dave Kale said hi, or actually, more like, "Hi, Tee Sing. I miss you." (in a deep Dave Kale voice.) We're going to be going swing dancing tomorrow, at Swing Fling.

I had my first tutoring session again for a long time. It was teaching Economics for a JC2 student. I forgot how tiring tutoring is. I had to constantly talk and think for 2 hours straight, answering questions and explaining details of economics essays. Some of the stuff, I knew instinctively, and could answer, but others, I had to rack my brains to find answers. All in all, working for money is tough. I need to prepare more fully for the next session, just so that I don't have to fry my brain in 2 hours, but slowly steam it over a period of a week.

So, in order to get over the first day of tutoring, I went out for dinner and a drink with Scott. I downed some beer, not enough to get drunk, just enough to get a little tipsy. I miss the hard drinking sessions and movie drinking games with the guys. Looks like I have to find the people to do that again.

Yesterday, I went with Shuzhen and Scott to watch Motorcycle Diaries at the Art House. The Art House is actually the old Parliament House, converted into a small theatre for artistic movies. The setting is actually really nice, a small theatre bathed in green light, for around 120 people. It had a really classy setting, and pretty cosy too. It's like a classy theatre for a classy date. Probably a good place to have a nice date after a good dinner, watching an artistic movie instead of a normal blockbuster type. The movie itself was really thought-provoking. I liked it for its realism, and the feelings it invokes in you. I also felt that it was the type of movie that I'll watch at Stanford and in the US, but it seems kinda out of place in Singapore. Well, at least I can still watch movies like that here. So I'm going to make an effort to do that more often.

Ultimate Frisbee and Tutoring

So, I got a job. I'm going to be tutoring a 12th grader and preparing him for his Economics A levels at the end of this year. I think it'll be tough, coz he's making tough demands on getting model essays, notes and stuff. I need to revise all my old notes and relearn the stuff that I have forgotten. Somehow, the Singapore education system fosters memorization for examinations, and once the examinations are over, most of the information leaked out of my head. Time to put them back into my head so that I can teach and get some money. First class is tomorrow. I had to head back to my junior college, RJC, to meet some of my old economics teachers and ask them for some help. I also found some of the good essays online, so that's great.

I played ultimate frisbee with Seiwei, his sister and lots of other friends. It's a game of pickup frisbee, hosted weekly by the Singapore Ultimate Association. I had lots of fun, running and getting my exercise. I feel like a dog too, jumping after flying objects. I'm seriously considering this as my next sport, so that I can keep fit and meet new people. All I need to get now is a pair of cleats, plus start practising to throw forehand. Maybe if I train hard enough, I MIGHT be able to attend the Singapore Open this year. Most probably next year.

I bought a new computer. My old one is dying. It's coming in 2 days, and I'm excited. Finally, a good computer to do my gaming! Woohoo!

4 friends, a wedding and a farewell party

So, the count is now 4. Scott Chanatry, a Phi Psi brother is here to visit Singapore and me. He'll be here till the 2nd of August, before going to Chiang Mai in Thailand and then around the region. I envision that it'll be fun hanging out and visiting places with him.

I attended Waiyan's and Larissa's wedding today. It was held at the Singapore Zoo, which is a very new thing. Who has their wedding at the zoo? But it was very pleasant and very different. We had cute little soft toys as gifts. It's kinda scary to see friends get married. It's like thinking, hmmmm, when will be my turn? I don't even want to think about it. But the getting together with friends part is cool. I met an old acquaintance from back in 10th grade, Ann-Marie. She was a year older, but we knew each other in air rifle. We talked about what we did for the past years, chatted a little about mutual friends. Might try to catch up with her again later on.

Then I went for a farewell party for Steph, Seiwei's girlfriend. She's going back to Stanford to do the STEP program. Both of them are kinda sad that they have to live apart for a while. But they are pretty committed and are making the effort to stay connected. I also met up with new people, lik Seiwei's work mates, Andrew Tan (in GIC) and others. Scott was with me and he had a good time meeting new people too. Seiwei's sister, Joyce talked to me about playing ultimate frisbee. I have been thinking of doing that, so I'll going to go play tomorrow.

Running at Botanical Gardens and Fruit Party

My friend took me running yesterday. Isaac and I were supposed to go for breakfast, because I needed to sign something for my insurance forms. He called me around 7.30 in the morning, and asked if I wanted to go running before breakfast. Although I had only 3 hours of sleep the night before, I said why not. So he came to pick me up, and drove to the Botanical Gardens. He wanted to do it as a way of "repaying" the favor of me trying to convince him to be spontaneous in life.

