Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom

Just finished that book over 4 hours in the weekend at a cafe in Haji Lane, while waiting for my gf to go shopping in the little boutique shops there which she loves.

Great book, easy to read, and really reminds me of childhood in all ways! Especially the part of Amy getting her daughters to play the piano and the violin. I played the piano, and both my sisters play the violin and the piano. Those were also stressful childhoods, going straight from school to piano / violin lessons immediately after school, while eating our lunches in the car. Dad will drive us around, not let us play with other kids after school, send us home immediately just so that we will have maximum amount of time to study and practise our instruments. While I blame my lack of interpersonal skills to that period where I didn't really interact much with people, and people generally thought I was weird, I am very happy that I was pushed to the limits of my abilities (although sometimes I felt I could do better), and learnt so many skills.

I'll probably want to raise my kids the same way, pushing them to their limits, learning the most they can, and not giving up no matter what. I'll definitely be fierce with them, but I do draw the line at calling them names, and the crazy part of making them practice when going on holidays =) My parents didn't do that!

Space filler

Wow, it's been such a long time since my last post that I nearly forgot I had a blog! Not sure whether anyone reads it anymore, but I think penning down thoughts again on so many issues going around me is a good thing, be it work, play, friends, God, family, etc. This is just a space filler for now, but I'll start writing again!

Back again

Was talking to an old friend today online. She mentioned that she stumbled across my blog, and encouraged me to keep writing. I usually read her stuff on her Facebook, which is very thought provoking and deep, bringing an added dimension which one probably won't realise just by talking casually to her. Well, she's an old friend, but we still don't know each other well, since it has been 17 years since we last met, and somehow, God brought a bunch of us primary school friends back together again. And it has been good, to see these friends outside of my usual circle of friends have been doing, and that everyone is living their life to the best of their abilities.

Anyway, after being encouraged to write again, I'm here, sitting at my comp, penning down thoughts which I haven't put into writing for over a year. It's 2009 and that's a long long time from when I last wrote. I read that blog, and realised just how long it has been, and how much my life has progressed since then.

• Friends which I knew then and hung out with, I hardly meet them now.
  
• Friends which I now hang out with, I didn't even know them then.
• Activities which I was keen on then (frisbee), I don't really do now.
• I was still in the army then, now I'm serving out my bond with the government.
  
• Teaching in children's church now, which I didn't even think I would do then.
• Having a girlfriend now, which I haven't even met her then, as I was thinking of another girl.
  

So where goes all this? I lied when I told my friend the reason I haven't been writing was that life was the same, Singapore was the same, that I've been bored and that my writings were going in circles. I think the main reason why I haven't been writing is coz I got lazy, and ill-disciplined. The other main reason is that my life is filled with SO SO much, that I barely sit down to think things through, because I'm so caught up with living it, enjoying it, craving for it, that I'm not used to sitting down to savour it anymore.

I'm making more friends that I have time for, making me meet up with a bunch of them at a time, from different places, eras and activities, many of them not knowing each other. (Sometimes, I feel like a walking SDU. Serious! But if you're my friend and reading this, please don't think I'm trying to set you up!) I'm trying to play computer games, read, chat online, doing a hundred things at a time, so that I can complete and enjoy all of them. I'm impatient when I'm doing something fun, as I'm looking forward to the next fun thing happening in a few hours. My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. While I could focus on one thing at a time for hours when I was younger, now, I get antsy after 15 minutes. I feel that I'm living life in fast forward.

(I'm surprised by the number of "I"s in this post. It seems very self-centred, but I think it's a good start to get back to writing, from my point of view, assessing my life. And, given that I haven't really done my stocktake for 2008 before getting into 2009, this feels good!)
Wait! This sounds really familiar! This isn't new, that happens to me all the time. I experienced that from my primary school days, secondary school, JC, especially college days, and even now. It's good to know that despite the changes in life, some things don't change!

Another thing that didn't change, or could I say changed for the better is my walk with God. While I know I haven't been as faithful as I can be, to read the Bible more often than once a week, to spend more time in prayer than just before I sleep or during meals, I have the inclination that I trust Him more with my life. Not that I don't worry anymore, or think that all will be good, but that I know God's gift of His son is so much MORE important and precious than anything else that I have a sense of calm no matter what happens, so long as I turn to Him. God has been good and provided my family and I with so much, one thing especially to give thanks for is my ability to provide for the family. Therefore, despite of all the financial difficulties within the family, nothing seems impossible because He's there, and He has provided.

Well, I'm getting restless again, so although I have loads on my mind to pen down, I'm going to leave it to the next post, hopefully soon. So, just some things which I want to do in the year 2009.

• Read the Bible and pray more regularly, so as to truly grow in my faith.
  
• Read more widely, especially books related to the economy, work, current affairs, etc.
• Spend more time serving and loving God, my family, my girlfriend and my friends.
• Greater discipline, by sleeping earlier, playing less computer games (yes, I'm playing loads still), working harder at work.

If I can do just these, in 2009, and throughout my life, that should be sufficient, more than sufficient.

Amen.

Verbal Diarrhoea

This is going to a post of verbal diarrhoea. I really don't have a fixed format about what I'm going to say, and I'm too emotionally, physically and whatever the heck drained to arrange my thoughts into coherent sentences. Somehow, I figured that just letting my fingers do the typing will be kinda relaxing, so here goes nothing.

So, I've been pretty swamped with life at the moment. What? Swamped with life? How does that happen? Well, it's like being overwhelmed with lots of things, either real and supposed, mental or physical. Frisbee is taking up most of my time, training 3 times a week, getting ready for the Singapore Ultimate Opens in September. Of the 3 trainings, I only kinda truly enjoy one of them, the Saturday training. It's the least stressful, I feel most relaxed among the people, and I don't feel like I'm being judged on my performance all the time. It's also the team that I'm co-captaining, and teaching whatever I know to the people who are still quite new to the game. Somehow, although captaining is stressful, as I've gotta make sure I know what the heck I'm talking about, lead the whole training, be on my toes, the team's really nice, and they are mostly good friends. I love playing with this team because of the warm fuzzy feeling when I play with them.

Now, the other team I play with, I'm extremely stressed out everytime I train with them. I'm basically at the bottom of the pecking order, and I know that I'll get chewed out for doing something wrong, and I have to be at the top of my game at all times. It's stressful to have to go all out for something all the time. And while most of the team is friendly to me, many of them are veterans, and there's extremely high expectations out there, of everyone, and somehow, especially of me. Coupled with a few people who aren't really friendly and extremely brash, disrespectful of "outsiders" (I'm one, coz I'm not actually part of their team, just playing for them this Opens to gain more experience), I go into each training as if I'm bracing for impact. It sucks really. Sometimes, there is no "acceptance", and I don't feel part of the group at all. The good thing is that I do know a few of them, and I try to talk and interact with them more. My "mentor friend" is really nice, and has kinda my character, so we get good interactions. Other thing is that I chose this path. I know that I'm an extremely proud person, that when I get good at something, it can get into my head. That's one reason why I try to take up something new every few years, because it keeps me humble, knowing that I have to be humble to ask questions, learn from others, and not assume I know everything. Once pride gets into your head, it's hard to get it out. So I keep doing this to remind myself that humility is extremely important.

I'm also just really in this team to get better fast, so that I can bring back knowledge for my other team to learn. There's just such a huge knowledge and experience gap in my team that we need to shore up and learn. I feel like I'm doing an "exchange program" so that I can bring back valuable experience to serve my current team, which I don't mind doing, because my team really needs it, and I want to see my team play well. Well, I just have to put things into perspective and let God take hold of it, and bring me through this last month leading up to the Opens.

Daily prayers have been sustaining me for the past months. Just doing quiet time, and trying to trust in God has been one of the main reasons I'm still sane and holding myself together. The other reasons are the friends that God brings to me, to share my pains and stresses. Relationships with other people are so important in our lives, and how much you care and respect others will in turn be how much care and respect others will give you. I'm an over-thinker, which often makes me more stressed out than I should be, and somehow, I need to stop all the over-thinking and just trust that God has it is His hands, and let it be.

Other things to come slightly later, a post on some of my conversations with friends who are asking questions about Christianity, a post about evangelism, and maybe another rambling post.

It's been over 3 months!

Wow, it's been over 3 months since I last blogged. Lots and lots have happened, and I'm even sure where I should start first.

Well, my baptism on the 15th of April went well. It was a very joyful and emotional moment for me, that I know I'm part of God's family. And also to know that I would be able to spend eternity with Him. It's a real comfort, something to put everything on this world into perspective. I pray that He will continue guiding me to love and know Him more each day.

I went back to the US for 2 weeks to visit people. It was so good to SMELL the air there. It smelt sooooo good. I realised I did miss the States a lot. I stayed at my fraternity house on campus, and basically hung out with them. I didn't feel pressured to go travel and see places, but just relax, read the Bible, play computer games with the brothers, see old friends and connect with them again. It's surprising how much they change in those 2 years I've been away. The younger ones have grown up, wiser, more independent, more confident. The older ones have grown more cynical, more white haired, and agressive. Nono, just joking. They didn't change as much, just about the same. Talked to David a lot about Christ. He's curious about exploring it, and feeling a little lost in life. So just really hope that he'll find his answers in the Bible and in God. I'll love to see him be part of God's family.