Isaac runs there 3 times a week. To get out of the huge rat race that Singapore is. It's beautiful in the gardens, not too many people in the morning, nice greenery, far away from the ever present hustle and bustle. I liked it too. It's quiet enough to give me the space that I need to stay sane. It's a place that reminds me that Singapore still has a few places that can cater to my need of space and peace. A place to help me transition back to this crazy place. We ran around the garden, and talked about our lives, catching up with what happened the past year. Breakfast was at the NIE canteen. It was cheap and tasty. 2 Roti Pratas, 2 Eggs, toast, Milo, a typical Singaporean breakfast. It's good that most foods are cheap in Singapore. Breakfast has always been a cheap meal.

In the afternoon, I went to watch "The Island" with Guohao. We did our basic chatting and talking about life as usual. He'll only be back to 2 weeks this time, and has to go back to Cambridge next week to continue on his research on genetic stuff. I still need to beat him in Dota somehow before he leaves. "The Island" was pretty good. Interesting, with lots of ethical and moral questions about cloning for medical reasons.

At night, the Stanford people got together near my place for dinner and fruits. We went for dinner at "No Signboard Seafood". The seafood is really yummy there. We then bought durians, mangos, longans, dragon fruit, plums, rambutan-like fruits and went to Shuzhen's place to eat them. It was Jason, Chee Hau, Hon Mun, Chris, Joan, Shuzhen and me. Deyao and Melissa joined us later. It's the second fruit party that we had already. The topic of conversation? National Service, and our government bond.

Deyao is already working in the Ministry of Finance, and he was telling us about his first 2 weeks there. He told us to ask lots of questions about our ministry before making any decisions on them. Apparently, he said that a lot of the information is kept from us, shrouded in mystery, like the different pay in the different ministry and other important considerations. I think that's a horrible way to treat the scholars, to hide information from them, to try to "fool" them into joining a certain ministry. I think things should be more transparent. We want to be part of the system, not have to be lured into it. I'll go look into this more deeply first and find concrete evidence and ask the questions I need before making any decisions or further comments.

RJC is really ugly! All because of CPG.

Actually, it isn't so much that my high school, Raffles Junior College, is ugly, but rather that it is designed very poorly. I went back with Jason to visit my teachers from RJC. RJ moved from it's old campus in Buona Vista to Bishan. It has a new campus, just built less than a year ago.

And it is horribly built. The space between the buildings is not well utilized, the landscaping really sucks, and the hall is slanted outwards, making it really disorientating. There are little "chat rooms" which also look really squeezed out of nowhere, even though there is a lot of corridor space everywhere. And there are parts of the school, that lead to nowhere.

Not just that, but Singapore rains A LOT. The architect obviously forgot that fact. The staircases look like mini-waterfalls, with water cascading over all of them. Even the indoor ones are flooded. On top of that, there is little or no shelter walking from certain parts of the school to another. That means, if you need to get there when it's raining, you HAVE to get wet. Which was exactly what happened, because it was pouring like crazy. The entrance to the staff room gets soaked by the rain, so teachers will have to get wet getting in and out of the staff room. The classrooms are also soaked on one side because there isn't any rain guards above the windows to keep the rain out.

Apparently, the school is designed by CGP Corporation. Remind me never to give any of my contracts to them. Like one of the teachers said, "It looks good on the outside, that's what they care about. It's complete impractical everywhere else." None of the teachers had anything good to say about the design of the school. If even a person like me can see how bad the designing is, the architect should be fired for the absolutely shoddy job they did. Maybe I should write in to them about what I think about their designing of the school.

Oh, and now, the students can no longer go into the staff room to visit teachers like what it was. They have to stay outside and make a phone call to the teachers and wait for the teachers to come out of the staff room. That greatly reduced the teacher-student interaction which I so enjoyed back when I was in high school. Sigh, this really sucks. Going back to high school to visit isn't too enjoyable anymore, considering the school feels really impersonal. Luckily, my teachers are all still there, so it's still really fun chatting with them.

Well, looks like I have to live with the fact that my high school is an eye sore. But it still has my teachers in it, so that'll be enough for now. =)

Thwee and counting!

Yes! That's 3 friends from the US visiting me. Audrey came by yesterday on an 8 hour layover to Bangalore. I took her, her boss and her co-worker around the island. It was definitely good seeing her again, even though it has only been less than two weeks since we last met. Seeing someone again on the other side of the Pacific Ocean is often a marvelous feat, because the ocean is so huge and it takes so long to fly around it.