Well, frisbee is going well and we'll be starting to train with another team for the Singapore Opens. So that we get better faster, as our current team is a little small to train effectively for a tournament. It's tiring trying to be a team captain, and also trying to plan the frisbee league. Luckily, people have been stepping up to help out, and it's been easier with the help.

So, I got rejected by the girl I liked. I asked her before I went to the States, and was really honest about my feelings. She was also really honest with me, and I'm happy about that, even though things didn't work the way I wanted it to. I don't feel horrible or anything bad, as I know all things are in God's hands, and He will bring the right person when the time is right. It's more like I'm just a little bummed. But we are still being friends and it's nice to know that things haven't just gotten awkward or anything. Praise the Lord that things turned out this way. I'll just have to be patient to wait for His directions.

Okay, more updates to come later.

Lord I Lift Your Name on High

I'm getting baptised on the 15th of April. I am so overwhelmed with emotion about what that means that I can hardly be coherent in my thoughts. It's been something that has been sitting on my mind for a while. I wanted to get baptised last September, but didn't feel that my father will be ready to accept that fact yet. Therefore, I postponed it 6 months.

Now, I've told my parents that I'm going to get baptised, that my father has decided that he will come, even though he keeps thinking that it's too soon for me and wants me to wait another 3 to 5 years. I understand his fear that if I was to get baptised, there will be a break in the family tradition. He has always wanted me to continue with the family tradition and family line after him. Being baptised will mean that I will not follow in his footsteps. However, I will continue to love and serve him, and care for my father, hopefully even more than I do now. Eventually, he will see and understand my reasons for doing so. And I pray that God will bring my father to Him, as well as my whole family.

I just wrote a short testimony for my church of how I came to Christ and how God has changed me since I accepted Him into my life. It's a little short to bring out all that I want to say and feel. I'm just bursting with emotions today, singing hymns and making up worship songs when coming home from frisbee at the top of my voice along Orchard Road. This is in spite of me feeling a little down from some emotional thing over a girl that I like. Even at my darkest times, God has always been there for me, never leaving my side, providing me with everything. I have to trust in Him that at the right time, He will provide the things that I need, and that I have to be patient and open to Him.

I especially like the song below. We sang it in church today, and it reminds me to worship Him everyday, because He is our God and loves us more than we can ever know. It helps me to know that He's there for me, as long as I keep Him in my heart. I'll write in more details over the next two weeks leading up to my baptism.

God Bless You all!

Lord I Lift Your Name on High
Lord I lift Your Name on High,
Lord I love to sing Your praises,
I'm so glad You're in my life,
I'm so glad You came to save us.

You came from Heaven to Earth,
To show The Way,
From the Earth to The Cross,
My debt You paid,
From The Cross to the grave,
From the grave to the sky,
Lord I lift Your Name on High!

What is Growing Up?

This is kinda a stupid question right? What is Growing Up? Isn't it just about getting older, getting more wise, knowing more things, etc. Is that it? Somehow, I'm not that sure that's it.

I'm 24, turning 25 this year. I look back at the things I've done, the feelings I've felt, the thoughts that I made when I was younger. I see a difference between then and now. So what really changed? I grew up. But what made me see things differently? What made me grow up? It's not just because I've gotten older. That in itself brings nothing to one's wisdom, one's growth. But I think that somehow, I've learnt to take better control of my feelings, practiced more control over the things I say and do.

My views of life is also different. When I was young, it was all about trying to be the best, to get the best stuff, to climb over others. Now, I'm not too interested in doing that already. I can't imagine spending all my time in the workplace trying to chase something which pretty much isn't worth as much as it was to me. I don't like working in the office. At least because I'm not doing anything productive.

Furthermore, I think I'm also getting soft. Soft meaning that I no longer feel invincible the way I felt even just last year. I'm actually getting jitters about where I'm going to work. I've been posted to the Ministry of Finance, and I'm scared. I feel the pressure of being put there, of being put on the fast track, of being a "scholar". I'm scared to screw up, and of having to live up to the expectations of the people inside. "What if I'm not good enough? What if what they think I'm good at, I'm actually not?" A short year ago, I would still think that I'm invincible, untouchable, and "good" to say the least. Now, where's my confidence?

Maybe I'm starting to understand how big life really is. Stepping out of college to NS isn't really the real world. Now, I've to step into a job, or the real world. Challenges await. If I am still not frightened, maybe I really haven't grown. My uncertainty is probably the result of having grown, and learning that life and work is not as easily controlled by my willpower, but rather of forces greater than my own. If I'm still going in with the attitude that I can change everything, then I'm in for a very bad time. But maybe with things in perspective due to growing up, I might be able to survive this.

I remember this phrase from somewhere. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the acceptance of it." My younger days of not feeling fear is not true courage, but rather a little foolishness and misplaced belief in youth's invincibility. I suppose now that I understand what I'm facing, and what I fear to face, I can probably be called courageous to face it now.