Firstly, I took them to City Hall to see the skyline of Singapore. There was the rehearsal for the National Day Parade, so all the tanks, the ATVs, and other vehicles were all driving past. They were pretty excited about seeing all these army vehicles. Quote "For our national day, there's only drunken brawlers. You guys have your nice parades!" After lots of picture taking, we went underground along CityLink Mall, bought bread from BreadTalk, and proceeded to the Esplanade. Behind that is the river mouth, where we saw the skyline of the financial district of Singapore.

We then went to Orchard Road. Somehow, it's kinda weird showing tourists to Orchard Road. There is really NOTHING to do there, unless you want to shop. Or drink coffee. Or watch a movie. The only really fun thing that we saw and did was the Mooncake Festival shops in the middle of Takashimaya Square. Seeing the food, the mooncake and just jostling with the people. Audrey bought some Dragon Beard Candy, which she loves. The others just hung around, looking at the different sights.

That only lasted 3 hours. And that was all that I had planned out. I was definitely hoping that it would take longer. So, after a short rest and much thinking, we went to Chinatown. That was pretty nice although it looked a little fake according to Audrey, as the buildings were all painted different vibrant colours. I thought the place looked very sterile, even though it was more "wild" than the usual polished Singapore. We took a walk around, looking at the different stores. We had dinner there too, giving the three of them a taste of what Singapore food is like.

After that, we took the MRT back to the airport. Audrey's boss and co-workers went through customs first to get to the business class lounge while Audrey and I hung out outside. We had more dinner at one of the food courts. She told me that she would have done more shopping at some of the stores, but didn't want to do that when her boss and co-workers are around. A shame, missing out on good shopping. She'll just have to do some more when she comes back in the airport. She also said that she would liked to have visited other parts of Singapore but there was just no time. We talked, caught up with what we were doing lately. Then time came for her to go. For me, it's sad, sending someone through customs. I don't know when I'll see her again, although she was pretty certain we would. Ah, the optimism of a free spirit. I stood at the customs gate and waited until she was out of sight before leaving.

My two worlds collide everytime someone comes to see me. The US world and the Singapore world. It's really difficult to live in these two worlds, both being extremely different, and one not wanting me to leave. It's a constant struggle to merge both worlds into one within myself.

Audrey and I were talking about the fact that it is not the place that you are in, but the people you are with that is important. I told her that I have way more friends in the US than I have here back home. She then said it was not the number of friends that matter, that even one extremely good one is fine. While I agree to quality over quantity, more friends give you a wider range and view of life. Often, with only one friend, there's only so much you can learn from the person. Then you spend extended amount of time with the person, and both of you become more and more like each other.

For me, I don't think I can necessarily find just one or two people to be friends with and that's it. I do too many things, and want to do many things. My friends have been from different facets of my life. I enjoy the company of some friends when doing some things, and the company of other friends doing other things. That's why I'm picky with people. I need the right person to be with when I'm doing some things. I'm not going to be asking my Singaporean friends to go clubbing. I'll ask my fraternity brothers. I won't ask certain people to go do crazy sports with me, but I will ask others.

David Lu has been the closest person I have come across who can embrace many of the aspects of my life. Andrew Schwartz is another. Dan Grier Roddy, Jason Bay, Clement Zhao, Lie Guohao are four more. My standards are high. I demand a lot from my friends, just as I demand that I give a lot to them. Unconditional demands. How can any one person fulfill that? That's why I think the more good friends, the better it is.

Dance and Pes D

Yesterday was KTV day and swing night. 5 Stanford guys going to sing Karaoke at Chinatown. It was great. Funny and enjoyable. I didn't realize I did know a lot of the Chinese songs, even though I've been out of touch with it.

After that, I went to take a look at computers. I want to build my own computer, because my computer now really sucks. I can't even really play any games at all. It might be a nice to learn something. Jason and I are going to build one each, so it'll be fun.
Dinner was at BreadTalk. The bread was amazing. It smells so good out of the oven. And it tastes soooo good too. It's like a new fab in town. The 5th year anniversary of their opening. People love it a lot.

Dance was pretty good. Met up with some old friends, danced and talked a little. Haven't dance for a some time. It's still very different from dancing in the US though. Need to get use to home and dancing here again.

Today, I had my medical checkup for my military. I currently have a status of Pes D for the next 3 months, which is a temporary status. They need to do further checkups on my eyesight and whether it'll affect my service. Also, my back injury will also affect my status and they are requesting my medical records from the Singapore General Hospital. I'll have to wait for probably another few weeks before I can have my actual status and re-enlist myself into camp. Hmmm.

Pretty good day! Pretty bad day!

Yesterday was a good day. Because I was with friends. I got up early to go to Macritchie Reservoir for a hike with 4 other Stanford Singaporeans. They were Jason, Chee Hau, Hon Mun and Shuzhen. We wanted to go to the HSBC Treetop walk. It took us about 2-3 hours for the whole walk. It's great hanging out with them. The 4 years together at Stanford has brought us close. Apparently, of the 7 guys, 4 will be heading back into Officer Cadet School, 2 are medically unfit for combat and that leaves me, with my medical checkup this Friday. We'll see how the checkup goes.

The walk was very relaxing. It was really hot and humid in the jungle, but the conversations were fun and lively. We talked about everything, from our future postings in the army, to our trips that we had before we got home. It rained halfway, when we were on the tree top walk itself. The tree top walk is a huge bridge, 25m above the ground. We got a nice view of the top of the jungle, as well as the reservoir. Being up so high reminded me of my mountain biking trip with David back along Skyline Boulevard. The reservoir and the scenery were absolutely unSingaporean like. Except for the tall HDB flats in the distance, everything seemed very different and natural. I was thinking that it was very weird that 5 people will be out hiking on a Tuesday, because I don't think very many Singaporeans will actually do that. Maybe because we're so different after being overseas, that we become tourists in our own country. And also because we enjoy different things from the average person here.

After the hiking trip, we did what ALL Singaporeans love to do. Eat. We ate at Junction 8, at Ajishi Ramen House. The ramen was pretty good, but the sushi was horrible. The salmon was not fresh at all. I had a bad stomachache that night because of it. Chin Lum joined us for lunch after that. He got there late because he sleeps in. He's extremely bored too, just like most of us. We went to watch Fantastic Four after lunch and some shopping around. It was pretty good, lots of eye candy. "Jessica Alba is SO hot!" I mean, Reeds Richards must be blind for not noticing Sue for most of the movie, especially when she's acted by Jessica Alba. As usual, the ending is left open ended, with the HUGE possibility of a sequel.

Dinner was with Clement and Jason. It was great catching up with Clement. Heard him talk about his time at CMU, his new girlfriend, and his life. He was suppose to come visit me at Stanford, but somehow, the timing didn't work and it fell through. Damn. We wanted to head over to his place to drink and hang out, but we were pretty tired. So we're going to do that on Friday night instead, to drink and crash at his place. Hmm, but I gotta make sure I can get up pretty early Sat morning to pick up a friend from the airport who's stopping by before continuing on to Bangalore. I'll be hanging out with Clement and Jason more before I get into the army.

Today, however, wasn't such a good day. I was just not happy I'm home at all. Being in such close proximity with my parents just ticks me off. Their constant attention bugs me, because I just want to be left alone. Then I went to get my medical records from the General Hospital, before I felt so bored with life here.

I took the train to Orchard Road, and sat at a cafe outside Borders to read. After an hour, I was hot, and done with reading. I had my iPod in my ear the whole time, trying to close off the noise that Singapore is constantly filled with. Cars, people, talking, more noise. No such thing as silence. I can't even hear the music from my iPod unless I turn it up to 60% volume, compared to 25% at Stanford. Walking along the streets bug me too. No longer can I just go visit a friend. It's just too far to walk, or take the train and find that they are not in.

I'm not at peace. Not at peace with the world, with my situation, with myself. I want to imagine this all being a dream, or actually, just a nightmare I might wake up from, and realise that I'm back in the Bay Area, waiting for my job to start. But this is reality. My reality. I have to be here for a long time, absolutely no doubt about that. I want to be strong, to enjoy my time here. It's still my life, and I want to enjoy life. But somehow, I can't. I'm forever comparing here with SF, with the Bay Area, with the freedom I had. I'm making myself miserable, by not looking on the bright side of things. I should be making myself happy.

So, this is what I'm going to try to do. Make myself happy with my situation here. I need to draw up a plan that will make me happy that I am here. I gotta start filling in those blanks about how to make myself happy and do it. So that I can say that I did not waste 8 years of my life in Singapore, and that no matter how horrible the situation might be, I still survived and made the most of my life.

Errands day + Learning a few things

I spent most of the day running around the city doing errands, both at my scholarship office and at the Central Manpower Base (the military base for personnel stuff). I met up with my scholarship officer, Rachel and had lunch with her. We had a good talk about how PSC is doing as a whole and how the scholars are generally doing. Oh, did you know that if you're either a Leo or a Virgo, you can get a free cruise on Star Leo or Star Virgo? Time to go for a cruise!

Rachel told me that she's going through a lot of flak because her west coast scholars are "misbehaving". One was writing racist comments online in his blog from Northwestern and that got onto Straits Times, which became a huge deal. Another was writing bad comments about PSC. Well, all these occurrences remind me of a few things.

One: Singaporeans are among the most racist people I know.
I'm guilty of it too, in some ways, if not in many ways. My American friends have remarked from time to time how racist Singaporeans can be. I understand that Asians in general are very racist people. If you think the white Americans are mean to the black Americans, you should observe how Asian people treat the black people. With complete and utter disdain. I can safely say that few, if any Asians have close black friends. Although I have a few black American friends, I cannot in any way say that they are close friends. However, even if a person is racist, restraint in writing and expression is always a good thing, and an act of maturity.

Two: The World Wide Web is NOT private.
There is nothing private about the World Wide Web. Don't put thoughts and comments that can be turned against you on the web. The lack of privacy has always been a drawback with online blogs, and many friends have remarked that they would not start a blog because of its lack of privacy. Most people are not comfortable with their inner thoughts being read by millions of people. I too know that things you write on a blog, if bad in certain ways, can be used by people against you. I know there are people like that out there, ready to back stab you, finding things that you have written to use against you. I say, be responsible for what you write. Don't assume that people will just glance through it and forget it.

What about me? Have I ever thought about the privacy problem? Well, thing is, I don't really care. I don't have very much to hide in my life. Everything I think, I say, and everything I say, I do. There is nothing in my blog that I am ashamed of sharing. Maybe I'm being extremely arrogant, or overconfident of my ability to withstand possible shit, but thing is, if you live your life well, be mature and responsible, there is nothing to hide. Of course, my candor has gotten me into much trouble in the past. Most people here in Singapore don't appreciate my candor, and I've made many enemies when I'm younger. I realise that candor can polarize the people you know. I'm either well liked or hated. I don't think I've ever been an in-between person.

I think I like the way I am. It makes things so much easier. You don't have to guess at what the person is really thinking. I like candor in peole too. I would rather someone tell me in the face that they don't like me, than to pretend they do and talk behind my back. In Chinese, it's the difference between a "jun zi" (gentleman) and a "xiao ren" (literally, small person). That's one thing I appreciate about America. Most people are candid about what they think. They don't go around in circles trying to make things sound nice. Here, most people sugarcoat things so much that it's hard to know what they really mean. I remember this phrase that I'll adapt, "Stop trying to tell me, and tell me!" (From Morpheus, "Stop trying to hit me, and hit me!")

If you haven't noticed when reading my blogs, I think a lot. And my thoughts go in random directions. I have to keep trying to rename my titles to represent what my content is. But all these thoughts are genuine, and one day, I'll try to put everything together to figure out what type of person I really am, from all these thoughts.

Number 1 and 2!

Yes! The count is now 2! Count for what? Count of friends or brothers from the US here in Singapore!

I was in the library today reading, when Wesley and Anant V. (both Phi Psis) called me to go for dinner at Old Airport Road. Wesley is Singaporean, so he shouldn't count, but he's a Phi Psi brother, so that counts. He's here doing his summer internship with PSC. Anant is here with ATI, doing his summer internship at the Biopolis. He's having a great time, already having stories of being nearly arrested by a cop and also partying his heart out at the clubs. It's great seeing both of them, plus two more of their friends from ATI. Talking with them about food, about their crazy experiences here, and promising to hang out more as the weeks pass, all makes the average day more bearable.

I know I'm going to get to see a few more friends this summer! I'm keeping count! Yay!

From the library, I also borrowed 14 books to read for the next 3 weeks. 2 are Chinese Sword-fighting novels, 1 is a novel by Anne Rice (she's a crazy writer, always writing about witches, vampires, and another species of humaniods, and incestuous relationships in the South), and a non-fiction called Singapore Inc. That'll keep me pretty occupied for a while, including all the paperwork that I have to deal with for the next week, both for my military service as well as my government.

Walking around the town

Took a walk around the city today. Just around the shopping district, Orchard Road, and to the comics shop. Everything's pretty much the same as always. The same type of people walking the streets, the same type of shops. Every shopping center looks pretty much the same too. Singapore has such a huge shopping culture, and everyone hangs out there. I remembered thinking, "Hmm, a change in life for a Singaporean must probably be going to a different shopping center next week to do their shopping or their coffee drinking."

I bumped into a few friends during my walkaround. Had a little catch up session. Two of them are scholars, one with the army armor unit, and the other with the navy. They have been back long before I was and started working already. One's going to Australia for the navy exercises on Wed and the army fellow is going to Fort Knox in August. Pretty tough life. But they are probably enjoying themselves there.

I'm cursing the weather. It's so damn hot and so damn humid. I've still got to get use to the weather here before I've to get into the army. It'll be much worse.

Don't think that Singapore is all bad because of what you read here. Most people are really content with living here. I'm just a malcontent, as you'll already know. I see smiling faces, people enjoying themselves, content with what Singapore has given them. I'm happy for them, that they like this place. It's just that what's good for them, isn't good for me.

In a country far, far, away

I'm back now in Singapore, after a long flight. Flights don't bother me anymore. It's just a long time to sit down, eat, watch movies, listen to music, sleep and think. I didn't actually did much thinking. I was too tired after not sleeping the night before and went straight to sleep on the plane.

But now, I'm back sitting at home. I started thinking the moment I got off the plane. Singapore's a beautiful place. A beautiful SMALL place, a nice resort-like jail. I hate the despair I feel when I get back. It's like hope just drains out of me. Hope of ever going back to the US. Despair.

My parents pick me up. They are happy that I'm back. They ask the usual questions about my flight. Then they asked about my grades and how I compared with the other Singaporeans and why I didn't get any awards etc. What can I say? That I didn't want to study? No. I just didn't want to spend my life studying to get the grades needed to do that. I wanted to do other things and I did. My parents will never understand me. Frustration.

I thought about how I'm stuck in this situation. I may have grown up here in Singapore. But the best times I've had, I've had them in the US, at Stanford. But I have no choice but to come back. I made that choice to accept the scholarship 4 years ago, thinking it wouldn't matter. It does now. Actually, it's unfair to say that I have no choice. I have the choice of breaking my bond, of leaving and never coming back. But that choice isn't a smart one. It's one of desperation and of shortsightedness. I will serve the bond out. But I would like to serve it in a capacity that satisfies me. Still, it doesn't make me feel any less angry that I'm stuck here. For a long time. Anger.

I now truly grasp the situation that my friends aren't here anymore. They aren't a car ride away. They aren't next door to me. They aren't even in the same hemisphere (Eastern Hemisphere, I mean). I'm sad. I nearly cried before taking my shower. Having my family around me isn't enough. My sister is too young to talk to, my parents too fixed in their ways to understand. My few friends here are truly good friends, but they don't encompass the same stuff I enjoyed in the States. I miss my friends already. Sadness.

Why the title? I'm currently in a country far away from where I want to be. Very different, insanely different. Beneath the posh western exterior lies extremely conservative thinking and collectiveness. I want to be my own master, have my own choices, but the government owns me. The next 7-8 years of my life belongs to them, in repayment for money they have spent on me. Kinda like slavery eh? I have to live with my parents, losing the freedom I have nearly taken for granted in Stanford. I want to move out, but do not have the money. I talk to friends about it, even those Singaporeans who have gone to the US. The answer? "Well, the Singaporean culture is different, so you should stay with your parents since you're here." Lockdown.

So what's left to do?

FIGHT!!!

Fight the system. Fight for what I believe in. Fight for my future to choose where I want to be. Fight for seeing my friends again. Fight to establish myself as a credible force in whatever I do.

This is the fight of my life. If I go down, then the system has won. I will be another person in the system, forgetting my lessons out in the States, what I have learnt, what I have lived and breathed. My friends would never see the me that once was. If I win, then I know I can survive no matter what. I will dream. That I will be back. That I will uphold the promises to my friends in the States that I will go back, to live, to work and to celebrate life with them.

I will strive to make that dream real again. I fought for the first 18 years of my life to make the last 4 years a beautiful dream. Now, I will fight for another 8 years to make that dream live again. This time, forever...



(Man, sometimes I can be so dramatic. Well, it's late and I'm tired, so whatever. =) It's kinda like story telling. If it isn't dramatic, who will want to read it?)

I'm leaving on a jet plane

Last post in the US!!! Leaving!!! Arghhh!!! So much emotions!!!

Craziness!!!

Farewell to everyone

Yes, it has come to this. Farewell. It's 4 in the morning of the day I'm leaving the States. I'm due to fly at 1.10pm today. My farewells are said and all done. All my loose ends are tied up and my bags are packed. I'm all ready to leave. Really? I think so. Or maybe not.

I bid my best friend here, David farewell tonight. 3 great years of the best friendships anyone can have. Through the good times, and the bad, through happiness and sorrow. It's hard, just taking the last long hug, and then turning away so that I don't have to see him walk away. No longer can I drive over to talk to him when I'm bored, or sad. No longer can I call him to go hang out or watch a movie together. At least not for a few years. What happens after that, I don't know. We've been through so much together, and now, it's a memory that will just stay with me and hopefully never fades. I want to cry, but instead of tears, I smile. I smile for all the times I had spent with him, and that it's always been great. I don't think I can cry, because just thinking back only brings back wonderful memories. Leaving will only be for a short while. It's not forever. I'll save my tears for more permanent departures.

I said bye to some of my brothers living in Lantana. The times spent together in the fraternity were fabulous times. The joking, laughing, video games, partying, girls, water gun fights, and more, provided me with more entertainment and fun I ever thought possible. Once brothers, always brothers. And I will proudly call Phi Psis my brothers, as they have shaped my life and given me a place I can call my home always.

As I walked back from Lantana, I realised that this is the last night I have in the States. With this realization, the cool air that I've always taken for granted hits me. The ground I walk on becomes special, the stars burn more brightly and I turn around to look at Meyer Library in the distance. With no cars on the street, I walk to the center of the intersection, turning round and taking in the night scene. I love Stanford. Beautiful in the day, more so at night. However, I understood that all these will be here when I get back, and the people may not be. People, my friends, my brothers, made Stanford what it is to me, not just the buildings. The surroundings are amazing, and I'll miss the great weather, the cloudless skies, the rolling hills. I want all that, and I will come back to get it.

Chengos called me before I got home, and I walked back to Lantana. Poor kid, she's so sad to see me leave. She's an amazing girl, with so much energy and affection for the people around her. She has more energy that I can ever imagine and that's great. We talked for a while, about what has happened throughout the year. Can't imagine that we only really met up this year, in Swingtime, and before that in Singapore. She'll be passing by Singapore again later in July and we'll go dancing at Jitterbugs. She asked me what I was thinking about leaving and I told her that I'm not thinking about it. It's too painful to think and I'm happy I'm so tired that I'm not really feeling anything. I'm not sleeping tonight so that I can sleep on the plane and reverse my jetlag. Chengos may be really annoying sometimes (I know you'll read this!), but she has a heart of gold and that's what counts. She wrote me a really nice letter that was overdue from the Swingtime sharing writeup. It's nice to get nice letters from people, to tell you that you mean a lot to them. =)

As much as I say that I'll see people again, I know that I may never see some people again in my life. Life takes all of us in different directions and sometimes, we collide again, and re-establish ties. But often, it takes us to different ends of the world, and we do different things, or timing is not right and we never meet up face to face again. I'm afraid to go there, to think of that. To imagine that the person I just saw, or spent all this time with will not appear in front of me ever again. That's a frightening thought. I'm just going to leave this to when I'm back home and when I'm going to have a horrible temper because I'm home and not here. Thinking now isn't going to help, and thinking later is better. Hmmm.

I don't want to leave. I can so imagine living here, working here and making this home. My best friends are here, the people I trust are here. I really don't have too many friends I care about back home, just the handful whom I'll die to keep in touch with. Other than that, the rest of my schoolmates from high school weren't really my type of people. I know that's unfair to them, and I'm sure I can build new strong friendships. But it's up in the air and I can't see that happening too easily yet. It'll be a challenge. And if you know me well enough, challenges are what I live for.

This would probably be the last entry I'm making from the States. My next entry would most probably be done in Singapore. I'm going to play some Warcraft now, watch the sunrise in the States for the last time, shower, pack and wait for Dave to pick me up. I watch to drive around the Oval one last time before I leave.

All you people out there reading this, come visit me. Take care of yourself and I will take care of myself. I'll see all of you soon. Write me sometime. I'll miss all of you. I will be back. Do not doubt that. I will be back.

Going away party

I had my going away party yesterday, with a BBQ and invited all my friends here at Stanford. I wanted to see all of them again before I leave. I know I'll miss many of them. I've never had a time in my life when I had as many friends as I have now. Seeing all of them come visit, talk with them, catching up with them, the feeling is amazing. Some of them have yet to graduate, some have and are working. Friends of all different races, different beliefs. They are all from different activities: dancing, kayaking, fraternity, archery, class, international students, dorms, etc. It's so cool.

Even friends whom I didn't think would show up, did. It was definitely surprising to see 2 of them drop by without informing me first. I never thought these two would in a hundred years come by, but they did. Well, at least we caught up for a bit before I left. I think that old things and feelings get left behind when you move on and somehow, it's good that life was made this way.

I promised my friends that I'll be back to visit, in a few years. Hopefully too, I'll be working here and then I can reconnect myself with these friends. Many friends also promised to visit as soon as possible. It'll be such a great feeling to have them come visit me in Singapore. It would be like a breathe of life into a stale atmosphere of the military back home.

I'll miss EVERYONE!!! Come and visit me and I'll show you all a good time!!!

Amazing Fourth of July cont. and the Subject of FEAR

Hmmm, so I got up today, with my right ankle and left elbow hurting badly. I twisted my ankle and hit my elbow on the water skis when I fell off them yesterday. Although it hurts to walk, and I'm limping a little, it's cool what a little pain can do for you. It's like, "Hey, you're alive, and you're actually hurting because you went out of your way to do something cool and dangerous. That's living a good life!" Maybe I'm a masochist, but I do believe in SOME pain in life making things way more interesting.

The weekend was amazing, if that isn't obvious in the title. Up in Arrowhead Lake, not a cloud in the sky, sunny all day long. We were out in the boat a lot, either waterskiing, or touring the lake, or just going to the village. We would wake up at 6.30am, go waterskiing for a few hours, get back and have breakfast, then go back to bed for a while. We'll then go out hiking or to the village and just hang out before cooking a sumptuous dinner. It's a private lake, so all the boats there belong to people who are living there. There's a small village with lots of cute shops and fun stuff to do. I bought shoes there, coz I needed some. The nights were beautiful too, with all the stars out, and man, were there a LOT of stars!

It's a great way to end my time here. It was relaxing, I took a lot of time off to think about what my life is going to be like and how I want to strive towards how I want my life to be. Seeing Andrew's family was also wonderful, because his family is so close and loving and the parents joking with their children, and seeing the love in the family. Not that I don't know that my parents love my sisters and I a lot, but there is just a lot of tension in the family. I want to build my own family to be loving and caring just the way Andrew's family and Danny's family has shown me. I think in some ways, that's even more important than having the best career or making the most money. Oh, and Andrew's father has the same birthday as I do, which is really surprising too! Another proud Leo who strives hard and lives life with a passion.

FEAR

Other than that, it's great always being able to do new things. I didn't expect to waterski, and I was a little afraid too. I failed miserably wakeboarding and the water rushing into my nose, ears and mouth isn't the most pleasant feeling either. I'm always slightly afraid of new things. New classes, new dangerous activities, new places, new people. But I think I recognize how this fear manifests itself in me, and I can actively combat it. I take everything I fear as a challenge. It's not that I don't panic though. I panicked swimming in the lake, when I was really tired and really far away from the boat. No matter how hard I tried to calm myself, I keep wanting to struggle and paddle harder to get to the boat, which will probably have drowned me. Luckily, Vicky (Andrew's sister) was around and swam beside me, calming me down. Fear is an amazing feeling. It hits you and you don't know what to do, panick and start doing crazy things you wouldn't necessarily do. Mastering your fear takes a lot of effort, and being able to control it to an extent, pushes your comfort zone out, and makes you a more courageous person. I do think I'm brave, but often it's my pride that takes me along, not wanting to fail. I also think of fearing something as a challenge. It means that I have to concentrate on overcoming the fear with my mind.

I want to feel fear. It signals that I'm outside my comfort zone and gives me a chance to do something I wouldn't otherwise do. Bring it on and may I also face my fears with courage.

Amazing Fourth of July

Just got back from Lake Arrowhead, LA for a trip during the fourth of July. Andrew Schwartz invited a bunch of guys to his lake house, and only Andy, Joel and I showed up. It was an amazing trip, with a great bonding experience and getting to know his family.

We went water skiing too! I never did it before and I was quite frightened the first time I did it. Coz I did some wakeboarding 2 years ago during the Theta Delt rush retreat. Failed miserably then, but now, I can get up on the skis, but would only be able to hang on for a few seconds before something happens and I fall over again.

I'm tired after the long drive back and will update more tomorrow.